If only I could say what I mean

What I say: "In order to be able to respond to counsel's and the opposing party's baseless allegations, my client needs discovery and depositions."

What I mean: "My client is a lying sack of monkey-spunk and I have the misfortune of getting into a battle where the other side is bigger, stronger and right...but I need to make sure that I don't get sued by the client after they fire me."

It's 10pm and I hate spewing legalese representing scumbags.

Just another failure to communicate

Caller: My girl told me if I got hurt for any reason, I can call you and you can give me money.
Me: That’s not exactly how it works, but why don’t you tell me what happened.
Caller: I was a friend of my friend’s house borrowing a movie and I slipped down the stairs.
Me: What caused you to fall down the stairs?
Caller: The dude who’s home I was in hit me in the face.
Me: What?
Caller: He didn’t know I was there.
Me: You were borrowing a movie and he didn’t know you were in his house.
Caller: Naww.
Me: You’re lucky he didn’t shoot you.
Caller: I’d shot him back.
Me: Not if he’d killed you.

I just got dropped from the fantasy team

This is not exactly how I wanted to spend my first personal day off in 57 weeks, but nonetheless, there I was sitting in pre-op being a pin cushion (“IV stick test dummy”) for the nurse awaiting the beginning of my second knee surgery.



Then the surgeon came in with the news of the day: “We aren’t going to be able to do this as we planned as it looks like there is only a ten percent chance of success.” Which translated loosely into “Your worst fears are coming true and you will spend the rest of the year learning to walk again.” The anesthesiologist comes in, I roll out and the next thing I know, I wake up having been hacked to pieces.

Only to find out that I came out aces.

The arthroscopic procedure was as invasive as they had to go (instead of using a rusty butcher knife on the knee), they cleaned everything up, took the screw out and after coming back from dreamland, I was able to walk out of the hospital.

The reason why?

My screw was loose.

Leaving J. Lyman Stone and Associates

One of my friends has been extremely unhappy in his job.

Underpaid, overworked and frankly just fed up with the crap of his firm he started the job search. Which went nowhere fast. After that, he tried to become more involved in the firm in an effort to prove his worth with the hope that the partners would reward the diligent young attorney.

Which they did. By exposing him to the office shenanigans.

Without giving too much detail to protect the soon-to-be-convicted employer, various law enforcement agencies have been investigating the partners of this firm for an extended period of time. My friend is the young attorney turned cooperating witness who just finished his final day by sending a notice of resignation after one last court appearance.

The following is the actual text of the letter that was sent to employer with his office keys enclosed:

Dear [Name Redacted]:

• Hours spent driving per week to the office…. 10
• Gas….$320/month
• Dog Daycare….$450/month
• Average monthly paycheck: $1800/month
• Hours wasted watching your boss commit ethical and criminal violations…Innumerable
• Sending your boss to prison….PRICELESS

Consider this my resignation. Effective immediately.

Good Luck.

I’m not sure what is one step past burning bridges on the way out the door...but this has to be close.

And I’m not sure I could have done it better myself.

Riding the short bus on the start of a short work-week

Today is starting off aces:

1. Couldn't fall asleep last night. When I finally did, it was about three in the morning.

2. I woke up from said short sleep after having a vivid dream. It was about a client and his friend who I had deposed in the clients case. They proceeded to do naughty things to me.

2a. By naughty, I mean they proceeded to stick a gun in my face and rob me.

2b. This was the perfect analogy to how the attorney-client relationship had worked with this case. Or it could be because the client had a rap sheet as long as my arm.

2c. Someone please page Dr. Freud for me.

3. I got out of the shower this morning only to realize that I had not actually engaged in any affirmative behavior to remove the dirt and grime from my body.

4. It's going to Thunderstorm all day today. Apparently Winter is taking a day to get it's Christmas shopping done.

5. Thank goodness it's a short week except I'm having surgery on Wednesday and we get to eat Turkey and Vicodin on Thursday!

Happy Monday?

Opposing Counsel ranks his children

"My dumb kid is in his third year at Harvard Law"

The smart kid didn't go to law school.

The Definition of Client: See Waste of Time

Client: We have to ask for punitive damages!
Me: You aren’t entitled to punitive damages.
Client: You have to put it in the complaint or I’m finding another lawyer.
Me: The court’s going to strike it and we’re going to be back here all over again.
Client: I don’t care.

Law School Seeks Student for Three-Year Relationship

Prestigious, top-50 law school is presently seeking a non-committed and/or waitlisted from a Top-15 institution for a contentious three-year relationship that will force the individual to rethink everything about the world and develop crippling dependencies on caffeine, alcohol and other psychotropic substances.

Hippies, Ideologues and Conservatives need not (openly) apply.

A potential suitor has or will have the ability to spend egregious sums of money on a high-maintenance without reciprocation moody partner whose ‘friends’ will hate, judge and anonymously grade you throughout the period you two are together. This person must also not complain about reimbursing the funders of said funds for the next 15-20 years. After this relationship inevitably comes to an end (through graduation, mutual-consent or imprisonment), there will be little to no chance of moving into a serious, long-term relationship with any respected employer. Ever.

