Good things come in threes. So do phone calls.

Congress was right!

Claims Handler: Have you heard about the new federal rules require that I get certain information about your client for Medicare purposes
Me: The only thing that the Federal Government has told me is that insurance companies are evil.
Claims Handler: We are evil.
Me: Excellent.

Hopefully she won’t mouth off to her boss…

BigFirm Secretary: I need to speak to a Mr. Pimby’s secretary.
Me: It’s pronounced ‘Pamby’. Your punishment is to go take a lap.
BigFirm Secretary: Um…?
Me: You are talking to Mr. Pamby, but I like being called “Namby” or “Idiot”. What can I do for you?
BigFirm Secretary: It’s refreshing to talk to an attorney that is so nice and has a sense of humor.
Me: It’s better to be nice. It’s better for my mood, my blood pressure and for my client. Not that the client matters or anything…
BigFirm Secretary: I just don’t hear this all that often.
Me: It’s just a job. You have a job, I have a job. There is nothing to be a pompous asshat about. The only difference is I can put J.D. after my name. But I don’t.
BigFirm Secretary: Because it’s pretentious?
Me: Absolutely.

International infliction of emotional distress

Caller: I filed a lawsuit in another country
Me: Ok?
Caller: I want to know what it’s worth.
Me: You would have to talk to an attorney in the jurisdiction where you filed your case.
Caller: Ok. [Pauses]
Me: Anything else I can help you with?
Caller: Can you give me an idea what my case would be worth?
Me: Comparing Illinois law to your situation would be like taking Apples and the planet Mars.
Caller: Right. I understand.
Me: I wish you the best of luck and I encourage you to talk to a lawyer in the country where you filed suit.
Caller: Of course. One more thing. I just want to know how much I should expect from this lawsuit.