I'm having so much fun, I might get fired

A phone call to another law firm:

Me: Attorney Smith, please.
Secretary: She’s in court may…
Me: What are you talking about?!? This is extremely important. I must talk with her right now!!!
Secretary: Umm…Sir…I…
Me: I’m just kidding, I’ll just call back.

On the phone to a state agency:

Me: Attorney Jones, please.
Secretary: She is on trial today.
Me: The nerve of some people.
Secretary: She’s a hard working employee, sir.
Me: If she keeps this up, the government is not going to keep paying her. Next thing you are going to tell me is that she is an attorney.
Secretary: She is.
Me: Quiet! I don’t want to get her fired!

On the phone with a client:

Client: I don’t like the old doctor, I can just have the surgery with the new doctor, right?
Me: In light of the current economic situation, we aren’t sure that that option is still available to you.
Client: What do you mean?
Me: The insurance company will not want to reimburse you for the expense of the medical procedure.
Client: But the pain won’t go away!
Me: I’ll tell you what, I just got a new hacksaw and if you provide the bottle of bourbon…I can make it as good as “new”
Client: Make it tequila instead of bourbon and you’ve got yourself a deal.
Me: I like you.

On the phone with opposing counsel:

Counsel: Just wanted to let you know that we are filing our response today
Me: You are a bunch of slackers.
Counsel: [Laughs, then pauses] I can’t remember what else I had to say. [Laughs again]
Me: I’ve thrown you off your game, mission accomplished. On a professional note, I look forward to reading your drivel.
Counsel: It’s five pages of fantasticness.
Me: I’m going to go camp by the fax machine with a sense of anticipation and baited breath.

I must have had a little too much coffee this morning, but I just can't help myself