Shiny happy people [call my phone and yell at me in the morning]

I’m a little tired this morning and I am still a little under the weather, in other words, I am not looking to deal with assholes this morning. I am just keeping my head down and plugging through a pile of paperwork. Then my direct line rings and I pick up without looking at the Caller ID:

Me: This is Namby.
Caller: Yeah…um... Hi there, can you connect me to the law firm of Smith and Smith?
Me: I believe you have the wrong number.
Caller: Just transfer me to Smith and Smith then.
Me: I’m sorry sir, my name is Namby and I’m attorney with the law firm of Jones and White.
Caller: What? What do you mean? I want you to connect me to Smith and Smith NOW!
Me: Sir, I’ve never heard of that firm.
Caller: WHAT??!?! How have you never heard of Smith and SMITH???
Me: There are a lot of lawyers in Chicago, I don’t know them all.
Caller: This is OUTRAGEOUS! You have to be fucking kidding me! Just connect me to Smith and Smith right now.
Me: You have obviously called a different number then you did when you got a hold of Smith and Smith. I have no idea how to contact this law firm and frankly, I don’t care. My name is Namby and I am attorney with a different law firm.
Caller: I’m asking you one last time to transfer me to Smith and Smith.
Me: You really don’t believe me when I say I have no idea who you are talking about, do you?

Next time, I’m just giving him the number to someone who cares the local Chinese takeout place.

And the nominee for best legal job ad goes to...

My resume is on the way as this job posting has made my afternoon. If nothing else, I'll be reading "this employer's" blog every so often.

Of all things to be happening when I'm running late

I'll start by saying that I've been under the weather the past three days. I cannot tell you how much fun it is to be running a low grade fever, being outside in 80 degree weather with 145% humidity and going to work. It's totally awesome.

This morning, I got to jaunt out to one of the County Courthouses and, since I'm under the weather, I was running late.

I had a 9:00 call and at 8:56, I am still a mile from the Courthouse. After attempting to run a driver lacking any mental ability (WHY ARE YOU GOING 7 MILES AN HOUR???) off the road, I am speeding towards the Courthouse parking lot. I'm preparing to take the turn in at 40 miles and hour when I see...what the... the parking lot is closed.

And filled with a frigging traveling circus:

I ended up having to park about three blocks away and I was late to Court. Seriously: a frigging circus. What a day.

I cannot believe what I just saw…

The U.S. just pulled off the biggest international sporting upset since the 1980 Olympics.

They just beat the mighty, the 35 games in a row unbeaten, the FIFA World Number One Spanish National Team 2-0. In fact, one could argue that today’s win made the USA v. USSR look eerily similar to a passerby giving a beggar a few lose coins. [That’s my argument and I am sticking to it]

I screamed in delight while on the phone with another lawyer when we went up 1-0.

I danced around the office at 2-0.

I imitated the Tiger Woods fist pump at the full time victory whistle.

The referee today, Mr. Jorge Larrionda, was an old topic of conversation for yours truly. I have never trusted Klingons him and I never will…I will never forgive him for the death of my boy travesty that was Italy v. United States in the 2006 World Cup (For a refresher on my thoughts about look here and here). He’s a douchebag. Yep.

Anyway. I am basking in the delight of the 90 Minute Miracle. And National Pride.

Mr. Larrionda did what he always does: suck at life and show a red card. This time, the United States overcame the ref.

Tobacco inspired alternative dispute resolution

Caller: I got stabbed and I wanted to know if I could do anything about it.
Me: How badly were you hurt?
Caller: Not that badly. Just a couple of stitches.
Me: Well, how much were your medical bills?
Caller: Nothin…my insurance paid for them.
Me: Who stabbed you?
Caller: My buddy. It was an accident though. I just wanna get some cash.
Me: There is no reason for you to be talking to a lawyer.
Caller: I’m short some cigarette money. Can’t you help me get a little cigarette money??
Me: Just ask your buddy to buy you a pack of smokes and call it even.
Caller: That’s a damn good idea. You lawyers are fucking smart.

I wonder if the insurance company is entitled to claim part of the 'settlement' for reimbursement...

My mother has always encouraged me to share my faith with others

Artful Blogger: I immediately think “Oh God”
Artful Blogger: But
Artful Blogger: but there is always that other possibility
Artful Blogger: Ugh
Artful Blogger: knots suck
Namby Pamby: yeah
Namby Pamby: they do
Namby Pamby: just gotta stay as positive as possible
Namby Pamby: when that fails
Namby Pamby: turn to faith
Namby Pamby: in single malt scotch

Maybe this wasn't the type of religious discussions that she had in mind...

How much paper can a lawyer chuck if a lawyer could chuck paper?

I worked for three hours on Saturday. I worked for about five hours on Sunday. Here it is seven hours in my workday and I have more work to do now then when I left the office Friday night.

There is a simple and logical conclusion here: I need to stop working weekends.

Lessons in client retention (as taught by Pixar)

Caller: I want to sue a golf course.
Me: You are going to have to tell me a little more than that.
Caller: I was bit by a squirrel as I was playing golf.
Me: [I attempt to play the resulting snort off as a cough] Ahem…What did the golf course say?
Caller: They said it wasn’t their squirrel.
Me: Do they supply their own squirrels at the course?
Caller: I didn’t think to ask.

