The bite clearly did not cause a fatal wound. Shame.

Caller: I have an animal bite case.
Me: Why don't you tell me what happened and we'll see if you have a case.
Caller: I got bit at the zoo.
Me: Um. Ok. How'd that happen?
Caller: I was standing in front of the cage.
Me: But how'd the animal bite you?
Caller: I stuck my hand into the cage.
Me: That was stupid.
Caller: What you mean?!? That animal hurt me. They should pay me for that!!!
Me: No they shouldn't.
Caller: What the f*** are you talking about...I'm in pain!!
Me: Of course you are...

The secretary that has overheard all of my calls for the previous two years has rated this as the best ever.

So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

Mr. Unlucky

Caller: I got bedbugs in my apartment.
Me: And?
Caller: And then I took them to my mom’s.
Me: There’s nothing I...
Caller: I also got diabetes.
Me: What?
Caller: From my pills.
Me: What does this have to do with the bedbugs?
Caller: Nothing, I just want to sue for that. And I want to sue my doctor.
Me: The doctor that prescribed you the pills?
Caller: No, my surgery doctor
Me: Oh? What possibly did this doctor do wrong?
Caller: I was pissing myself.
Me: What’s the doctor got to do with this?
Caller: I had surgery.
Me: What sort of surgery?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: Then why do you need to sue?
Caller: After the surgery, I kept pissing myself.
Me: Occasionally surgeries aren’t successful.
Caller: But now I also can’t get an erection to shoot semen to make babies.
Me: When did these things happen to you?
Caller: Last month.

A law clerk overheard me on the call and she doesn’t believe that it was real.

Unfortunately, I can’t get her to call the guy back.

The prescription made me do it

Caller: I want to sue a drug manufacturer
Me: Why?
Caller: I was on this drug and it destroyed my marriage.
Me: I’m sorry...what now?
Caller: My doctor warned me that this drug could put me into a state where I wouldn’t know what I was doing.
Me: And this destroyed your marriage how exactly?
Caller: I got into my car, drove somewhere, met some guy, checked into a hotel and cheated on my husband while I was using this drug.

Maybe he died because he wanted to escape you?

Caller: I want to sue my fiancé’s surgeon.
Me: Why don’t you tell me what happened?
Caller: I was visiting my fiancé at the hospital. I left and when I came back the next day, he had surgery and had died. That’s malpractice!
Me: What did the doctor do wrong?
Caller: I have no idea. I know that he was fine when I left. I know that they never asked my permission to do the surgery. They just took him into surgery and then he died. That’s malpractice right there!
Me: Was your fiancé in a coma?
Caller: No.
Me: Was your fiancé mentally ill or disabled?
Caller: No.
Me: Was your fiancé lucid and mentally competent when you left?
Caller: Yes. He and I were making wedding plans before I left.
Me: It would seem that he made the decision to go into surgery on his own, wouldn’t it?
Caller: The doctor shouldn’t let him done that. That’s malpractice.
Me: Setting this aside, why did he die?
Caller: They said something about organ failure. That’s makes no sense. His organs were fine when I left him!

Just another failure to communicate

Caller: My girl told me if I got hurt for any reason, I can call you and you can give me money.
Me: That’s not exactly how it works, but why don’t you tell me what happened.
Caller: I was a friend of my friend’s house borrowing a movie and I slipped down the stairs.
Me: What caused you to fall down the stairs?
Caller: The dude who’s home I was in hit me in the face.
Me: What?
Caller: He didn’t know I was there.
Me: You were borrowing a movie and he didn’t know you were in his house.
Caller: Naww.
Me: You’re lucky he didn’t shoot you.
Caller: I’d shot him back.
Me: Not if he’d killed you.

First of all, sue your doctor

Caller: I want to bring a medical practice against my doctor.
Me: Why don’t you tell me why you think you have a malpractice claim.
Caller: My doctor subscribed me drugs and they’ve made me tired and dehydrated.
Me: Did you talk to your doctor about these symptoms?
Caller: Yeah…he said that they were side effects of the drugs. He offered to change my subscriptions, but I didn’t want to do that.
Me: Now you want to sue your doctor?
Caller: Yes.

I believe that medical malpractice caps are not the answer. Summary executions for those that attempt to bring frivolous claims is the answer.

1-800-Dangerous

Clients, lawyers, insurance adjustors and other cretins have the gall to interrupt my focus on the never-ending pile of paperwork (sometimes also known as ‘gChat’) through chatting me up on the phone.

