We have reached the time to test my theory that law students can take a joke

There is an adjunct law professor that works in my office. A final paper for the professor’s class was just faxed in and the professor is presently out of the office. Being the gentleman that I am, I may or may not have (i) picked the paper off of the fax machine (ii) read the paper and/or (iii) suggested a grade.

It’s quite clear that this student writes better than I do. Obviously, I don’t need this sort of competition in the legal community. I think that this student will be obviously be thrilled to receive a same-day fax back with the grade: F+

Everybody wins, right?

Morning conversations

Genius is spelled: G-E-N-U-S

Paralegal: Do you ever get the automated message that says “I’m sorry, you haven’t dialed enough digits, please try again”?
Me: Yes.
Paralegal: What does that mean?
Me: It means, shockingly, you haven’t dialed enough digits.

It’s not me, it's you

Partner: Look at this signature [Points to a fax]: MBA, JD, AIC, SCLA and so on and so forth…we get it already, you spent a lot of time in school.
Me: I don’t write anything after my name. I have no need to scream “I’m a lawyer, look at me!”
Partner: He must be looking for some validation in his career.
Me: Maybe that’s why he always sounds like he hates his job.

Further proof that nothing good happens after 4am

Law Clerk: I’ve been sick for two and a half weeks now. Namby, if you keep mocking me, I am going to give this to you.
Me: You are sick because you keep hooking up with lots of strange.
Law Clerk: Or it’s because I booze too much.
Me: You booze, then you hook up with the strange.
Law Clerk: Oh yeah.
Me: It’s a vicious cycle.

Hopefully I’ll still be invited to the wedding…

Daisy, my dear, dear friend is an accomplished blogger that posts weekly about her nephew, Baby Z.

What she just found out is that her month-old nephew just retained a lawyer:

I am supposed to be productive on Monday after that? I think not.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I’d been hit by a train. 36 holes of golf on Saturday had taken its toll on me and I wanted to do nothing more than take up residence on the couch. I purposely left my phone in my bedroom (on vibrate) because I just didn’t want to deal with the outside world. But just on chance, I went back in there and found that my phone was vibrating:

9:30: My best friend is on the phone offering me Bulls tickets if I want to go. I don’t want to go, thus I am not all that enthusiastic about taking them. But I say I’ll make a call or two and see if I can find someone to go with me and I’ll call back with the yay/nay answer.

9:40: Talk to one of my friends, ask him to go. However, he is also less than enthusiastic. But he says he will think about it and call me back.

9:50: Get a call back. He doesn’t want to go but his girlfriend (his better half) tells him in true Jim Mora fashion: PLAYOFFS?!?! Her encouragement is the reason that we went and I am so thankful that we did.

12:00: Arrive at the United Center

12:01 on: Witness the greatest Bulls game...scratch that…greatest single sports game that I have ever been to.
Nearing the End of Regulation: Please. Someone. Anyone. Guard Ray Allen. Never mind...Bonus Basketball

The First Overtime: Simple backstory: I hate Ben Gordon. He shoots too much. And he doesn’t pass. With ten seconds left, my friend that I went with calls that BG is going to shoot a three to tie. My thoughts as this unfolds: “No. No. No. NO. NO!!! NO!!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

During Overtime #2: With about 45 seconds left in the second overtime, my stomach has gone knotted to slip knot to sailors knot to full Windsor and back again. The elderly gent to my left makes a grand pronouncement: “We got this. This game is over.” The Bulls went from up five to up one and then they attempt to hand Boston the ball on the inbounds play. “It doesn’t matter this game is over.” I lightly embrace his shoulder, “Sir, nothing is over until the clock reads zeroes and we have more points than the other team. Please, for my stomach’s sake, do not tempt fate. Because if you continue to do so, my stomach may exit my body and kill you.” He looks dumbfounded. “These things have been known to happen.” But he stopped his yammering. Then Boston missed their chance to tie. And the game was over.

Maybe, just maybe, the NBA is on to something with the “Where Amazing Happens” campaign.

She gets the staples of life, I get the thrill of flying by the seat of my pants

We all know that Daisy got a shiny new job in the corporate world. Let's just say that there are distinct differences in what we go through on a day to day basis:

Me: how be the work thang?
Daisy: you know
Daisy: in at 7:15
Daisy: out at 3:15
Daisy: CORPORATE AMERICA DARLING
Me: You'll come to miss the work starting at 6:00am. Ending at 10 p.m.
Me: Paychecks that may bounce
Me: shitty clients, contingency fees, and you know...court
Me: PERSONAL INJURY LAW DARLING

She leaves her office about the time I am normally eating lunch. Paging Jealous, party of one, Jealous, party of one your table is ready...

