Tuesday, January 12, 2010

One letter, two ways

Dear Counselor:

We have recently received and reviewed the discovery that you have had the court order us produce.

I received the crap in a month ago and I’ve just started looking at it now because I am in no hurry to deal with your bull.
Throughout your briefs and the corresponding oral argument for your motion to compel, you stated that these documents are necessary because they will clearly show (1) the validity of your claims and (2) that there a legitimate basis for class certification.
You told the judge you knew what these documents said, you knew that they would make your case, and you knew that you would be on the receiving end of a big f-in check once these documents were turned over to you.
I have spent significant time reviewing each of these documents and have determined that the language that you believed would be present in each document is missing.
That smoking gun, guess what? It's not there! I told ya so. Told ya so. Told told told ya so!
Due to the documents being unsupportive of your allegations and as well as your attempts to certify a putative class, I suggest that we file an agreed order dismissing your claims.
I am having a sale on rope, please take enough to hang yourself.
I understand that you will have to review and analyze the documents before you can agree to my proposal. I look forward to your thoughts and comments as you complete this review and move this litigation forward.
I would like to reference an old Hindu proverb: “If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will soon follow.” Ok, maybe that’s not Hindu but the image is dead on, balls accurate for where I've got you.
Very truly yours,
Namby Pamby