A Week of My Faux Pas

Monday

Me: “Let the record reflect that this is the um….ah…why can’t I think of the word…”
Opposing Counsel: “Deposition”
Me: “This is a good way to start out a transcript”

Tuesday

Judges Clerk: “We never received your courtesy copies, you are going to have to refile”

Wednesday

Partner: We just got this motion to dismiss. What are they talking about?
Me: It looks like I wrote the court date on the order wrong.
Partner: Whoops. File an affidavit with our response.
Me: “I swear that I am an idiot and can’t write days of the week correctly”
Partner: “Perfect”

Thursday

Opposing counsel: “We could have made this an agreed order”
Me: “I’m a big fan of driving 100 miles for nothing”

Friday

Federal Court Help Desk: “Turns out you filed your motion, but you never scheduled it”

I am so glad that this work week is over.

The Client Drop In

My clients were in the Courtroom.

There they were, sitting in the back row of the Courtroom.

And I had no idea that they were going to be there.

I made this discovery as Plaintiff’s counsel and I were turning away from the bench after our brief status hearing. I did the only thing that made sense: made eye contact with the CEO and CFO, smile at them both and then promptly drop everything I had brought to the bench with me.

The problem was not that the clients showed up, the problem was going to be the time I was going to have to spend time talking with them. I don’t like spending time with them.

Because they make my brain itch.

These clients do not feel the inspiration to follow our instructions, requests nor do they respond kindly when we get down on our knees to beg These clients also believe that they know more than their attorneys, the judge and anyone ever born in the history of the universe. These are the clients that we have to lie to them about court deadlines focus the truth so we can scare the fear of God into them to get them to comply with discovery deadlines in an orderly manner.

A simple five minute case conference turned into an impromptu meeting in the courthouse coffeeshop where the clients waxed rhapsodic about the injustices of the justice system, the wicked Plaintiff’s attorney, the ungodly amount that my firm charges them and anything else that they could find awful about life.

That five minute case conference turned into two billable hours of my life that I will never get back.

Case to no case in 4.6 seconds

Caller: I want to ask you a question.
Me: Go right ahead.
Caller: My son was in a car accident and he broke his pelvis.
Me: When did this happen?
Caller: Yesterday.
Me: Tell me about the accident.
Caller: It’s not about the accident. The Doctor, at the hospital, sent him home without surgery but he has to go back and see if he needs surgery.
Me: What’s your question then?
Caller: Can I sue because they sent him home without surgery?
Me: No.
Caller: That just don’t seem right to me.
Me: I’m a lawyer, not a doctor. Trust the doctor on this. It did just happen yesterday. Maybe I can help him with the car accident though. You want to tell me about that?
Caller: He was in a car that was being chased by the police…

It’s at this point in the call that I avoid having the caller ask why I am laughing.

And I refer her to a civil rights lawyer.

The Namby Pamby Flamethrower (the kiddies love that one)

After thinking about this for a while, I've decided to make the foray into selling kitschy items that you absolutely cannot live without. I encourage you all to visit the new AmazoneBay of the internet: The Namby Pamby General Store. (Bookmark it now: cafepress.com/thenambypamby)

I just ordered the first two coffee mugs from the store and I'll have a better idea of what I am doing in about a week.

A few notes: (1) I am not marking up the prices (because like this blog, I am doing this for fun), (2) Shipping is expensive, (3) Because I am doing the 'free store' option, it limits the products that I can have up at once (i.e. only one unique design coffee mug), (4) I really want reader feedback on this (like: "Is this even a good idea?" or "Your designs suck") and (5) Please send me suggestions (for things you'd like to see in the store).

Maybe this is an idea whose time has yet to come, maybe it'll be a fun way for me to promote the blog and maybe this might just give us something unique for the office, home and school.

As always, my e-mail (thenambypamby@gmail.com) is always looking for more mail.

I'm surrounded by assholes!

After extensive research and experience, I’ve had it with the assholes in this profession.

