A scandal in the offing? I'm just putting it out there...

Roseanne Barr and Supreme Court Nominee Federal Judge Sonia Sotomayor: Sisters?

It’s the cycle of Friday life

9:30: Enjoying a casual Friday. Jeans. Shirt. No Tie. Enjoying a lazy Friday morning of brief writing and g-chatting.
9:34: Partner calls me in. Attorney we work with is going to miss a court call due to car problems. Needs emergency cover. Important client then interrupts our ad hoc meeting.
9:36: Run to closet, grab suit bag, ignore espresso stain on pants, tie tie, close office door, strip, change, look like a champion.
9:42: Return to Partner, provided the details.
9:47: Run to the Daley Center.
9:51: Receive frantic text messages from newbie attorney who needs a little help.
9:53: Find newbie attorney.
9:55: Help newbie attorney get bearings.
9:59: Walk into the appropriate courtroom.
10:02: Step up in front of the judge.
10:08: Leave with exactly what the lead attorney wanted.
10:10: Saunter away from the Daley Center.
10:18: Starbucks.
10:23: Arrive back at the office.
10:25: Lose suit and tie. Jeans on. Stress off.
10:30: Back at the lazy Friday morning of brief writing and g-chatting.

I may chase the ambulance, but I don’t have to sign up what I find on the inside

Potential Client: If I see my doctor and he tells me that I can go back to work, but I don't want to, if I retain your firm, can you give me another doctor.
Me: We believe that our clients should find their own doctors for treatment.
Potential Client: Well, what if I can’t find a chiropractor, what am I going to do then?
Me: [Getting frustrated] You’ve been to the hospital and your primary care doctor, those doctors would best be able to recommend your best treatment options.
Potential Client: Then why would I want to hire your firm?
Me: [Regaining my composure] If you retain my firm, it would be a working relationship, and in that relationship we expect our clients to actively seek their own medical treatment.
Potential Client: What type of attorney won’t refer me to a doctor?
Me: [Now, I’m losing my cool]I am not a doctor. We are lawyers. The doctors you are seeing can best assess what you need.
Potential Client: I’ve talked to several attorneys who will, why won’t you?
Me: [Nearly yelling] Because I am not willing to compromise my ethical duty to inflate your settlement. If that is the type of attorney you want, I wish you the best of luck.

I am so looking forward to Thursday

It’s never a good thing when the hectic pace starts before 7am.

A series of e-mails started going back and forth with an East Coast Biglaw Partner co-counsel on a matter that got dropped in my lap at quitting time yesterday. The long end of the short of it (15 or so emails, 8 calls, multiple profanity laden tirades directed at my helpless laptop later and 5 hours later), I got done what needed to get done. Now, I’ve got a date with a federal judge. It’ll be fun. Or it could be an unmitigated disaster. It could go either way.

That hectic rush was replaced with my afternoon dispositive motion argument. The highlight: “Counsel, I really liked your brief in opposition to Defendant’s motion” Thanks, your Honor. “I’m going to grant the Motion to Dismiss.”

The day in sum: rush, rush, rush, rush, get a judicial compliment, promptly lose, go back to the office, work late to catch up on the minutia.

In Cook County, controlling precedent does not always… um… control

I was working on a robust two hours of sleep last Friday and, as I referenced, I already was channeling my inner awesome. Two hours after I went to the wrong courtroom I was back in action, with the Enabler as an observer in the gallery, with a contentious motion to dismiss one of the Defendants to my client's suit. By ‘back in action’ I mean that all I had to say was my name and let the gaggle of Defendants fight this motion out.

I had told the Enabler the judge was worth the trip from his cushy taxpayer financed cube-farm office just for the fact that the judge has warmly embraced senility. For example, an attorney I know went before this judge with a dismissal order in hand. The judge granted the dismissal. And then proceeded to demand oral argument on a motion to compel that had been pending. ‘Your Honor, we have settled the case and you just dismissed this matter,’ the attorney politely said. The response, “Right, this case is dismissed. [Looks down at his notes, reads, looks up again] Now, on this motion to compel…”

This Courtroom is like watching a Marx brothers sketch only staged in the halls of the judiciary with your case is hanging in the balance. It’s hysterical for those that have no skin in the game and yet, positively terrifying for those who do not know what may happen. My moment of terror occurred when the Judge went down an irrelevant path on a tort defense that had i) nothing to do with the motion being argued and ii) has nothing to do with the facts of this case. I’m minding my own business when the judge starts talking about this specific area of law, “You know, I helped draft this statute,” and then, “maybe I should dismiss all of you Defendants out of the case?” The Defendants all liked this idea, but before I could open my mouth to say anything, the judge was redirected back to the motion as it stood before the Court.