My new solution is to let the courts cure all my problems for me. Or at least try to have the courts cure my problems for me.

The first target of opportunity was unexpected. In one of my many cases, opposing counsel and I had worked out an agreed order that was going to be presented to the Court today. Due to my schedule laziness I did not attend the court hearing. Then I got a phone call:

Opposing counsel: Hey Namby, I’m in chambers right now and the Judge wants to talk to you.
Judge: Hallllllo!??
Me: Good morning your honor. I understand that you wanted to talk to me.
Judge: Yes. Uh….Yes. I… Uh…was just looking at this order and I just wanted to be sure that you were agreeing to this. I didn’t want your opponent trying to pull a fast one on you.
Me: Yes, your honor, I am agreeing to this order. I appreciate the call.
Judge: Anything else you would like me to do on this order? Or should I just enter it as is?
Me: You can always arrest opposing counsel for me.
Judge: That’s easy enough. [Away from the phone] DEPUTY! DEPUTY! [pauses as I can hear someone enter the room] Would you place this gentleman in handcuffs, thank you. [Back to me] Anything else I can do for you?

But I wasn’t done with my reign of terror. I made a call to a client this afternoon and got screened by his secretary.

Me: Hi, this is Namby, I am one of your corporate lawyers, can I speak with the boss please?
Secretary: I’m sorry, he isn’t available at the moment. Can I help you?
Me: I was just checking that he sent the documents that we were looking for a few weeks ago. I need them for a Court hearing tomorrow morning.
Secretary: I’ll text him [Does so] He says he’ll be sending them out tonight.
Me: Great. I’ll tell the judge to issue a bench warrant for his arrest tomorrow. Thanks for your help.
Secretary: Anything to help you guys out…wait…what?
Me: I’m kidding.

How else are you supposed to deal with the interruptions that go on throughout the day?

Greed is good. Greed works. Unless you are Greed’s lawyer

Monday started off on the right note as I got to work early, went to Court, got coffee and settled in for an afternoon of paperwork. This positive weekly start was only going to be interrupted by a former client:

Client: Hey. We have a problem.
Me: What’s that?
Client: We need to go back to court.
Me: Why?
Client: I was just told that the settlement release that I signed means I can’t get any more money from my case.
Me: You signed that six months ago.
Client: So?

Anyone want to teach my clients to read, listen and think? Anyone?

Please spay and neuter your potential clients

Caller: I got shot and I don't know what I can do.
Me: Ok. Who shot you?
Caller: I dunno.
Me: And what exactly do you think you can do about that?
Caller: My friends told me I could sue the city.
Me: Your friends are idiots.
Caller: What?
--

Caller: I had surgery and the doctor made a mistake.
Me: How so?
Caller: I can't...I can't...
Me: You can't what?
Caller: Ejaculate.
Me: Have you gone to a doctor about this?
Caller: No.
--

Caller: I slipped and I fell at a store as I walked in.
Me: Was it raining?
Caller: Yeah? What's that gotta do with it?
Me: It's the law in the State of Illinois [Insert legal dissertation on natural accumulation, ingress/egress, etc. here] meaning that the store isn't legally responsible.
Caller: What do you mean? I got rights! That store has to pay for my medical bills!
Me: No, they don't.
Caller: Then who is supposed to pay them? It's not my fault.
Me: Actually it kinda is.
Caller: That's some bullsh**

I am not the droid he was looking for

Caller: I want to talk to the black attorney.
Me: Could you repeat that?
Caller: I WANT TO TALK TO THE BLACK ATTORNEY!
Me: I’m sorry…but…I’m not African-American.
Caller: Oh.
Me: Maybe I can help you?
Caller: Do you know the black attorney?

This sums up today.

ATM Legal

Caller: Is this the way to get cash?
Me: No, this is a law firm.
Caller: I thought if I called you, you would tell me how to get cash.
Me: Not so much.
Caller: That’s bulls***!
Me: Sorry.

Case to no case in 4.6 seconds

Caller: I want to ask you a question.
Me: Go right ahead.
Caller: My son was in a car accident and he broke his pelvis.
Me: When did this happen?
Caller: Yesterday.
Me: Tell me about the accident.
Caller: It’s not about the accident. The Doctor, at the hospital, sent him home without surgery but he has to go back and see if he needs surgery.
Me: What’s your question then?
Caller: Can I sue because they sent him home without surgery?
Me: No.
Caller: That just don’t seem right to me.
Me: I’m a lawyer, not a doctor. Trust the doctor on this. It did just happen yesterday. Maybe I can help him with the car accident though. You want to tell me about that?
Caller: He was in a car that was being chased by the police…

It’s at this point in the call that I avoid having the caller ask why I am laughing.