Calmly prepping for disaster

I've spent the morning preparing for an oral motion argument that I have today. I rolled out of bed and jumped right into the thick of it. I've been working on this case for the better part of two months and I have a firm grasp on the facts and I believe I understand the law at issue before the Court.

I have a good feeling.

That I am going to lose today.

Thus, I've spent the last part of my preparation quietly laying on the floor having a staring contest with my dog.


She won.

Time flies when you are logging billable hours

This is how my morning time sheet will read:

Draft Response to Motion to Dismiss 2.75

TOTAL: 2.75 

What has actually gone on in the last 2.75 hours:

Draft Response to Motion to Dismiss 0.000001
Surreptitiously glance at the hot girl sitting in front of me on the train 0.1
Blank stare at Microsoft Word 0.3
Write several more sentences of crappy legalese 0.05
Keep fingers on the keyboard with both Microsoft Word open and the Computer DVD Player playing Fight Club 0.2
Glance at the hot girl again. And again. And again. 0.2
Reword crappy legalese 0.1
Walk to the office from the train station, stop at Starbucks, arrive at office 0.2
Reopen Response to Motion to Dismiss 0.1
Surf Web re: Golf Clubs 0.2
Surf Blogs 0.5
Leave comments on Legally Blonde Ambition, Legally Fabulous, and The Dirty Life and Times 0.1
Read headlines on ESPN.com and BBC Sport 0.2
Write more prosaic bullshit 0.2
Write blog post on things I do while the motion is open on my computer screen 0.3

TOTAL: 2.750001

After a little proofreading, it seems that my response isn't done yet.  Looks like Manchester United has an afternoon game today I might have to bill a few more hours on this project...

I am a focused, brief writing, billable hour machine. Or not.

I have a brief due tomorrow and after two days of work, I have the captioned completed. In other words, I am suffering some wicked writer’s block.

Or whatever you call the “I don’t want to spend three hours writing something that I know is a dead bang loser” syndrome.

I’m at the point in the day where I am going to buckle down on this project by spending as much time as possible arguing with my non-lawyer friends about how much money we are going to gamble with the next we go golfing.

But first, I must go get lunch.

--
Update: Yeah, I can barely keep a straight face as I write this crap: "Principles of equity and fair play require this court to retain jurisdiction..." Gag. me.

Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him...

Counsel: We will just Nunc Pro Tunc this.
Me: Counsel, it is before nine on a Monday morning. That means it is a little too early to be using Latin with me.

[Phone call ends. Looks up the definition of Nunc Pro Tunc on Wikipedia. Sighs]

I have mentally checked in for tomorrow’s tee time

I imbibed a little last night. Then I drank a lot more. It happens. That being said, I had to swing by one of the suburban courthouses before going to the office this morning. I haven’t shaved, I’m wearing jeans, my untucked dress shirt is covered by a suit coat and I’m wearing sunglasses indoors.

The on-duty Sheriff’s deputy stops me at the attorney’s only entry line: “Casual Friday, Counselor?”

I’m dressed to kill…or maybe dressed like death. Either or.

Upon which I blame fellow bloggers...a public service announcement

I am drunk. I am enjoying the benefits of being slightly overserved.

This is clearly Artful's, Lady's and Grace's fault.  Nevermind that we all drank together.  Stupid towers of Fat Tire at the local watering hole.  stupid. stupid. stupid.

El fin.  [The Friday hangover is going to suck.  Yes.  Suck.  To the fullest.]

----

Friday Morning Update:  I am channeling awesomeness.  It's going to be a good day.  If I can just summon the will to stand up.

The Pissing Contest: A Screenplay (With subtitles!)

The backstory:

Our motion said “Motion to Strike” without citing to the obvious portion of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure for the sake of it being obvious.

Subtitle: We are brief for brevity’s sake.

Their response brief began:

“While Defendant’s fail to state what section of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure their Motion is brought, it is believed that their Motion is brought pursuant to 735 ILCS 5/2-615 as the motion only attacks the sufficiency of the allegations contained in the Complaint.”

Subtitle: You are a petulant pain in the tuchus. And we are smarter than you. Ha. Haha.

