How to handle trick-or-treaters

Today's Halloween. If you've recovered from your drunken costume pageants, you may have to deal with the little rapscallions who have donned costumers hoping for candy.

I'm here to tell you that it is your responsibility to a) give them candy and b) make sure they never come to your house again when football is on and it is the middle of a Sunday afternoon.

Here are your instructions: (1) Be sure to answer your door clothed, (2) flirt with the children's parents and (3) give the children jello shots.

Guaranteed for a happy halloween.

A Prayer to the Litigation God...

Hi Litigation God, it's me, Namby.

We haven't talked in a while since you've banished me to a sea of paperwork. It's not that I blame you for my lot in life; but it would be nice if every once in a while you smiled in my general direction. It's hard to focus on you when all I can think about is making my opposing counsel cower with fear, void his bladder and tear up his law license while giving me a large settlement check.

But I can serve you better. I know I can. I just need the strength to get through the day. Please give me that strength.

Would it be so much to ask to get a client that respected the advice that I gave? Or not lie to me at every opportunity that you get? Litigation God, just once, could you give me a client that didn't cause more trouble than his or her case is worth. Please give me a client with crystal clear liability and a massive deep pocket to pay my one-third.

Now, I do have a job at a time when more and more lawyers are looking for work, and I am very thankful for that. But Holy LG, could you just make it a little easier to get from the start of the work day to the end of the work day without that one e-mail, phone call or fax that just makes you question whether or not the other lawyer has been blessed with a brain. Or humanity.

In the name of the Father, the Son and Antonin Scalia,

Amen.

We interrupt this afternoon for a moment of duhhhhhh...

I've decided to get sick. I've also decided to begin to self-medicate. While at the office:

The issues with this approach are many as (1) I think all of my medications have expired [potentially years ago], (2) I'm already suffering from a NyQuil hangover and (3) No one ever said I was a genius to begin with.

It's going to be a fun afternoon as I sit at my desk praying that I don't start halluncinating.

Friday's lack of political correctness.

1. It's a lot easier to sue a doctor for malpractice if they are ugly.

2. If you are trying to sue the Department of Corrections for something bad that happened whilst incarcerated, I will not take you as a client. Ever.

3. If you can't spell your first, middle or last name, trust me when I say that I am right. And please don't have kids.

4. Lawyer is the Klingon word for being smarter than you. Client is the French word for dummy.

5. Silence is golden. Eloquent speech is divine. Both will get billed in six minute intervals.

It’s not that I threw him under the bus, it was more of a subtle push

I was venturing round the boonies when I got a call from my office: “I might have entered the wrong order on that case I was covering for you…”

When I got back to the office, I grabbed the incorrect order and headed for the judge’s chambers. praying that I could undo this before any serious complications cropped up.

Me: Your Honor, I was in a different county this morning. I had another attorney from my office cover this and well, he entered the wrong order.
Judge: That happens. I’m sure that the associate is mortified right now. Tell him not to worry about it, we’ve had that happen a few times this week already.
Me: It…uhh…wasn’t an associate.
Judge: What? Oh… Ohhhhhhh.
Me: Yeah.

Should I tell my partner that my name is now Judas?

First of all, sue your doctor

Caller: I want to bring a medical practice against my doctor.
Me: Why don’t you tell me why you think you have a malpractice claim.
Caller: My doctor subscribed me drugs and they’ve made me tired and dehydrated.
Me: Did you talk to your doctor about these symptoms?
Caller: Yeah…he said that they were side effects of the drugs. He offered to change my subscriptions, but I didn’t want to do that.
Me: Now you want to sue your doctor?
Caller: Yes.

I believe that medical malpractice caps are not the answer. Summary executions for those that attempt to bring frivolous claims is the answer.

Sports teams lead the weekend in suckery

This was not a good weekend for my sports teams:

1. Manchester United started brilliantly leading 2-0 at half, only to give the game away like schoolchildren. (It was a tie, but sure felt like a loss.)

2. The University of Illinois was looking good and leading at half. Apparently, Michigan State decided to show up in the second half (and they ratted off 23 unanswered).

3. The Chicago Bears. What can I say but you didn't show up today. But I did. And now I'm sunburn. Assholes.

4. My fantasy football team lost.

I am so over this weekend. Sports, you are dead to me.

Until Tuesday.

Plagiarist

I am presently drafting a motion to dismiss. If you look in Black’s Law Dictionary, you will find the definition of “drafting” as:

Copying, in some cases verbatim, the text written by as well as the law cited by previous opponents in their motions to dismiss that they have served upon you in the course of your legal practice. See also Legal Writing and What Big Law Opposing Counsel Can Do For You.

I work hard at working smart.

I am Happy Fun Ball

Most of you that frequent my corner of the internet know that I tend to be easy going when it comes to litigation. I have no desire to stress out and fight about useless stuff. Unless you are an ass.

Normally, my corporate clients are willing to put up with a lot of crap from the various Plaintiff’s attorneys (also known as “asses”) that we lock horns with. But after so much fire and brimstone, the clients hit their limit. In this instance, the last court appearance was the final straw as opposing counsel made a non-accusation accusation of ethical shenanigans.

“I’m not ready to make this accusation, but I might have to because it’s possible that documents are missing or have been destroyed.”

You might as well just say that I am trying to forfeit my law license by hiring the Enron executive team to help out a multi-million dollar corporation over a measly $500,000.

Segueing into today’s activities…

I have spent the last six hours doing two things: (1) billing my time in six-minute intervals and (2) engaging in my favorite activity associated with litigation.

I am now being paid to be a destructive asshole.