The argument against the motion to dismiss was simple as it just consisted of the law as it stands and the controlling caselaw. Without going into specific detail, I can say that this caselaw is so on point it was if my client had read the prior cases and reenacted those specific fact patterns. In other words, there is no reason to grant this Defendant's motion to dismiss. The judge was in agreement after listening to a litany of prior precedent and a statement of the applicable caselaw: “I want to get this right.”

And then promptly granted the motion to dismiss.

Living up to expectations

I got off the elevator at the Daley Center and I immediately saw a law school classmate of mine. She and I were in a lot of classes together and well, in any of the actual law classes, she usually took home the A whereas, I slacked off. But as some of you know, I loved trial classes and I did well in them. In my third year, I was in the advanced trial class with this girl. She was really good. I think I was better. The professor disagreed and gave her the CALI. And a job.

Not that I’m still jealous…

The teacher was one of my favorites in law school and is amazing lawyer in her own right. She is, without question, one of the best lawyers in Chicago. And there she was, with my classmate, in the Daley Center holding court with a handful of lawyers and clients. She sees me and waves me over, introduces me to the vast array of important people, and then tells them that my classmate and I were the best two students she has had.

High praise indeed. But this is not the point of the story. This the set up to me being…well…me.

I take my leave and head off to the Courtroom that my hearing is in. I get to the courtroom, I check the call sheet. My case isn’t on it. I check my notes and everything is as I think it is: 9:30 in 2704. The call starts in 5 minutes. Crap. What is going on. Did I misremember something? I call the office, 9:30am in 2704 is where the motion is scheduled. I go talk to the clerk who assures me that my motion is not on this call. In fact, this case is not on this Judge’s docket.

It’s about this point that as I totally bumfuzzled that it is pointed out to me that I am actually not standing in Courtroom 2704.

One of the best two students she has ever had. Yep. That’s me.

My morning thought on alternative methods of taking expert witness depositions

I was having a conversation with an opposing counsel regarding a case that we have. We had forwarded medical records over to him and he had passed it onto his expert witness. I asked when we could expect getting a copy of his report, his response did nothing to mask frustration:

Opposing Counsel: I gave it to him a few days ago, but I don't know. For the amount of money I pay this guy, I wish things happened a little faster.
Me: Same day service would be nice at $1,000 an hour.
Opposing Counsel: No kidding

This conversation reminded me of one of my to-do items. I keep getting calls from the office of one of our client’s treating physicians about an outstanding invoice. The Defense counsel took his deposition several months ago and I was defending it. We knew what the doctor was going to say going in, so we didn’t need to prep with him beforehand. I did want to actually meet the guy before I went into the deposition. I got to his office about 15 minutes before the deposition, got to meet him and we talked sports for 5 minutes. Then I left to get into the doctor’s conference room to confer with the opposing counsel.

In this situation, the Defense counsel picked up the tab for the doctor’s time. Something like $1700 for 2 hours. What I wasn’t expecting was the $100 bill sent to me for my 5 minute talk with the doctor about his college alma mater’s football team. $100 on this? Are you kidding me? But I digress. I am currently sitting in a doctor’s waiting room for an appointment [Swine flu]. This appointment would cost (if it weren’t for insurance) $130 and it’ll be about an hour of the doctor’s time. And this got to me to thinking…

I wonder what would happen if the next time I get an astronomical quote for an expert doctor’s time, if I just scheduled an appointment, showed up with a court reporter and the opposing counsel and waited for the doctor in his examination room:

Doctor: [Walks in, oblivious to the other people] Good morning.
Me: Good morning, my name is Namby Pamby and I represent the Plaintiff in Smith v. Hall
Doctor: Just open wide and say ‘ahhh’ [Sticks the tongue depressor into my mouth]
Me: Leh tha rekah refwech hat his isss the iscovey epossishton of octor Steeev ones
Doctor: Very good. Now take your pants off.
Me: Doctor, can you state to a reasonable degree…
Doctor: Turn away from me and bend over
Me: …of medical certainty that the hernia was caused by…
Doctor: You are going to feel an odd sensation, but this exam is necessary to determine the health of the
Me: …the decelaration forces of the acc….
Doctor: Prostate. Ok he we go…
Me: …ciiddeennennt??!?!!!
Court Reporter: I’m sorry, could you repeat that?

I’m just trying to save a buck or two…

---
On second thought, maybe I'll just pay the $1700. I'm sure it violates HIPPA somehow...