You know who you people are (yeah, I said you people). You are the ones that don’t answer your phones, don’t return e-mails, communicate via motion, yell, scream, bitch, moan, shout, pontificate, or just act in a way that degrades this profession. Here is my message to you: You are an attorney, not a deity. You went through three years of hell to become a well-dressed flunky. Get over it.

Effective immediately, I announce that the asshole policy is simple: I won’t be one. When dealing with an asshole: I will respond with kindness.

And sanctions.

Political thawts

1. I've always wanted to be one of those people that got called in the opinion polling. It has never happened. Until tonight. When it happened twice in the space of thirty minutes.

2. Martha Coakley has to be a defense attorney's dream. She sounds like the automated voice from my computer reading text. Makes W seem eloquent. Or coherent.

3. I'd like to extend congratulations to Sen. Ted Kennedy on his 6 months of sobriety.

4. There is a Republican going to the senate from Massachusetts? What on earth? Have the Cubs won the world series? What's going on here?

5. Watching Keith Olbermann tonight is like Christmas morning. Only better.

A working holiday

Today is one of those days where political correctness demands that you reflect. It is doubtful that many during the 1960’s could have imagined the progress that is now our reality. We have to look no further than the White House: 40 years ago, could anyone have imagined a nine-fingered man being Chief of Staff to the President? I think not.

Last time I checked, this day is a national holiday and, as such, I continue with the tradition that I started 10 years ago: doing exactly what I would be doing on any other day.

Having attended a College and a Law School that didn’t particularly care what was going on outside of its hallowed walls, I never got into the tradition of taking Martin Luther King Day off. Nor President’s Day. Definitely not Casimir Pulaski Day. [We did get Easter off, but I think that that had more to do with the fact that holiday fell on a Sunday]

I have plenty of friends that observe this day and its importance to our Country. They are called government employees.

For me, and a lot of other attorneys that I know, today is the day to catch up on paperwork (if we weren’t smart enough to schedule a deposition). Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll be able to get out of the office a little early today. And that’s about the best I can hope for on any working holiday.

Fostering successful client relations

At 12:15, I get a call:

Reception: Your client is here.
Me: Great. I’ll be right with him.

I hang up the phone and return to work on this persnickety complaint. Time starts to meander by.

12:22—Continue finalizing a pleading
12:27—Partner Calls
12:31—Check e-mail
12:32—Check Twitter
12:34—Check Fax Machine
12:36—Print Finalized pleading for partner review
12:38—Deliver pleading to partner
12:39—Research cause of action for potential client
12:43—Begin gChat and continue research
12:50—Why do I feel like I’m missing something? Check calender. Find nothing.
12:53—Opposing counsel calls.
12:54—More Twitter and e-mail while the phone call continues
12:55—I guess I should get some coffee.
12:56—Hey look, my client is sitting in reception. What’s he doing here?

Whoops.

One letter, two ways

Dear Counselor:

We have recently received and reviewed the discovery that you have had the court order us produce.

I received the crap in a month ago and I’ve just started looking at it now because I am in no hurry to deal with your bull.

Throughout your briefs and the corresponding oral argument for your motion to compel, you stated that these documents are necessary because they will clearly show (1) the validity of your claims and (2) that there a legitimate basis for class certification.

You told the judge you knew what these documents said, you knew that they would make your case, and you knew that you would be on the receiving end of a big f-in check once these documents were turned over to you.

I have spent significant time reviewing each of these documents and have determined that the language that you believed would be present in each document is missing.

That smoking gun, guess what? It's not there! I told ya so. Told ya so. Told told told ya so!

Due to the documents being unsupportive of your allegations and as well as your attempts to certify a putative class, I suggest that we file an agreed order dismissing your claims.

I am having a sale on rope, please take enough to hang yourself.

I understand that you will have to review and analyze the documents before you can agree to my proposal. I look forward to your thoughts and comments as you complete this review and move this litigation forward.

I would like to reference an old Hindu proverb: “If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will soon follow.” Ok, maybe that’s not Hindu but the image is dead on, balls accurate for where I've got you.