And I refer her to a civil rights lawyer.

Good things come in threes. So do phone calls.

Congress was right!

Claims Handler: Have you heard about the new federal rules require that I get certain information about your client for Medicare purposes
Me: The only thing that the Federal Government has told me is that insurance companies are evil.
Claims Handler: We are evil.
Me: Excellent.

Hopefully she won’t mouth off to her boss…

BigFirm Secretary: I need to speak to a Mr. Pimby’s secretary.
Me: It’s pronounced ‘Pamby’. Your punishment is to go take a lap.
BigFirm Secretary: Um…?
Me: You are talking to Mr. Pamby, but I like being called “Namby” or “Idiot”. What can I do for you?
BigFirm Secretary: It’s refreshing to talk to an attorney that is so nice and has a sense of humor.
Me: It’s better to be nice. It’s better for my mood, my blood pressure and for my client. Not that the client matters or anything…
BigFirm Secretary: I just don’t hear this all that often.
Me: It’s just a job. You have a job, I have a job. There is nothing to be a pompous asshat about. The only difference is I can put J.D. after my name. But I don’t.
BigFirm Secretary: Because it’s pretentious?
Me: Absolutely.

International infliction of emotional distress

Caller: I filed a lawsuit in another country
Me: Ok?
Caller: I want to know what it’s worth.
Me: You would have to talk to an attorney in the jurisdiction where you filed your case.
Caller: Ok. [Pauses]
Me: Anything else I can help you with?
Caller: Can you give me an idea what my case would be worth?
Me: Comparing Illinois law to your situation would be like taking Apples and the planet Mars.
Caller: Right. I understand.
Me: I wish you the best of luck and I encourage you to talk to a lawyer in the country where you filed suit.
Caller: Of course. One more thing. I just want to know how much I should expect from this lawsuit.

Who's calling?

Palsgraf on Foreseeability, Trojan on Damages

Caller: My daughter got pregnant, I want to talk to a lawyer to see what I can do about it.
Me: Ma’am you are talking with a lawyer and why do you think you need to talk to a lawyer?
Caller: My daughter was in rehab and she got pregnant! That shit shouldn’t happen!!!
Me: Was this an attack?
Caller: No. It was consensual.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Caller: 32.
Me: Who did she sleep with?
Caller: Another patient.
Me: What, exactly, should have the hospital done?
Caller: She wasn’t in her right mind! She shouldn’t be doing that shit. She just had a kid. The hospital should have known that she didn’t need another kid.

His face is liable for running into my fist!

Caller: I think I need a lawyer
Me: Why is that?
Caller: It was snowing. I applied my brakes, I started skidding, I crossed the lanes and I was hit by oncoming traffic.
Me: You crossed into oncoming traffic?
Caller: Yes. And I was ticketed for driving too fast for conditions! Can you believe that?
Me: It sounds like you were driving too fast for conditions.
Caller: What do you mean? The other drivers shouldn’t have hit me! It’s their fault!
Me: It doesn’t sound like it.
Caller: What???

In the jailhouse now…

It seems that there has been a trend beginning for who is calling my number

Caller: I was being taken to jail and I tripped and I hurt my knee, I want to sue.
Me: When did this happen?
Caller: July 2007.
Me: I’m sorry, your claim is barred by the statute of limitations.
Caller: Well that’s a bitch!

Later on…

Caller: I want to sue for the death of my child.
Me: What happened.
Caller: Well, I was charged with her murder in 1999 but I was acquitted…
Me: [Hangs up the phone]

And finally…a client calls

Client: I want to get a status on my case.
Me: We’ll, we haven’t heard from you in a long time.
Client: That’s because I’ve been incarcerated.
Me: That’s what we’ve heard.
Client: So how’s the case going?
Me: Not going well. Since you are in jail, you haven’t been able to go to the insurance company’s doctor for an examination. The insurance company won’t pay you any money until you go to their doctor. When are you getting released?
Client: 2014.
Me: That’s a problem.
Client: Well, can you send me a loan?

I am all about winners.