Cut to the meeting with the partner: “Let’s have a little fun with this at their expense”

My draft reply brief begins:

“Plaintiff begins its argument by knowingly pointing out that Defendant did not specify that this motion is brought under Section 2-615 and it was an error to assume that the title and substance of the motion would adequately indicate what section and chapter of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure would be at issue before the court. In the future, the Defendants will endeavor not to assume the Plaintiff’s familiarity with the basic workings of a 2-615 motion.”

Subtitle: Go fuck yourself, you pompous asshat.

They argue:

“Defendant’s Motion fails to cite to a single case”

Subtitle: More citations means more intelligence. And more billable hours!

I parry back:

Plaintiff seeks to erode the foundation of Defendants’ argument by calling to question the lack of case citations. The Defendants understand and appreciate the role of caselaw in the everyday workings of the legal processes however, this 2-615 motion needs only to address the four corners of the Plaintiff’s pleading and the statute itself. Despite 27 citations to caselaw, Plaintiff fails to cite to a single case, statute or secondary source that is relevant or refutes any argument or basis for Defendants’ motion.

Subtitle: Caselaw? We don’t need to stinkin’ caselaw!

The Finishing Move:

The Plaintiff’s Chicken Little approach does not confer legal sufficiency to their pleadings. See Generally: The Sky is Falling, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sky_Is_Falling_(fable)

Subtitle: I got a cite for you. Hope you like it!

I just gave my draft reply to my partner...we'll see what happens

Let’s face it, some people have a way with words. Other people…oh…not have way

I was doing deposition preparation with a client this morning. The client is beginning to worry that he is not mentally ready to go through with the deposition. Thus, he wants to call off the deposition. I am in the "associate doesn't want to fuck up and piss off his partner" mode, so I have to calm the client down before he gets into the prep session:

Me: You will be fine. Trust me. This is no different than you and your wife talking about this. Or you and me talking about this. There is nothing to worry about.
Client: I don’t think I can do it. I just can’t!
Me: This is no worse than going to the dentist office. You will be fine. [Pauses. Brain catches up with mouth]

Did I mention that this is a dental malpractice case?

I'm having so much fun, I might get fired

A phone call to another law firm:

Me: Attorney Smith, please.
Secretary: She’s in court may…
Me: What are you talking about?!? This is extremely important. I must talk with her right now!!!
Secretary: Umm…Sir…I…
Me: I’m just kidding, I’ll just call back.

On the phone to a state agency:

Me: Attorney Jones, please.
Secretary: She is on trial today.
Me: The nerve of some people.
Secretary: She’s a hard working employee, sir.
Me: If she keeps this up, the government is not going to keep paying her. Next thing you are going to tell me is that she is an attorney.
Secretary: She is.
Me: Quiet! I don’t want to get her fired!

On the phone with a client:

Client: I don’t like the old doctor, I can just have the surgery with the new doctor, right?
Me: In light of the current economic situation, we aren’t sure that that option is still available to you.
Client: What do you mean?
Me: The insurance company will not want to reimburse you for the expense of the medical procedure.
Client: But the pain won’t go away!
Me: I’ll tell you what, I just got a new hacksaw and if you provide the bottle of bourbon…I can make it as good as “new”
Client: Make it tequila instead of bourbon and you’ve got yourself a deal.
Me: I like you.

On the phone with opposing counsel:

Counsel: Just wanted to let you know that we are filing our response today
Me: You are a bunch of slackers.
Counsel: [Laughs, then pauses] I can’t remember what else I had to say. [Laughs again]
Me: I’ve thrown you off your game, mission accomplished. On a professional note, I look forward to reading your drivel.
Counsel: It’s five pages of fantasticness.
Me: I’m going to go camp by the fax machine with a sense of anticipation and baited breath.

I must have had a little too much coffee this morning, but I just can't help myself

Today has sucked since yesterday

1. I walked into the office bathroom and was greeted by a huge cockroach in the toilet. Good morning to me.

2. I was in a meeting with one of my partners talking as lawyers do (about the Masters) when one of my clients called him looking for me. He put her on hold and asked “Is she crazy?”

3. I began reviewing the final and key medical records that arrived over the weekend. As has been the tone for the morning, I quickly realize that these are not the surgical records that I had requested from the hospital. They were the expansive STD tests of my client.

Helping out the family in tough and desperate times

My one cousin and I are close. She and I are both professionals, the same age and we see eye to eye on most things. For most holidays, our respective families are together. Today, however, we were at separate family gatherings for Easter. I went to visit my Dad's side of the family and she was at my Mom's (and her Mom's) extended family.

For reasons that I have discussed in the past, her destination was not the preferred location for her to be without backup. Backup like me.  I got a text message from her about two hours into the family gathering:  "Help me!!!!"

