Law School Seeks Student for Three-Year Relationship

Prestigious, top-50 law school is presently seeking a non-committed and/or waitlisted from a Top-15 institution for a contentious three-year relationship that will force the individual to rethink everything about the world and develop crippling dependencies on caffeine, alcohol and other psychotropic substances.

Hippies, Ideologues and Conservatives need not (openly) apply.

A potential suitor has or will have the ability to spend egregious sums of money on a high-maintenance without reciprocation moody partner whose ‘friends’ will hate, judge and anonymously grade you throughout the period you two are together. This person must also not complain about reimbursing the funders of said funds for the next 15-20 years. After this relationship inevitably comes to an end (through graduation, mutual-consent or imprisonment), there will be little to no chance of moving into a serious, long-term relationship with any respected employer. Ever.

This potential companion will enjoy winning arguments at all costs (short of violence), having useless undergraduate degrees (preferably in political science and/or philosophy), an incontrovertible sense of self-belief, the inability to admit fault or incorrectness and a habit of finding refuge in the smallest facts that reinforce their flawed arguments.

Only individuals with Messianic, Napoleonic or God-complexes should consider themselves perfect for this relationship (like there was ever any doubt that they would think otherwise).

If you are interested in engaging in this personality changing relationship, please contact us at our address below. Be sure to send a photograph, $150.00, your Facebook ID and password as well as every piece of personal information that exists about you in the known universe.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.