Upon which I have a conversation with an opponent of tort reform

Caller: I want to sue my doctor!
Me: Why don’t you tell me why you think your doctor needs to be sued…
Caller: I went to the doctor and he didn’t tell me what I had.
Me: What do you ‘have’?
Caller: Scabs.
Me: Scabs?
Caller: SCABS! S-c-a-b-e-s. Scabs!
Me: Scabes. Gotcha.
Caller: HE DIDN’T TELL ME WHAT I HAD AND NOW IT’S GOTTEN WORSE! HE GAVE ME MEDICINE BUT HE DIDN’T TELL ME WHAT I HAD!! I AM MAD!
Me: I understand your frustrations, but there is no reason to yell. It is only nine in the morning.
Caller: I believe that this is a terminal disease. I can feel it in my brain! This doctor has killed me!
Me: He gave you medicine?
Caller: Yes. But I lost it.
Me: Did you go back to him to ask him to replace it?
Caller: No.
Me: Did you go to another doctor and ask for a replacement prescription?
Caller: No.
Me: Your doctor gave you a prescription but didn’t tell you what it was for?
Caller: Yes!
Me: And you didn’t ask?
Caller: No.
Me: And you want to sue your doctor?
Caller: Yes sir!

Apparently, the appropriate Defendant would be God

Caller: I am looking for a lawyer to take my case.
Me: Why do you think you need a lawyer?
Caller: I just found out that I was born with one kidney.
Me: And?
Caller: I want to sue.

It was Monday and I was feeling devious

It all started with a typical crazy person, potential client call:

Caller: I was wronged by the State and I need to sue.
Me: You are going to have to be a little more specific.
Caller: First off, this happened in Michigan…
Me: I’m sorry, we aren’t licensed to practice in the State of Michigan.
Caller: Do you know any Michigan lawyers?
Me: I don’t kn… (glances at my open gChat window…thinks that this would be a great practical joke potential client to refer one of my friends) …actually let me put you on hold and get you a number.

I put the guy on hold, Google my friend’s law firm and find his office phone number.

Me: “Talk to him only. He is top notch and he can definitely help you out”

As soon as I get off the phone, I send an e-mail to the unknowing recipient:

To: Law School Class Mate
From: Me
Subject: Referral
I just got a call in the office from some guy looking for a PI lawyer in Michigan. I don’t know anything about the case but I gave him your office number. Good luck my friend.

The response came quickly:

To: Me
From: Law School Class Mate
Subject: RE: Referral

You. Bastard.

This gentleman, just so you know, wants to sue the entire state of Michigan and everyone involved in the judicial system. He mumbled off something else as well. Oh, and, he lives somewhere up north. And, I mean like, north NORTH. Places where people are often seen wandering the deep woods in search of big foot north.

It must be Monday…

With a friend like me, who needs opposing counsel?

I am awesome. (Awesome is spelled i-d-i-o-t)

Medical Staffer: I just wanted to let you know that all of the medicals have been taken care of and there is no outstanding lien claims.
Me: That’s fantastic.
Medical Staffer: Would you like me to fax a confirmation over to you?
Me: I would greatly appreciate that. Let me know when you are ready for my fax number.
Medical Staffer: All set.
Me: My fax is 312-555-2222
Medical Staffer: (Pause) Isn’t that your phone number?
Me: (Longer pause) No it isn’t. (Pause part two) Yes it is.
Medical Staffer: [Laughing out loud]
Me: I feel like an idiot now.
Medical Staffer: [Still laughing]
Me: The fax number is 312-555-1111
Medical Staffer: Could you repeat that, I couldn’t hear you over my laughter

This could be my finest moment as a lawyer.

A caller gets the Trifecta: Klutz of the year, Prospective Mother of the Year, and All-Around Person of the Year

Caller: I slipped and fell while I was on the sidewalk.
Me: Ok, what happened?
Caller: The sidewalk was cracked.
Me: Well that doesn’t really…
Caller: Then I slipped again when I walking home from doing laundry…
Me: Ma’am…
Caller: And I slipped when I got off the bus...
Me: I’m sor…
Caller: I tripped when I was at the Metra station.
Me: What did you tri…
Caller: I fell while walking with my shopping cart going home…
Me: [Pause to regain my composure] You’ve fallen quite a lot haven’t you?
Caller: Yes, I have. Then I fell while I was pregnant.
Me: Was your baby affected by the fall?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: What do you mean?
Caller: I never gave birth.
Me: Was this a result of the fall?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: You said you were pregnant.
Caller: The doctors said I was never pregnant.
Me: So you weren’t pregnant when you fell.
Caller: No, I was.