Please spay and neuter your potential clients

Caller: I got shot and I don't know what I can do.
Me: Ok. Who shot you?
Caller: I dunno.
Me: And what exactly do you think you can do about that?
Caller: My friends told me I could sue the city.
Me: Your friends are idiots.
Caller: What?
--

Caller: I had surgery and the doctor made a mistake.
Me: How so?
Caller: I can't...I can't...
Me: You can't what?
Caller: Ejaculate.
Me: Have you gone to a doctor about this?
Caller: No.
--

Caller: I slipped and I fell at a store as I walked in.
Me: Was it raining?
Caller: Yeah? What's that gotta do with it?
Me: It's the law in the State of Illinois [Insert legal dissertation on natural accumulation, ingress/egress, etc. here] meaning that the store isn't legally responsible.
Caller: What do you mean? I got rights! That store has to pay for my medical bills!
Me: No, they don't.
Caller: Then who is supposed to pay them? It's not my fault.
Me: Actually it kinda is.
Caller: That's some bullsh**