As I was four flutes of champagne and three glasses of wine into the afternoon, my response was simple: "(1) Open a bottle of wine (2) insert straw (3) inhale until family becomes tolerable.  Repeat as necessary."

Yay family!

Single track minds

Artful Blogger: I need to go a single day without drinking
Artful: This is bad
Namby: I'm not judging
Artful: I have had at least one drink every day since last Thursday.
Namby: That's the definition of commitment
Artful: Yes well...I wonder how healthy it is...
Artful: Most of it has been red wine
Artful: But still
Namby: You only need to worry when you work habit gets to be too demanding on your drinking employment

Five minutes later

Namby: I just wrote Hangover Park on a summons. Whoops.

The Thursday Afternoon Running Commentary

If my boss asks, I am finalizing deposition issues on a case.

(In other words, I am totally watching the Masters on my computer)
--
2:15pm Why do clients think that they deserve my attention while I am watching Tiger Woods putt?

2:30pm: If this client keeps calling, I will be forced to kill someone.

2:47pm: Tiger missing putts and shanking t-shots causes me increased pain. I pass the pain on to my clients as I am less likely to round down my billable time that I am currently tabulating. It's a vicious cycle.

3:16pm: The phone has taken up the last 30 minutes of my life. I haven't been able to pay attention to the Masters. It is sad.

4:10pm: Tiger broke a club. Wow.

5:01pm: I just used a toothache reliever where I bit my lip. This was a horrid idea as my entire tongue is now numb. I'm leaving this and doing the smart thing: drinking.

Educating the clerk

Clerk: What do you call a person that is the intended target of a summons?
Me: Bitch.

Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land

Less than a month after I got sworn in, I took my first client who happens to be my best friend.  Since that date, I've been waging a battle here and there with the Plaintiff's attorney in the case.  Over the past 18 months its gone something like:  They served my client, I quashed service.  They demanded settlement in an unholy amount, I proposed a countersuit.  They said they will win at trial, I said check the law.  

It's gone on and on and on and on.  Until... 

I ran into the Plaintiff's attorney by chance after I was in court today.  He and I start shooting the breeze (he's a nice guy, his client is the one who sucks) and he promptly tells me that his client wants to dismiss the case and forget the whole thing.  Cue Johnny Drama.

When I think about this case, I realize that I knew nothing when my friend retained me.  I would have been able to present a case to the judge, but I would have had no idea how to actually get to that point.  I've learned a lot since then.  I've done a lot since then.  But had the facts not played out as they did, I could have been in some serious trouble.  

But it worked out.  And my best friend, who doesn't know yet, will be quite happy.

It’s the ensemble cast that makes the same play watchable day in and day out

I’ve been taking the same morning train for about 16 months now. It’s my morning routine that only gets altered when I have to jaunt to some forsaken court in the middle of nowhere or I have an early trial in the city. As such, I’ve gotten to recognize, and in some cases know, those who do the exact same thing I do each and every morning.

This express train stops several times before I get on in the morning, thus, there is the recurring cast of characters already on board when I step into the car. After months of observation leering, these are the people that make up a large part of my daily commute:

The Matriarch

As her name implies, she sits in a position at the front of the train where she can observe and judge the whole train car. She is on a first name basis with the conductor and she knows pretty much everyone in the car that rides this train daily. She will cast approval when you sit next to someone of the opposite sex by smiling. She will cast disapproval if an individual of questionable appearance sits next to someone of the opposite sex by continually glancing or scowling at that individual.

The Hot Girl

This one is the most attractive woman in the car. She’s hot. But professionally hot. She’s reserved, quiet and the seat next to her is the holy grail of the morning ride into the city. Occasionally, she will be seated with the Matriarch while reading a romance novel. A month ago, the one time I got the seat next to her, I got the nod and smile of approval from the Matriarch. Then yesterday, I accidentally stepped on her getting off the train. It’s a budding first grade romance, I know.

The Conference Caller

This individual is a hybrid of a loud talker and a professional. Every morning that he gets on the train, he sits as close to the Matriarch as possible. About 10 minutes after I get on, he dials into his morning conference call. He is not quiet as he bends over to talk while sticking a finger into his ear so he can hear the other participants. Frankly, we think that his prison work-release program doesn’t let him out early enough so that he can take an earlier train into the city and make that conference call from the privacy of his office.