In slow economic times, one must efficiently utilize the firm’s resources

I walked in after lunch and the receptionist handed me my mail. I noticed in this stack of junk mail postal presents that there was one thing that is addressed to one of my partners who just left to go out of town for the week. I immediately consulted my supervising partner for guidance in this situation.

Me: [Handing him the mis-delivered piece of mail] I got this mixed up in my mail. I think that Vacationing Partner would want this.
Partner: Oh damn. He left without this? Damn. Damn. Damn. This is not good.
Me: We could UPS Overnight this out to him. Or we could do a same day messenger.
Partner: That’s perfect. Let’s get this to him as soon as possible.  I’ll hold onto it until it the messenger arrives.
Me: Perfect. I’ll let the receptionist know.
Partner: [Pauses contemplatively] Actually, why don’t you catch the next flight out and deliver this to him personally.

What could possibly be this important you ask?

The Victoria’s Secret Catalogue.

Go ahead and judge me

I’ve jumped on that Twitter thing. I have no idea what I’m doing with it. I don’t really know how to follow people. I barely can figure out how to write a post. Follow me, don’t follow me, judge me, whatever.

Daisy played a part in this. Blame her.

But in actuality, I was convinced by two of my friends that run a consulting business and who occasionally read what I write here that Twitter can be a useful tool to publicize this blog. I trust them because they are much, much smarter than I am and their business is expanding at ludicrous speed (go).

Anyway, I hope to use it as just a mini-version of this: a place where I can post my attempted jokes, sarcastic witticisms, and comments on life (in 140 characters or less).

I’d love to hear your feedback.

Five things on this lovely Tuesday Morning

1. Foot in mouth disease: I ran into a friend (and law school classmate) of mine that lives in the same town as I do at the train station this morning. I usually see him when I need to be in earlier than normal because he always takes an earlier train than I do. The conversation went as follows:

Me: “Running late this morning?”
Him: “Nah”
Me: “Then you are just slacking off. I like it.”
Him: “I actually lost my job and I am heading in for an interview this morning”

2. I am a little self-conscious: I cannot pronounce the word ‘radiculopathy’ and this causes me to look stupid in court.

3. An open word to the guy on the train this morning: I understand that you felt the need to dress up today by wearing mismatched pajamas. I can overlook the fact that you bear a striking resemblance to Frodo Baggins. I was taken aback when you took out your plastic bag of supplies and started knitting. I was stifling laughter when you were explaining your knitting project to the woman sitting next to you. What I did not see coming was your frank admission that you are currently studying for the bar exam.  I worry for my profession.

4. Panic, Stress and Frustration: It is always a good thing when you discover that the last minute project due first thing in the morning to the Court has the run on sentence from hell. It’s even better when you realize you didn’t save the electronic copy on your laptop thus preventing editing on the commute into the city. This is when the panic ensues and I fly into the office to make multiple changes in 5 minutes, print out three copies and run to the Courthouse. What is frustrating is when the Judge decides that he doesn’t actually want the filing and you just wasted your time and increased.

5. Trying to recover from my Joe Biden imitation: After I successfully removed the foot from my mouth, my friend told me he still has access to his office for a short period of time as he looks for a new job. I told him he should hire a butler, light a cigar and throw a sexy party. He seemed to think that that would adversely impact his chances for a positive employment recommendations. I seemed to think it would be a great idea.

Pomp, Circumstance, Spellcheck

Friend: My sister in law, the high school dropout, sent out an invite for her son’s junior high graduation party.
Me: Don’t tell me that she spelled something wrong
Friend: I’m looking at this thing and something is just not right.
Me: Oh no. She did.
Friend: "COME TO STEVIE’S GRADUTION PARTY!"
Me: Gradution. Ha.
Friend: Maybe she did it on purpose as a lesson…if you drop out of high school, you won’t be able to spell.

On a side note, congrats to all you recent graduates (or gradutes if you will) and I kindly ask that you please don’t take my job.

Nice little Saturday. Not.

For some reason, I woke up at 4:30 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. Then I had a dentist appointment.

To cap off the spectacularness, I went to the driving range. Where I hit three buckets of balls.

I hit 2 balls straight.

Take me to your office supplies

I went to visit Artful at his big law firm office yesterday. This was my first trip to his office and it didn't exactly start smoothly. I first got off on the wrong floor, then I waited 10 minutes for another elevator and then I got trapped in that elevator with a woman who I thought was going to be going in labor at any second…but I finally reached his floor [without having to dirty my suit as a stand in midwife].