Next time, I am letting Dug take the call:



I think this guy is a prime candidate for the cone of shame.

The most important legal discussion to have ever occurred.

Attorney: When do you think the Cubs bats are going to wake up?
Me: November.
Attorney: Not me. Not me my friend. I have faith.
Me: I’m a Cubs fan, I don’t have faith, I have eternal pessimism.
Attorney: I have faith the Cubs are going to the World Series!
Me: I believe that you have mistaken faith with delusions.
Attorney: Mark my words, World Series!
Me: You might want to schedule an appointment with a qualified mental health professional.
Attorney: It’s the second half that matters. 2005, Houston got hot and went to the World Series.
Me: Where they got their asses kicked.
Attorney: Colorado got hot in the second half and went to the World Series.
Me: Where they got their asses kicked.
Attorney: I would be happy going to the World Series to get my ass kicked.

---
POST GAME UPDATE: Maybe he was right?

Eight months, untold amounts of hours, it all came to this

For the second in the last month, my brief writing was complimented by a judge:

"Counsel, this was excellently briefed, well done...I'm going to deny your motion."

Thanks.

The lesson here is to beware the judicial compliment.

The reality is that even though we lost our motion, we did serious (perhaps fatal) damage to the opposing side. My boss was happy. Ergo, despite my failure at a judicial declaration of winning, we still won.

Only lawyers can spin a loss as a win.

Anyway, back to the drawing board.

Asked and wow what an answer

I was working until midnight and on the road to the courthouse by 6 this morning. I was fueled by caffeine, encouraged by the technical position of the case and reasonably convinced that I would be able to achieve what my client would accept as a victory. Then the prep session with our key witness was exhibit one in Namby being Namby:

Me: Just remember, take your time. Listen to the question and answer only the question asked. Now, that's not too hard, is it?
Witness: [Nervous Laughter] I think I'll be alright.
Me: [Joining him in his laughter] This is your chance to tell what happened. Your credibility is everything. But trust me, you will be fine
Witness: [Still, with the nervous laughter] Got it. I'm just going to tell the truth
Me: One think I forgot to ask [still chortling], you aren't a convicted felon, right?
Witness: [Funny how the laughter stopped] I am.
Me: [Not really paying attention to what he just said as I am writing notes to mysel....what?] Excuse me?

Anyway, that was how the day began. It can only get better. Or something.

[For those of you looking for info on the trial itself, the judge continued it because his morning tee time got moved up his schedule had an unanticipated development that prevented him from performing his judgely duties]. So that was fun.]

It's kinda quiet in my life right now

It's not like I have the three most important days of my professional life in front of me:

I am not taking the lead in a trial this morning with one of my partners.

I am not arguing three motions for summary judgment in front of my other partner on Wednesday. Nor will the CEO of our biggest client be there. It sure isn't like its a multimillion dollar case or anything.

Nor am I arguing a federal motion on behalf of a BigLaw Firm on Thursday.

Nope, nothing really going on around here. Kinda boring actually...

Apparently, I've got gavel jockey written all over me

Me: You have a good weekend?
Senior Attorney: We’ve been over this already. I had a good weekend.
Me: You see that I am forgetting the simple things.
Senior Attorney: The more of your mind that you lose, the more you are qualified to be a judge.

A bevy of Friday things

I seem to be striking up a lot of conversations with people in my office buildings elevators. It’s Tyler Durden’s single serving friend philosophy only while getting to see them again at sporadic intervals. Where we get to talk about the greatness that is Chicago weather

Similarly, I love the one liners that occur after obnoxious people get off jam packed Daley Center elevators. Today was no different:

Me: [I get on the elevator in the midst of an ongoing heated diatribe]
Senior Attorney (to his associate): I don’t care if I have to kick him myself, I will shove it down his throat. [Elevator stops] Let’s go get this done. [He and his associate leave the elevator].
Me: Is it a little too late to wish you a happy Friday?

I’ve started caricaturizing some of the various judges that I appear before. I was having a hard time not laughing as I was standing in front of Judge Governor William J. Le Potomane. I was half expecting him to have a paddle ball as he was at full recline while on the bench. So we’re clear: his clerk is totally Hedy LeMarr. [That’s Hedley!]

I’ve also toyed with starting asking inappropriate questions while standing before a bald judge: “Your Honor, I have to know, do you wax your dome? Because if you do, the shine and luster is fantastic.”

As has been pointed out, it’s my Birthday today. This momentous occasion means I have made it another 365 days without being disbarred.

Speaking of dancing that fine line:

Law Clerk: Are you going to drink at lunch?
Me: Maybe
Law Clerk: Is that unethical?
Me: No, it’s required.

Oh yeah. I have to work this weekend. Ugh.

I can either be cheap or I can put you in a position to win...your call.