This potential companion will enjoy winning arguments at all costs (short of violence), having useless undergraduate degrees (preferably in political science and/or philosophy), an incontrovertible sense of self-belief, the inability to admit fault or incorrectness and a habit of finding refuge in the smallest facts that reinforce their flawed arguments.

Only individuals with Messianic, Napoleonic or God-complexes should consider themselves perfect for this relationship (like there was ever any doubt that they would think otherwise).

If you are interested in engaging in this personality changing relationship, please contact us at our address below. Be sure to send a photograph, $150.00, your Facebook ID and password as well as every piece of personal information that exists about you in the known universe.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Federalizing this process is only going to make it better

In the effort to find out if my client had a pre-existing condition, I called up the client’s family doctor’s office and attempted to make heads or tails of a myriad of records. As expected, I got latched up with the offices records service:

Me: I was having issues understanding the doctor’s handwriting on some of the medical records.
Records Professional: Which ones can’t you understand?
Me: The June 15th order.
Records Professional: The doctor ordered a chest x-ray, two views.
Me: Got it. Well, my client had the car accident on June 20th, like you know.
Records Professional: Right.
Me: And I have a hospital record for June 25th that shows your doctor ordered a neck MRI. I’m just looking for the actual order for the MRI.
Records Professional: Well sometimes what happens is that the chest x-ray will happen and then they’ll just take the MRI as well.
Me: I think that those are two vastly different diagnostic procedures dealing with substantially different parts of the body.
Records Professional: I don’t think that you are right about this.
Me: Regardless, I’m just looking for the doctor’s order for the Neck MRI.
Records Professional: You have it. As I explained it to you, the “chest x-ray two views”

For those of you that don’t understand the difference between a neck MRI and a chest x-ray (but are willing to be educated), it’s about a $2,000 price difference and deals with vastly different body parts (as the name implies). In other words, it would be like going to the doctor for allergy medicine and being put on chemotherapy.

I love people.

A flow chart for signing up a new personal injury client

Potential client calls can take a lot of time especially if you do not know what you are doing. In handling these calls, you want to ascertain if the client would be good for your firm and has a decent chance to get a settlement quickly.

The person that you will be speaking with has made a bold step in contacting you, the attorney, and they will want assurances of your qualifications and experience all the while wasting a lot of your time.

“I have a case and I want to talk to a lawyer”

Step Zero: Presume that the person does not have a case. Trust me…it’s better this way.

“I was under the care of a doctor for 12 years and he found out that I was doing heroin and he refused to be my doctor any longer. And now I keep falling…can I sue my doctor?

Step One: Find out what sort of case this person believes that they have (i.e. Car Accident, Slip and Fall, Malpractice, etc.)

A. It could be a case. Proceed to Step Two
B. Not a case. “I’m sorry, it seems that you are looking to blame people for your problems and the law doesn’t reward klutzes. I’m not going to be able…hello? hello?”

“I was hit by a car in 1990”

Step Two: When was the date of the accident?

A. The statute of limitations has not expired: Begrudgingly proceed to step three.
B. After the expiration of the Statute of Limitations: “I’m sorry there isn’t anything that I am going to be able to do for you…I know that that’s not fair…but that’s the law.”

“It was in the casino boat in Mississippi…does that matter?”

Step Three: Where was the accident?

A. In the state where your law license is valid: Proceed to step four
B. Out of state: “I’m sorry, you will have to talk to an attorney that is licensed in your jurisdiction. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lawyer that I can refer you to.”
C. In Prison: “I’m sorry, you need to talk to a civil rights attorney.’

“…I slipped getting out of my car in a parking lot at 3 in the morning while it was snowing. There was snow everywhere and it hadn’t been plowed yet…”

Step Four: Is there liability?

A. Liability can be proven: Unfortunately, you need to go to step five.
B. No Liability: “I’m sorry, the law states (insert common law regarding why they don’t get paid) and unfortunately I won’t be able to help you…yes…I know…that is ‘some bouleshit’…I wish I could help.”
C. Shaky Liability at Best: “I would suggest that you talk to a civil rights attorneys as they may be able to help you out better.”

“But I could have died!”

Step Five: Damages.

A. There are discernable, actual damages. Yeah…you’ve got to go to step six
B. No damages: “Just because you could have died doesn’t mean that you have a case. Call me back when you actually die.”

“The person that hit me fled the scene…does that mean I can sue the city?”

Step Six: Is there a Responsible Party with a Responsible Bank Account.

A. There is valid insurance: Sign the client up.
B. There is no valid insurance: refer the client to a civil rights attorney
C. There is no valid insurance, but the tortfeasor is independently wealthy: if you believe in Santa Claus, sign this person up.

I hope to streamline your process and allow you to quickly sign up all of my potential clients. So that they can be your problem and not mine.

