Monday, October 04, 2010

Things I want to say in court, but decorum says I shouldn’t

I’ve got an obnoxious opposing counsel that is (a) way too uptight, (b) not so bright and (c) my opponent in a contentious motion fight tomorrow. As it is, I am looking to spice up the record as I hopefully can make the court reporter say “wha???”

I’ve started to think about what one liners I can use to make the time in front of the judge a little more entertaining, and hopefully throw my opponent off of his “game”. I think that an opening line, something to the tune of “Good morning your honor, I’ll have you know that I flunked torts. Twice” would appropriately break the ice as we really get flowing into our verbal sparring.

If that didn’t work I could just frankly admit that my intentions are pure:

“The court is mistaken, I am not flirting, I am merely attempting horizontal bribery”
When my efforts to seduce the truth fail, I can just fall back on the things that define a component lawyer, that being knowledge of the law:
“The law on this issue is clearly establishes that the Plaintiff is a whiny bitch”
No matter what happens, there is one thing that even I don’t have the balls to say no matter how the situation presents itself:

“You couldn't be more wrong...your honor.”