1-800-Dangerous

Clients, lawyers, insurance adjustors and other cretins have the gall to interrupt my focus on the never-ending pile of paperwork (sometimes also known as ‘gChat’) through chatting me up on the phone.

My new solution is to let the courts cure all my problems for me. Or at least try to have the courts cure my problems for me.

The first target of opportunity was unexpected. In one of my many cases, opposing counsel and I had worked out an agreed order that was going to be presented to the Court today. Due to my schedule laziness I did not attend the court hearing. Then I got a phone call:

Opposing counsel: Hey Namby, I’m in chambers right now and the Judge wants to talk to you.
Judge: Hallllllo!??
Me: Good morning your honor. I understand that you wanted to talk to me.
Judge: Yes. Uh….Yes. I… Uh…was just looking at this order and I just wanted to be sure that you were agreeing to this. I didn’t want your opponent trying to pull a fast one on you.
Me: Yes, your honor, I am agreeing to this order. I appreciate the call.
Judge: Anything else you would like me to do on this order? Or should I just enter it as is?
Me: You can always arrest opposing counsel for me.
Judge: That’s easy enough. [Away from the phone] DEPUTY! DEPUTY! [pauses as I can hear someone enter the room] Would you place this gentleman in handcuffs, thank you. [Back to me] Anything else I can do for you?

But I wasn’t done with my reign of terror. I made a call to a client this afternoon and got screened by his secretary.

Me: Hi, this is Namby, I am one of your corporate lawyers, can I speak with the boss please?
Secretary: I’m sorry, he isn’t available at the moment. Can I help you?
Me: I was just checking that he sent the documents that we were looking for a few weeks ago. I need them for a Court hearing tomorrow morning.
Secretary: I’ll text him [Does so] He says he’ll be sending them out tonight.
Me: Great. I’ll tell the judge to issue a bench warrant for his arrest tomorrow. Thanks for your help.
Secretary: Anything to help you guys out…wait…what?
Me: I’m kidding.

How else are you supposed to deal with the interruptions that go on throughout the day?