Monday Morning Do Not’s

(1) Do not Google a surgical procedure or medical condition that you have never heard of before and then click the link for photos. You will be nauseous.

(2) Do not answer the phone from the phone number you recognize but can’t remember why you recognize it. You will need treatment for screaming client induced hearing loss.

(3) Do not ask a client “what sort of settlement money are you seeking to get?” You will respond improperly much to their frustration (“Oh yeah? Well, I want a pony”) and your detriment.

Happy Monday Everybody.

Namby Pamby, Children's Art Critic

I was on my way to "do work" at the State of Illinois Building when I happened to meander by an exhibit on Epilepsy Awareness. The powers that be selected various pieces of art to commemorate awareness for this disease. (How artwork helps awareness of this disease is a discussion for the comments)

Here is the one piece of artwork that really caught my eye:

For those of you that can't read the text contained in the art, this piece is entitled "Epilepsy Wars" and features well known Epilepsy Advocates Darth Vader, Yoda, what looks like a drawing of a brain and several pills.

Not content to let the images speak for themselves, the artist has included dialogue for the audience to endure: Mr. Vader claims "I am your epilepsy" and Mr. Yoda states "Epilepsy, desire you not."

This piece speaks volumes. As to what it is saying, I'll let others decide.

This isn’t Monday, is it?

3:00am: Wake up sick. Can’t fall back asleep. At least the elections are over.
6:30am: Still sick. Have to work though.
8:30am: Court begins for the morning
9:31am: Motion hearing goes to hell in a handbasket.
9:32am: Denial: My exact words were “you cannot be serious judge”
9:38am: Anger at the judge. Catch myself before I drop the f-word in court. Finish statement: Your honor you have to be...f…kidding…the law is clear on this. You have no basis for this ruling
9:43am: Bargaining with the judge. One of the opposing counsel who is getting more screwed than I am is now beet red and looks like he is about to jump on the bench
9:45am: Judge continues the shitshow. Lecturing me.
9:46am: Depression sets in as I realize I’m about to be the judge’s bitch.
9:58am: Acceptance at the late-term abortion of justice that was just served up. Draft the order with the other counsel.
10:30am: Back to the office. Coffee in hand. Feeling like death.
10:45am: Defeat. I’m going to the doctor. I’m leaving the office at 1.
10:48am: Phone call: “Namby, this is the Judge’s clerk you were before this morning. I cannot enter this order…” Cue 20 minutes of this clerk screaming at me questioning my competence and basic understanding of law. My partner walks in as I am trying to beat myself to death with the phone. Have to make sure that I do not question her judge’s (a) senility, (b) intellect or (c) lack of male genitalia due to an unfortunate gavel incident.
11:45am: Partner drops large project on my desk that has to be done before I leave at 1.
12:45pm: The clerk calls again. “Am I catching you at a bad time?” Proceeds to inform me that she ran the order at issue by the supervising judge. Tells me that the supervising judge wants to see me in Chambers tomorrow to “discuss this”. [Let's say this supervising judge has a reputation for the opposite of being nice.]

Quite possibly the worst ten hours ever.

Until I went to the doctor and was given express orders to refrain from drinking for two weeks ordered to spend half a week’s salary on antibiotics and other prescription drugs.

Things you never want to see made: laws and settlement agreements

Setting: Mediation. Judge’s office. Sun filtering through the windows. Counsel and clients sit before the judge about to begin the settlement conference process.

Partner: Your honor, we don’t believe that there is a case here. The Plaintiff is on a fishing expedition…
Me: (I sit silently as a good associate should despite doing most of the work on this file…my reward is being present at this illustrious day)
Partner: …and frankly, our clients are content at paying us and not the Plaintiff…
Me: (Seen but not heard…yet still billing my time)
Partner: Our clients would like to have their day in court…
Judge: Well…um…normally I would…
Me: (There are just some eruptions that you can see coming…)
Client: Your Honor, this is injustice! We have had to pay hundreds of thousands in legal fees and we’ve done nothing wrong…I believe…
Judge: Let me stop your right there…
Me: (Stifling laughter as judge kicks client in face)
Judge: (Kicks client in face)
Partner: (More adroitly stifles laugher as judge kicks client in face)
Judge: I think the Plaintiff does not have a case. But make the smart business decision here.
Client: But…But…
Judge: Do it.
Client: Your honor, they don’t have a case.
Judge: It doesn’t matter if the whiny bitch. I don’t have a magic wand.
Partner: (Looks down as he stifles the ‘told you so’ dance)
Me: (Coughs)
Client: What does it say about the judicial system if we get held hostage to a…
Judge: I’ve been doing this my entire professional life. Don’t insult the system. Just the settle case. Or pay your attorneys another $150,000 and get out of my office.
Partner: (Grimaces and braces for the client to go nuts)
Client: But…but…but…fine.

Three years, hundreds of billable hours and a less than nuisance value settlement equals a final score of: Defense team 1, Plaintiff’s counsel 0.