I was on the phone with a massively important client. We are in the process of filing multiple briefs in support of our many motions (read: I am running around with my hair on fire) before the upcoming hearing in this case. The Client and I are discussing the next several days of happenings and what currently I am working on for him. Twenty minutes into the conversation, the client made a funny:

Me: Today I will be finishing up the remaining brief writing and then we will be filing everything in advance of the scheduled hearing.
Client: That sounds great. I should get off the phone and let you get back to work.
Me: I’m glad that we got a chance to discuss this and I’ll be spending the rest of the day working on this matter, so feel free to give me a call if you have any questions
Client: The rest of the day?
Me: As you can see from our status letters and our billing statements, we have been working on this for several months now. The next couple of days will likely determine the outcome of this case.
Client: You think you could finish up everything with the remainder of this hour?

I’ve billed 16 hours on the project since this phone call.

As far as I am concerned, I am never going to get those brain cells back

I made the mistake of picking up a potential client call while attempting to craft a legal argument. Turns out, it was worth the time:

Me: Let me get this straight, you went to the dentist last week to get your teeth pulled?
Caller: Yes.
Me: As a result, you now have holes in your gumline.
Caller: Yes. It hurts!
Me: Where the teeth used to be?
Caller: That’s what I said!
Me: And you want to sue for this?
Caller: Yes!!!!

One would honestly be surprised how dumb I feel after dealing with calls like this.

Working for next weekend

The next two weeks are going to be hellaciously busy as I finish writing a stack of briefs, draft four complaints, prepare for a federal court fisticuff and head off to trial all in the span of the next 9 days. Toss in 14 cases up for morning court calls in the next 5 days and whatever crisis' that may (will) arise, it could be a tad bit exciting for yours truly.

And my birthday is this week. [yay…I'm...old…er…ugh.]

It’s going to be a lot of fun. A lot of work. And likely not a lot of sleep.

Bartender. Fail.

Last night, in what has become ongoing tradition, a gaggle of us Chicago bloggers (as well as a few other fierce creatures) gathered for a Happy Hour Cocktail party. Within seconds of setting foot inside of the Artful Bloggers humble abode, I was determined to fix myself a cocktail. Success, however, did not follow:

Like any successful Gin and Tonic, I combined the Gin, Tonic and Ice. Apparently, I neglected to understand that the drink was now ready to serve…thus I continued to prepare the beverage. I had combined these items into a cocktail shaker, covered the cocktail shaker, and began to shake.

Within seconds, Gin and Tonic were forcefully spraying all over the room.

All I could bring myself to do was stare at the liquid shooting forth over the furniture. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why this was happening. Who knew you aren’t suppose to shake carbonated beverages?

I was in rare form last night.

It’s not the size of the firm, it’s the strength of their pop up blocker that matters

Artful: What do you know about the Hague convention and Italian law concerning letters of request as part of discovery?
Me: Absolutely no freaking idea
Artful: I thought you were a litigator
Artful: You are no help whatsoever
Artful: I am Googling the Hague Convention and Italy to get the answer that I need
Me: I'm glad to see that mega firm attorneys and hack lawyers like me get their research answers the same way
Artful: The information superhighway is the great equalizer
Me: Then your litigation support staff shows up, polishes it, reworks it a little and voila $500 an hour. As for me, I start with the googling, but end up distracted by the ads for free porn
Artful: ....
Artful: free porn.....
Artful: .....
Artful: .....
Artful: .....
Artful: whew-OK I am back
Me: I'm glad that the ambulance chaser can step in and distract the high and mighty super associate

Answering the age-old question of how far an attorney can shove his foot into his mouth without even trying

A Plaintiff’s attorney had just finished defending his client’s deposition. He walked out of the conference room and was waiting to discuss the case with the Defense counsel. The client had gone to the bathroom and there was only one person within earshot sitting several feet away. Defense Counsel strides up to the other attorney after having completed a successful deposition and without warning begins:

Defense Counsel: You know what your client needs? She just needs a man to tell her that she is pretty and have sex with her. She’s a good looking woman. I know I’d have sex with her, and come on, you’d do it too.

The Plaintiff's Attorney is standing in stunned silence as the other person that was in the immediate vicinity walks up to these two lawyers

Defense Counsel: Can I help you sir?

Plaintiff’s Counsel: I’d like you to meet my client’s husband.

At this point, Defense Counsel has lost all color in his face and appears to be ghostly white. He turns, mouth agape, eyes widened, without speaking and hurriedly walks away leaving the Plaintiff’s Counsel to deal with wreckage.

After finding the right lawyer, this person will be living on easy street.

Potential Client: I went to the hospital in December and they told me I had a bladder infection. Then I went to the hospital in the first week of February, and they told me that I had a bladder infection.
Me: Ok, why do you think you have a case?
Potential Client: Well, I went to another doctor last week and he told me I was 13 weeks pregnant.
Me: Maybe I am missing something…
Potential Client: The two hospitals should have told me that I was pregnant!
Me: Last week, you were told that you were 13 weeks pregnant?
Potential Client: Yes.
Me: You went to the hospital in December [27 weeks ago] and February [19 weeks ago]…where they…um…missed your 13 week long pregnancy?
Potential Client: Right. Do you think I have a case?