In other words, I am looking for grounds to file motions for summary judgment (MSJ), motions for sanctions (Rule 137) and motions to embarrass Plaintiff’s counsel in front of his pencil-dick-smug-as-shit-asshole client (the public bitchslap).

Do not taunt happy fun ball. Or accuse him of ethical misconduct. Because it will not end well for you.

This is what happens when I watch Monday Night Football and read e-mail

1. Brett Favre is old. And I really am sick of hearing about his sexting habits. He's 41. Sexting is a domain left for teenagers. And politicians.

2. I am a member of two different professional e-mail listservs for trial lawyers. It's really funny seeing the left political leanings (rantings) on one and the right political leanings (ravings) on the other. My realization is that both sides can wax rhapsodic about 'justice' but as soon as you enter a courthouse there is no such thing as 'justice'.

3. It's National Coming Out Day. I would like to come out saying that I hate all idiots with equal passion.

4. My new goal: I really want to be named one of Illinois' Top Lawyers Under 40. By the time I'm 30. I've got a lot of votes to bribe between now and June 2012. [My ego needs feeding...]

5. I've had a lot of motion arguments, pre-trials, client meetings and a trial in the last month. But I haven't had a deposition in what seems like forever (they keep getting rescheduled!). I'm really want to grill somebody. Under oath. And then sing a few questions just to freak them out a little bit.

My ego is named Gizmo

It's no shock to say that us lawyers have healthy egos.

Some have been the best of the best of the best (with Honors) for their entire lives. Others have experienced crazy success in their professional lives.

Then there is my dormant ego.

My ego turns off and on depending on who I am dealing with at any given moment. If you are a down to earth, intelligent, rational human-being; I'll be the most humble and self-deprecating person on the planet. I figure that you get a lot more done in a day when you try and make the other person laugh.

If you not someone that can be charitably called a "human being", my ego will then attempt to choke you.

Now, a for instance...

Last week, I was trying the cute and cuddly approach to a Plaintiffs counsel that I've been fighting with for years. I was trying to get him to see the light (and realize that he has no case). Unfortunately, he is a true believer in his cause and no amount of common sense (nor evidence) will dissuade him from the righteousness of his position. Then he dropped this beauty: "Don't debate this law with me, I helped draft this law!"

He then began to recite chapter and verse about the various provisions of the law that are going to get his client a substantial recovery. Which, in my opinion, is bullshit. I finally lost my patience and my superiority complex took over Thus, I respond like a sarcastic little ass: "Is that why the legislature gutted your law a year after you wrote it?"

I don't think he liked that being brought up. He stormed off and didn't return. So much for settlement.

Ego 1, Client's Best Interest 0.

Also, don't get my ego wet.

1-800-Dangerous

Clients, lawyers, insurance adjustors and other cretins have the gall to interrupt my focus on the never-ending pile of paperwork (sometimes also known as ‘gChat’) through chatting me up on the phone.

My new solution is to let the courts cure all my problems for me. Or at least try to have the courts cure my problems for me.

The first target of opportunity was unexpected. In one of my many cases, opposing counsel and I had worked out an agreed order that was going to be presented to the Court today. Due to my schedule laziness I did not attend the court hearing. Then I got a phone call:

Opposing counsel: Hey Namby, I’m in chambers right now and the Judge wants to talk to you.
Judge: Hallllllo!??
Me: Good morning your honor. I understand that you wanted to talk to me.
Judge: Yes. Uh….Yes. I… Uh…was just looking at this order and I just wanted to be sure that you were agreeing to this. I didn’t want your opponent trying to pull a fast one on you.
Me: Yes, your honor, I am agreeing to this order. I appreciate the call.
Judge: Anything else you would like me to do on this order? Or should I just enter it as is?
Me: You can always arrest opposing counsel for me.
Judge: That’s easy enough. [Away from the phone] DEPUTY! DEPUTY! [pauses as I can hear someone enter the room] Would you place this gentleman in handcuffs, thank you. [Back to me] Anything else I can do for you?

But I wasn’t done with my reign of terror. I made a call to a client this afternoon and got screened by his secretary.

Me: Hi, this is Namby, I am one of your corporate lawyers, can I speak with the boss please?
Secretary: I’m sorry, he isn’t available at the moment. Can I help you?
Me: I was just checking that he sent the documents that we were looking for a few weeks ago. I need them for a Court hearing tomorrow morning.
Secretary: I’ll text him [Does so] He says he’ll be sending them out tonight.
Me: Great. I’ll tell the judge to issue a bench warrant for his arrest tomorrow. Thanks for your help.
Secretary: Anything to help you guys out…wait…what?
Me: I’m kidding.

How else are you supposed to deal with the interruptions that go on throughout the day?

Things I want to say in court, but decorum says I shouldn’t

I’ve got an obnoxious opposing counsel that is (a) way too uptight, (b) not so bright and (c) my opponent in a contentious motion fight tomorrow. As it is, I am looking to spice up the record as I hopefully can make the court reporter say “wha???”

I’ve started to think about what one liners I can use to make the time in front of the judge a little more entertaining, and hopefully throw my opponent off of his “game”. I think that an opening line, something to the tune of “Good morning your honor, I’ll have you know that I flunked torts. Twice” would appropriately break the ice as we really get flowing into our verbal sparring.

If that didn’t work I could just frankly admit that my intentions are pure:

“The court is mistaken, I am not flirting, I am merely attempting horizontal bribery”

When my efforts to seduce the truth fail, I can just fall back on the things that define a component lawyer, that being knowledge of the law:

“The law on this issue is clearly establishes that the Plaintiff is a whiny bitch”

No matter what happens, there is one thing that even I don’t have the balls to say no matter how the situation presents itself:

“You couldn't be more wrong...your honor.”