It was big. And pretty. And his view sucked ass. [Who wants to be apart of the Chicago skyline? Really? PREEETENTIOUS!]. And this was just one floor of 10.

He gave me the tour on which we cut through the supply/break room. It was like heaven. Racks of pens and paper and officey things [like whiteout!]. All neatly arranged. And shiny. He kept offering me the free soda or coffee or animal crackers. I just stared lovingly at the office supplies.

Unfortunately, he did not approve when I grabbed a bunch of pens and attempted to walk out...

Morning Fail

It turns out that I cannot write and talk at the same time while (a) hungover and (b) standing in front of a judge.

"Your Honor, um...ahhh...yah..whoa"

At least I waited until I got back from Court to spill coffee all over my hungover self. Right in front of two of my clients that had just arrived for a meeting.

I have issues multitasking

15 minutes before my morning court call, I head to the bathroom on my way out of the office.

Where I run into the boss.

Who strikes up a conversation as I am utilizing the urinal.

I don’t know about you, but I find it is quite difficult to avoid soiling my clothes while having an ongoing conversation with the boss about technical legal issues of a motion that I am going off to argue.

Morning Smooth

I am still in my seat as the morning train nears the station. I am about to stand and heads toward the door when a passenger making a b-line for the vestibule hits me from behind. This guy is walking at a quick pace down the aisle and is totally oblivious to the passengers that he is passing. I don’t get hit by the passerby’s body, but by the rolling backpack being dragged behind.

I hate rolling backpacks, I hate the idiots that use them and I hate the idiots that don't pay attention the train and hit those of us who are sitting, thus I cannot resist myself: “Very manly backpack you got man!” There is no doubt that I was heard.

I got a very evil look when this guy turned around.

But I think that the evil look was not so much that I had made fun of the idiotic rolly backpack but more so that the guy was actually a girl.

The client has made one of those rare good points

Client: I don’t understand what I am supposed to be signing.
Me: It’s a settlement agreement.
Client: Like this, what does this mean “For and in consideration of the payment to me…” Explain this to me!
Me: Once you sign this agreement, the Defendant gets to kidnap you, send you to China for scientific testing and you will be poked and prodded with sharp objects for the rest of your life.
Client: What?
Me: Just sign the agreement and they will give you a lot of money.
Client: Why couldn’t it just say that?

A halfwit client, a benevolent judge and the attorney in the middle

I have this client that is wound a little too tight for her own good. She lives and breathes her case. She monitors the electronic docket that Cook County. She calls when there is the slightest change or entry that does not make sense to her [which, given that her legal education came from Boston Legal, means everything does not make sense]. To compound this further, she lives out of state in a jurisdiction that doesn’t really conform to normal legal processes.

About a month ago, due to a simple mix-up, I missed the court call for this client’s case and it was dismissed for want of prosecution. The client checked the electronic docket and went ballistic. To pour a little gas on the fire, I wasn’t in the office when the client called to go ballistic. The client then called the Clerk of the Court. The Clerk kindly told the client that after a DWP order has been entered, the case is completely dead and that the client is totally screwed. This couldn’t be farther from the truth, but the client wasn’t buying it as her world was now officially over. The client finally got in touch with me on her seventh attempt when I walked back into the office. And went nuts. (It probably did not help that I did not know it had been dismissed…)

45 minutes of talking her off the ledge, I assured her that this was a simple matter to clear up and that we have a form motion to take care of it. [Three sentences, copy & past the caption, print and file…simple]. For the next several weeks I get daily phone calls and e-mails about this motion. This client openly tells me that she cannot sleep because of this and that she is chain-smoking several packs a day. I tell her to “calm [cough] the fuck [cough] down” because everything will be fine. I would have been better served talking to a wall of drying paint.

Today was the motion hearing to get the case reinstated and this is my first time in front of this particular judge. After having asked around, I found out that this particular jurist has a poor reputation and can be incredibly mean to attorneys. The motion I bring, while it is a commonplace motion without any frills, certain Judges take issue and have been known to chew out the attorneys bringing the motion. This could be fun.

I step up, the judge asks why we missed the last date, I brace for impact and I tell her the truth: “my partner and I had a mix-up in communication and the junior associate [I point to myself and hang my head in shame] just missed the hearing.” She promptly granted my motion. And then does something I have never had happen: the Judge orders the Clerk to refund the motion cost because I had a legitimate excuse for missing the hearing. The Judge gave me my money back and cover with my client…who knew these things were possible?

