How to handle trick-or-treaters

Today's Halloween. If you've recovered from your drunken costume pageants, you may have to deal with the little rapscallions who have donned costumers hoping for candy.

I'm here to tell you that it is your responsibility to a) give them candy and b) make sure they never come to your house again when football is on and it is the middle of a Sunday afternoon.

Here are your instructions: (1) Be sure to answer your door clothed, (2) flirt with the children's parents and (3) give the children jello shots.

Guaranteed for a happy halloween.