Very truly yours,
Namby Pamby

Readers Request: Resumes and Cover Letters

I’ve wanted to have reader suggested posts for some time (also known as reader assisted writer’s block removal) and I’ve been spurned into action from a recent comment from longtime reader EM:

I've been following your blog for a long time now and as I'm applying for jobs, this post made me wonder, how would Namby write his resume? I'm looking for impressive ways to state that as an associate, I have concentrated my work on gchatting and random internet searches.

So my hope is that I can have a useful post for serious job hunters in need of a laugh.

Cover Letters

Here’s a confession: I hate writing positive things about me. I like making fun of myself or using my successes or failures as a way to make others laugh. I don’t like writing an unmitigated stream of positive bullshit because I don’t like bragging (I do like it when others brag about me though).

That said, I would find a positive story about yourself that highlights your awesomeness as a lawyer. If you are a law student you’re screwed you have an uphill road to climb and will need to show a prospective employer that you are (1) a quick learner, (2) can handle doing extreme amounts of mindless bitch work like law review and (3) will take any amount of pay just to call yourself an employed attorney.

I was unemployed for nearly a year after law school. Thus, clearly I am an expert. Or a colossal failure.

Resumes

If you worked on it, it is part of your job responsibilities. If its part of your job responsibilities, you can put it on your resume. If it is on your resume, it is likely bullshit. A few examples:

Resume says: Researched and collaborated on multiple litigation projections including labor and employment, intellectual property, insurance coverage and multiple other issues.
What you did: gChatted with your employed friends who work in labor law, IP law, insurance coverage and other practice areas.

Resume Says: Prepared pleadings, motions and all other necessary litigation documents for filing with the Court.
What you did: Copy, collate and staple.

Resume says: Job responsibilities included all aspects of the litigation process including settlement negotiation and trial work.
What you did: Coffee. Cream. Two Sugars.

Resume says: Drafted dispositive motions and supporting briefs.
What you did: Spell check, copy, collate and staple.

Resume Says: Handled client intake.
What you did: Chased the ambulance. Caught the ambulance.

Resumes are about focusing the truth. The truth is you are awesome and the reader of your resume should be focused on giving you a job.

EM, I hope this post has given you the vital insight you were seeking. With job tips like these, you will soon be a successful professional like me. Making millions and millions of Yen.

Inside the Courtroom: I may be a professional, but I avoid being professional

As I touched on earlier (via Twitter), my first court call this morning was in front of a Judge that I had never been before. I was seated at the nearest seat to the bench and my opposing counsel was next to me when the judge entered the courtroom. Opposing counsel is a stoic litigator from one of the largest firms in the city and she definitely exudes the ‘don’t fuck with me if you value your clients life, property and progeny’ vibe.

Her vibe is a wee bit too serious for me. Thus, as the Judge was standing behind the bench about to sit down, I lean over to her and softly whisper “this judge looks like the public defender in My Cousin Vinny.”

I am happy to report as the Courtroom was told to sit down, she began laughing out loud. And then snorted.

But that was not where the fun ended for this court call. I was now in a slap happy mood as I walked to the bench when we were called. My mouth began on autopilot before my brain could catch up with it: “Your honor, we have agreed to postpone the deadline so that we could hopefully settle this matter before…” At that point, my brain caught up with my mouth.

I just was about to finish the phrase that I had just started when I realized “we are balls deep in litigation” is not the educated lingo that I want to loudly pronounce to a packed courtroom. Instead, as I mentally walked myself back from this potential linguistic faux pas, I began to ‘um’ and ‘uh’ with complete confidence. “Uh…before…we are up to our ears in full blown litigation, your Honor.”

The practical note here is to avoid the colloquial when the judge has pronounced ears.

The general note is that I should probably not talk in the Courtroom. Ever.

1-800-ETHICS-YAY

I am quite wary of the age old saying “the lawyer that represents himself has a fool for a client.” In order to make sure that I wasn’t about to do just that (or get myself disbarred), I made a call to the Illinois Attorney Registration and Disciplinary Commisson’s toll-free ethics inquiry line.

