Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Pissing Contest: A Screenplay (With subtitles!)

The backstory:

Our motion said “Motion to Strike” without citing to the obvious portion of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure for the sake of it being obvious.
Subtitle: We are brief for brevity’s sake.

Their response brief began:
“While Defendant’s fail to state what section of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure their Motion is brought, it is believed that their Motion is brought pursuant to 735 ILCS 5/2-615 as the motion only attacks the sufficiency of the allegations contained in the Complaint.”
Subtitle: You are a petulant pain in the tuchus. And we are smarter than you. Ha. Haha.

Cut to the meeting with the partner: “Let’s have a little fun with this at their expense”

My draft reply brief begins:
“Plaintiff begins its argument by knowingly pointing out that Defendant did not specify that this motion is brought under Section 2-615 and it was an error to assume that the title and substance of the motion would adequately indicate what section and chapter of the Illinois Code of Civil Procedure would be at issue before the court. In the future, the Defendants will endeavor not to assume the Plaintiff’s familiarity with the basic workings of a 2-615 motion.”
Subtitle: Go fuck yourself, you pompous asshat.

They argue:
“Defendant’s Motion fails to cite to a single case”
Subtitle: More citations means more intelligence. And more billable hours!

I parry back:
Plaintiff seeks to erode the foundation of Defendants’ argument by calling to question the lack of case citations. The Defendants understand and appreciate the role of caselaw in the everyday workings of the legal processes however, this 2-615 motion needs only to address the four corners of the Plaintiff’s pleading and the statute itself. Despite 27 citations to caselaw, Plaintiff fails to cite to a single case, statute or secondary source that is relevant or refutes any argument or basis for Defendants’ motion.
Subtitle: Caselaw? We don’t need to stinkin’ caselaw!

The Finishing Move:
The Plaintiff’s Chicken Little approach does not confer legal sufficiency to their pleadings. See Generally: The Sky is Falling, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sky_Is_Falling_(fable)
Subtitle: I got a cite for you. Hope you like it!

I just gave my draft reply to my partner...we'll see what happens