Ten Commandments of Civil Litigation

1. There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and lying clients.

2. It is not about what happened. It is about what you can prove happened and the rap sheets of your witnesses proving what happened.

3. Nothing can turn your case on its head like a judge informing counsel that their key piece of evidence doesn’t mean what counsel thinks it means.

4. If you didn’t eat before the mediation, it will run long. If you brought your umbrella, it will not rain. If you drank coffee before, you will have to pee as soon as it begins. If you are holding coffee, you will spill it on yourself.

5. If you are at the Courthouse and your client begins a sentence with “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but…” you had best be walking out of the courthouse with a settlement check in your hand.

6. If there are debts associated with the case and it has been settled, the client will never want to pay them.

7. If opposing counsel begins any settlement conversation with “I’m not going to argue the facts” you are not going to have a productive settlement conversation.

8. You will hurry up to wait for the judge. And you will still stand when they enter the room.

9. You aren’t suborning perjury if your client is lying to you and paying the witnesses to do the same. (I hope)

10. No good case is worth taking to a jury. Unless you are billing by the hour.

Death is not a laughing matter, a funeral on the other hand…

I’m about to head to the funeral of a family member that passed away this week. Without doubt, there are other ways I would have liked to spend my Friday morning.

As one might expect, the ambulance chaser diligent young attorney in me has his antennae up for a potential client opportunity. It’s not every day that a regular morbidly obese person dies from extensive and invasive cardiovascular surgery.

Since he was not an immediate family member, I’ve been wondering what the protocol is on the following:

• Do I ask the estate executor to view the medical records at the wake or the funeral?
• What is the potential punishment for leaving my business card in casket?
• What if I leave another attorney’s business card in the casket?

My mother was not understanding when I floated these questions by her. I'm not sure why...

Bartender. Fail.

Last night, in what has become ongoing tradition, a gaggle of us Chicago bloggers (as well as a few other fierce creatures) gathered for a Happy Hour Cocktail party. Within seconds of setting foot inside of the Artful Bloggers humble abode, I was determined to fix myself a cocktail. Success, however, did not follow:

Like any successful Gin and Tonic, I combined the Gin, Tonic and Ice. Apparently, I neglected to understand that the drink was now ready to serve…thus I continued to prepare the beverage. I had combined these items into a cocktail shaker, covered the cocktail shaker, and began to shake.

Within seconds, Gin and Tonic were forcefully spraying all over the room.

All I could bring myself to do was stare at the liquid shooting forth over the furniture. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why this was happening. Who knew you aren’t suppose to shake carbonated beverages?

I was in rare form last night.

The Pissing Contest: A Screenplay (With subtitles!)

The backstory:

Our motion said “Motion to Strike” without citing to the obvious portion of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure for the sake of it being obvious.

Subtitle: We are brief for brevity’s sake.

Their response brief began:

“While Defendant’s fail to state what section of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure their Motion is brought, it is believed that their Motion is brought pursuant to 735 ILCS 5/2-615 as the motion only attacks the sufficiency of the allegations contained in the Complaint.”

Subtitle: You are a petulant pain in the tuchus. And we are smarter than you. Ha. Haha.

Cut to the meeting with the partner: “Let’s have a little fun with this at their expense”

My draft reply brief begins:

“Plaintiff begins its argument by knowingly pointing out that Defendant did not specify that this motion is brought under Section 2-615 and it was an error to assume that the title and substance of the motion would adequately indicate what section and chapter of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure would be at issue before the court. In the future, the Defendants will endeavor not to assume the Plaintiff’s familiarity with the basic workings of a 2-615 motion.”

Subtitle: Go fuck yourself, you pompous asshat.

They argue:

“Defendant’s Motion fails to cite to a single case”

Subtitle: More citations means more intelligence. And more billable hours!

I parry back:

Plaintiff seeks to erode the foundation of Defendants’ argument by calling to question the lack of case citations. The Defendants understand and appreciate the role of caselaw in the everyday workings of the legal processes however, this 2-615 motion needs only to address the four corners of the Plaintiff’s pleading and the statute itself. Despite 27 citations to caselaw, Plaintiff fails to cite to a single case, statute or secondary source that is relevant or refutes any argument or basis for Defendants’ motion.

Subtitle: Caselaw? We don’t need to stinkin’ caselaw!

The Finishing Move:

The Plaintiff’s Chicken Little approach does not confer legal sufficiency to their pleadings. See Generally: The Sky is Falling, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sky_Is_Falling_(fable)

Subtitle: I got a cite for you. Hope you like it!

I just gave my draft reply to my partner...we'll see what happens

Class action requires that you have Class

A couple clients and a couple lawyers all got together for a conference call.  We had to discuss the opposition:

Attorney: It seems that their lawyer works for a ‘Do-gooder’ firm
Me: More like Hippie-Commie-Pinko Firm
Attorney: That’s what I said, ‘Do-Gooder’
Client: Either way, he’s a pain in the ass.

It’s probably only a matter of time until I get recorded saying something like this and end up being the next ‘YouTube example’ played to law students of lawyers behaving badly…

Motion Practice

As written: “Due to an ongoing criminal investigation, the relevant corporate officers are unable to assist with the investigation of the claim"

I could have said: “The client has been denied bail”