How to tell someone there is no case without saying that there is no case

Every day, I get a call from a money seeking potential client that thinks that they have the next lottery ticket case. Unfortunately, these people are dead set on cashing in on their fake payday and they do not like when their parade gets rained on. Especially when they have as much of a case as Rod Blagojevich does against the government.

This means, if I am the bad guy, I’m going to get yelled at.

I don’t like getting yelled at.

Thus, in the last three years, I’ve developed a few easily stated cop-outs that will allow you to end the phone call/client meeting/email conversation

1. I’m sorry, you are looking at a very specialized legal action and we aren’t specialized enough to handle that sort of matter. Unfortunately, I don’t have someone that I can refer you to.
2. I hate to say this, but the statute of limitations has expired and there isn’t anything anyone can do.
3. That’s an interesting fact pattern; you should talk with a civil rights attorney.
4. We aren’t licensed in the jurisdiction.
5. Unfortunately, we don’t have the time to commit to this sort of litigation.
6. Based on the facts that you have given me, it wouldn’t be worth hiring an attorney. I’d recommend handling this one on your own.
7. The sort of action that you are looking to engage in is quite costly and we are not in a position that we can commit the resources or the people to the case that you want to pursue. I recommend calling the Bar Association lawyer referral program.
8. I'm sorry, I'm just not that into you.

I’m looking for more that I can repeat to the throngs while I pay attention to more important things. Please, tell me your brush-off strategies.

Namby Pamby, Children's Art Critic

I was on my way to "do work" at the State of Illinois Building when I happened to meander by an exhibit on Epilepsy Awareness. The powers that be selected various pieces of art to commemorate awareness for this disease. (How artwork helps awareness of this disease is a discussion for the comments)

Here is the one piece of artwork that really caught my eye:

For those of you that can't read the text contained in the art, this piece is entitled "Epilepsy Wars" and features well known Epilepsy Advocates Darth Vader, Yoda, what looks like a drawing of a brain and several pills.

Not content to let the images speak for themselves, the artist has included dialogue for the audience to endure: Mr. Vader claims "I am your epilepsy" and Mr. Yoda states "Epilepsy, desire you not."

This piece speaks volumes. As to what it is saying, I'll let others decide.

I can't begin to explain my actions

For reasons that make sense to no one, I woke up before 6 this morning. Despite my best efforts, I have yet to be able to fall back asleep. In an effort to re-enter dreamland, I turned on ESPN and began to watch their Sunday morning programming: Hunting.

For reasons I cannot begin to explain, I am still watching. And fascinated with these guided hunts.

Help.

Whereupon this Attorney has lost his mind

I have taken over a conference room in a bloodless coup to prep for a major deposition next week. The entire table has documents covering it and my laptop is sitting squarely in the middle of the table. iTunes is open and cranking out music on shuffle as I plot my deposition strategy. While immersed in this tantalizing case, Baba O'Riley by The Who starts to play.

And without thinking, I start busting out along with it: "DON'T CRY, DON'T RAISE YOUR EYE, IT'S ONLY TEEEEEENAGE WASTELANDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!"

It's kinda like playing Rockband with Artful and Alleged Lady, except that the secretary outside this conference room now has proof that I am a little nuts.

Back to work...sigh.

On the short bus, in the fast lane, heading towards dementia

I decided I needed to refill my water bottle. I walk to the water cooler and promptly realize that I have left my water bottle on my desk. I walk back to my office. I grab my coffee, I drink my coffee, I turn and make my way back to the water cooler.

I make it halfway there and realize, yet again, I left the damn water bottle on my desk.

Back to the desk I go, I grab the water bottle, and storm back the way I just came. However, it just so happens that the bathroom is in the same proximately as the water cooler and as I walked into the bathroom I realize that this is not where I intended to be. “What the fuck are you doing?” I ask myself a little too loudly as I realize my error. The client that was also in the bathroom looked at me a little funny. “Sorry, I’m losing my mind.”

I head to the water cooler, fill up the water bottle and promptly spill all over myself as I take a drink.

Currently, twenty-three minutes into in my second stint on hold [and also comments on the Bears]

About three hours ago, my iPhone decided to stop working.  I think it sent a text message.  But now, nothing.  I've done the restart, restore, and now it has spent the better part of the last three hours demanding it had to wait for activation.  Then it said it was activated.  But no signal.  Which is curious since the other two iPhones both have full 3G Signal.  

All the while I've been on hold with AT&T.  My first 30 minute stint on hold had me talk to someone, then get transferred, and then disconnected.  When I started this post, the Bears were winning 10-0 and it was 23 minutes into the call.  Now they are up three because they can't cover shit and I'm now 29 minutes in.

My phone doesn't work and I feel naked without it.  Help.  Please.

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38 Minutes In: AT&T Picks Up,  the Bears are now losing, and they claim it's their fault because three cell towers are down.

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I went to the AT&T Store.  They claim it's a national problem.  I promptly called bullshit and then blamed them for the 21 unanswered points that the Bears have given up.  Still phoneless.  And about to be without a football team next week.

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Clearly AT&T is to blame for the Bears being horrid in pass defense.  And being horrid at Life.  

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Intermittent cell signal and a Bears loss.  Son of a...

Not that this should surprise anyone...

My 28 year old roommate has been seeing a 19 year old girl. She is ridiculously good looking. She has goals for herself (pose for Playboy). Most importantly, she likes my roommate.

And every time I am out with her and my roommate, my brain begins to eat itself.