The Obnoxiously Loud Talking Senior Citizens

These two women sit together every day in the middle of the car. Typically, they are right behind my usual seat in the car. The problem with them is two-fold: (i) they get on the train after I do and (ii) they talk so loudly that my headphones cannot drown their talks about which one of their friends is having fluid removed.   It is a minor annoyance but their topics of conversation never cease to entertain.  Or disgust.

The Attractive 1L

Similar to the Hot Girl but the East German Judge takes a few points off for her always working on Legal Writing assignments or reading for a class. She isn’t on the same train every day, but my guess is that she has early morning classes three or four days a week. I have to stifle the urge to suggest to her that she should go get her MBA instead.

The Sleeper

This is the guy that is on the train from the beginning and can sleep through the train hitting something.  It's a gift that I do not not possess.  Occasionally, he will shift and end up napping on my shoulder...but it's no biggie, he doesn't drool.

The guy I talk to everyday

My friend is more or less the polar opposite of me. He’s in upper management of a large company in the city. He is senior enough that his job allows him to come into work any way he likes. He sports a well-worn heavy metal band ballcap each day. He and I get on the train at the same stop every day and we talk about tatoos, women, and everything in between and it’s never boring. For the record, he was the one that got the disapproving look from the Matriarch when he sat next to the Hot Girl. But we both know that it was worth it.

A clerk talks about dedication to his job and the work he puts in on the weekend

Do you think I like this? No, I don’t. I would like to be at home, with a book, curled up on the couch. But that’s not the way it is. This is my job. Long hours are required. Focus is demanded. I am a college student.  I am supposed to get black out drunk and make bad decisions as often as possible. After college, it becomes awkward and some people like to call it alcoholism.

He has managing partner written all over him

Corrupting the young, bankrupting the old

I stopped by the local soccer store to pick a few items for the start of the outdoor season. While I was in the process of trying on half the available pairs of studs in the store, a family consisting of a mother, grandmother and daughter sat down thing next to me and started doing the same thing for the daughter.

The young daughter focused on to what I assume was the most expensive pair of female cleats. The grandmother, being fiscally responsible, pointed out that she could get by with a pair that was much, much less. Then she made a mistake by bringing yours truly into the conversation:

Grandmother: Honey, you don’t need those, they are too flashy, see…look at him (points to my feet) they are simple, black and effective.
Me: You probably don’t want to use me as a reference point.
Mother: Oh?
Me: I'm not going to get these. I’ve already decided that I am buying that pair of shoes (points to the pair sitting next to me) just because they are flashy and they grab attention. The flashier they are, the better, when it comes to soccer shoes.
Daughter: See Mom!!!
Me: I probably shouldn’t say that I am buying them even though I don’t need them.
Grandmother: I think you’ve said quite enough.

The Officer told me to count to 30, I got to ‘woooooh’

We all went out last night and Artful Blogger performed his big firm duty and picked up the check. The night continued when the Wayward Esquire and I went back to Artful's lair, drank scotch and talked as men do. And then we passed out…as men do.

Now, I’m back at the office sporting a suit and shirt that accurately resembles the attire that I wore yesterday.

Thursday drinking is always a great idea. Just ask the Esquire, I’m not sure he has made it into his office yet.

--

Update:  The Lady has weighed in on last night's drunkery.  

I am the only one in Chicago not happy right now

I love the Bears more than anything else. This was how I was raised.

I have hated the Denver Broncos for as long as I can remember. This is a hatred so intense and so irrational it makes how I feel about Michigan look like puppy love. I hate no sports franchise more than I hate the Denver Broncos. I have spent the last two and a half years channeling this hate in a very simple way: rooting for Jay Cutler to suffer a career ending injury preferably by sticking multiple parts of his body into a blender.

Now, Jay Cutler is a Bear.

I feel so weird.

Planning my next career move...

My office building is large: sixty some floors. There are six elevator banks that shuttle people to different floors segments in the building. One constant between the six different elevator banks is that there are a great deal of of law firms spread throughout the building.

With the above information in mind, would it be bad to search for a lateral job based on the amount of attractive ladies that get on at a certain elevator bank?

Class action requires that you have Class

A couple clients and a couple lawyers all got together for a conference call.  We had to discuss the opposition:

Attorney: It seems that their lawyer works for a ‘Do-gooder’ firm
Me: More like Hippie-Commie-Pinko Firm
Attorney: That’s what I said, ‘Do-Gooder’
Client: Either way, he’s a pain in the ass.

It’s probably only a matter of time until I get recorded saying something like this and end up being the next ‘YouTube example’ played to law students of lawyers behaving badly…