Me: I want to make sure that I am not about to unknowingly break a rule of professional responsibility.
ARDC: What’s the situation
Me: I am looking to represent my firm in a malpractice action with an issue that originated before my time here.
ARDC: That’s absolutely fine.
Me: I guess my real question is can I represent my firm as a solo practitioner, separate from the firm?
ARDC: That’s fine too.
Me: I want to make some joke about inappropriate behavior, like sleeping with the boss who is now a client, but it is too late in the day for humor.
ARDC: We don’t regulate that.
Me: But now my boss is going to be my client.
ARDC: Just as long as you start sleeping with the boss before you file that appearance, you are acting ethically.

It started as a serious call but ended like a drunk dial to Westlaw.

Lawyers should reinvent the wheel, part II

I wrote several months back about how I would modify a UCC financing statement into user friendly, PG-13 language. Today’s task in re-writing the overworded, I give you the confidentiality agreement:

Option A: Legalese infused with a bouquet of $5 words

This confidentiality agreement and order is binding on Plaintiff’s counsel, the Plaintiffs, Defendant’s counsel and the Defendants. Any information that is the subject of or related to the discovery processes shall be deemed confidential information that is subject to this agreement. Any and all information including but not limited to the information sought by the Defendants that is disclosed by or on behalf of the Plaintiffs through deposition or other discovery process (as defined by the applicable Supreme Court Rules) shall be treated as confidential information subject to this agreement (herein after the “Confidential Information”). Confidential Information obtained through the discovery processes (described in paragraph three above) shall be kept confidential by the attorney of record for each respective Defendant & each Defendant. At no time shall the Confidential Information that is disclosed be transmitted to any person or third parties other than the attorney of record for each respective Defendant and a single designated and identified representative from each Defendant. For purposes of this agreement “Any other person or third party” includes, but is not limited to private investigators, non-lawyers, etc. Defendant’s counsel believes that disclosure of the Confidential Information to someone other than the people set forth in paragraph four above is necessary, Defendant’s counsel must provide written notice to Plaintiff’s counsel and receive written authorization from Plaintiff’s counsel specifically agreeing to the disclosure requested by Plaintiff’s counsel. Plaintiff’s counsel shall not unreasonably withhold this authorization. If Plaintiff and Defendant’s counsel cannot agree on the requested disclosure, the question shall be submitted to the Court with all parties filings made under seal. Prior to the commencement of the discovery process, Defendant’s counsel and the single, indentified and described representative, disclosed by each Defendant and disclosed pursuant to the terms and provisions of this agreement, shall agree to the terms of this confidentiality agreement and order. If the terms and conditions of this agreement are violated, a complaint shall be filed with the Court under seal and the Court shall determine the appropriate remedy for said violation.

Option B: The Economy of Words

I tell you stuff and you shut the f*** up. If you don’t shut the f*** up, I get to break your face.

2010's Opening Salvo

I don’t make resolutions as usually they are things that I need to be doing anyway. (And I want more motivation to do these things past February 1.) That being said, I am looking at the New Year and trying to figure out what’s what. Thus, I am doing a little Pro-Con debate for the beginning of the year:

Pro: I was in Court to start the New Year. (Objection!)
Con: I started the new year 0 for 1 in contested motions. (Objection sustained)

Con: I didn’t win the ABA Blawg 100. I finished third (second place loser)
Pro: BitterLawyer.com did. (Damn well deserved)

Con: I have the makings of a mullet. (“Mooleigh”)
Pro: Nair is sold in large jugs. (And a haircut scheduled for tomorrow)

Con: There is a mountain of overdue and unfinished discovery on my ‘to-do’ list
Pro: Sanctions have yet to be filed.

Pro: I have a job.

As you can see, this year has the makings of choice. This year also has the makings of a Cubs World Series, an American World Cup victory and an assortment of other hallunications. I’m hopeful for big things this year. Now it’s time to get to work on them.

Let’s get to it.