As the Judge was reviewing the order I had drafted, I planted myself against the wall because I didn’t want my movement to offend the Judge in any way [yes, Judge’s are like T-Rex…sensitive to movement] and have her change her mind. I got the order back and found that the Judge had added more language that padded my already thick cover with the client. I walked out of the Courtroom with a dumb grin on my face and a giddy-up hitch in my step.

I have already offered my partner a friendly wager on when this client will call demanding to know what happened.

My money is on 3:30p.m.

Whereupon this Attorney has lost his mind

I have taken over a conference room in a bloodless coup to prep for a major deposition next week. The entire table has documents covering it and my laptop is sitting squarely in the middle of the table. iTunes is open and cranking out music on shuffle as I plot my deposition strategy. While immersed in this tantalizing case, Baba O'Riley by The Who starts to play.

And without thinking, I start busting out along with it: "DON'T CRY, DON'T RAISE YOUR EYE, IT'S ONLY TEEEEEENAGE WASTELANDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!"

It's kinda like playing Rockband with Artful and Alleged Lady, except that the secretary outside this conference room now has proof that I am a little nuts.

Back to work...sigh.

Going up?

I was part of the usual crush of lawyers getting into a Daley Center elevator this morning. 20 people crammed into a single box rocketing the collective 17 to 23 floors above means entertainment is always a possibility. Today, the lot of us get packed in and we fall silent for about five seconds until one attorney turns to another attorney out of the blue: “So Counselor, have you seen the latest Jonas Brother’s movie?” Silence.

I stood perpendicular against the car wall which allowed me to see all the other attorneys react to this: 15 of us are stifling laughter (I'm biting my lip), three cannot figure what is going on, the target of the question is attempting to figure out how to exit a moving elevator and the questioner just figures that she needs to keep digging herself a hole by asking more questions. “You said you were going to see it? I was just wondering…” No response. “Was it Jonas Brothers or Miley Cyrus?” Nada. “I thought you told me that you liked the last one that you saw?”

Finally, the attorney who seemed a wee bit embarrassed by the topic that his interrogator chose did the proper and just thing: he blamed his wife.

I love elevator rides.

It's like the MPRE...only practical

You’ve just discovered that a letter you’ve prepared has incorrectly spelled the opposing counsel’s name, you:

1. Correct and reprint the letter. Professionalism is all the rage nowadays.
   
2. Correct the letter by crossing out the misspelling. Good letterhead costs money and money is tight in this economy.
   
3. Leave it the way it is. It’s not like attorneys from that firm can actually read.
   
4. Leave it the way it is. Have the person in the office with the probable case of swine flu spit in the envelope several times after you’ve wiped all the office toilet seats with the letter. This guy is an asshole, anyway.
   

Take a wild stab at which option I picked.

The Monday Morning Open Letter to the Male Scooter User

Dear Skippy:

You and I were right next to each other as we left a train station that was teeming with humanity this morning. You stopped right in front of me as we were exiting the building. Your sudden reduction in speed almost caused me to trip over your rolly-backpack that you immediately began to dig through. Thanks.

Your sudden stop was your first strike, the fact that I hate rolly backpacks was your second and you inflicted the third strike all by yourself.

I would love to know what you were thinking when you took out that foot scooter and then made an attempt to ‘scoot’ your way out of the pedestrian traffic. Apparently, they didn’t teach you in scooter school that this is not a good idea on jam-packed city sidewalks. Just because you are on something with wheels, doesn’t mean that you are going to navigate traffic any quicker than the rest of us.

You might have heard me say: “I want to cross-check that guy into the bridge.” You might not have, I won’t ever know. One thing is for sure, the group of women that was around you all heard me. And they all laughed at you. And they all smiled at me.

On behalf of men everywhere, I am taking this opportunity to permanently revoke your man card.

May God have mercy on your soul,

Namby

Urgent action items

Artful had me over to watch the Bull’s game and to drink scotch. And then watch the Hawks game and drink more scotch. Then we talked as men do with a cigar in hand (and drank more scotch).  Then today came...

Sleep deprivation, a hangover and a craving for Mexican food has been a common theme as this day has progressed. Toss in an emergency crash course in estate law along with a never ending client call and you’ve got yourself my morning in a nutshell.

In order to survive the remainder of the workday, I’ve come up with a few things I have to do:

1. Stop swearing in front of the clients' kids.
   
2. Cease referring to one client as "the bastard that has the nerve to try and die on me" [Circling the drain, though, is still perfectly acceptable]
   
3. Play more peekaboo with the aforementioned clients kids.
   
4. Stop telling the soon to be graduating law students in the office that its not too late for them to drop out.
   
5. Bill my nap.