Pencils down, pulse rate up

I'm not sure if this means I should be rooting for the one bar-taker in the office or not:

Me: Bar results come out tomorrow.
Attorney: Do they?
Me: Going to do anything special for your new attorney if she passes?
Attorney: Get her drunk and take advantage of her?
Me: How about something that we all can take part in?
Attorney: I’ll let you watch.

Good luck to all who are waiting on pins and needles for the news. Take note from when I went through this process: Scotch works as (1) a weapon against anxiety, (2) a pain-killer and as (2) a Molotov cocktail.

Greed is good. ish Clients are dumb. ish

The case begins:

Client: All I am looking for is for my medical bills to be paid.
Lawyer: I look forward to working with you on this matter. We will see what we can do together.

Two months later:

Client: I want my medical bills paid and I want $25,000.
Lawyer: I think that is a reasonable expectation

Two more months later:

Client: I want $50,000.
Lawyer: I am working towards that.

Two weeks after that:

Lawyer: They’ve offered $75,000. I think there is more money to be had though.
Client: I want $100,000. Not a penny less.

The next day:

Lawyer: I’m looking for you to give me permission to settle the case
Client: I’ve changed my mind. I need at least $200,000.

Later. That same day:

Lawyer: They’ve offered $400,000. I strongly recommend that you settle this case.
Client: That’s just not enough. Let’s go to trial.

BREAKING NEWS: Client Knows All!!!

Client: Namby, all I can say is that I am not thrilled with the way you and your partner are handling the case...I’ve been talking with another attorney and he doesn’t understand what you are doing.
Me: And what should we be doing?
Client: Well, to start, I don’t understand why you haven’t issued any discovery and why you don’t have any of the records. I took it upon myself to go to the Circuit Clerk and pull the court file and there was nothing in there but the complaint and a few orders. There was no evidence in the file! The attorney I talked to was stunned. Stunned!!!
Me: Well that sounds like a little bit of an issue.
Client: You are telling me that!?!?!? Come on! What type of attorney are you?!?
Me: The type of attorney that knows that the presiding judge has a standing order where discovery requests don’t get put in a public court file, the type of attorney that subpoenaed and received all of the records over a year ago, and the type of attorney who complied with the court order to finish written discovery eight months ago.
Client: …Oh…
Me: And what type of attorney are you talking to?
Client: My real estate attorney.
Me: Can I get his phone number, I want to ask his advice on how to prepare for your deposition.

I feel loved.

First we pray, then we joke!

As has been par for the course over the last several weeks, I have been running around with my hair on fire incredibly busy. If it isn’t important motion deadlines, appellate brief schedules or acting as a personal assistant/cabana boy/life coach for my partner, it’s been something as equally as pressing.

Today was nothing I hadn’t experienced before: My boss got a call from another one of our partners asking about a case where the statute was expiring at the close of business today. As would be expected, we got everything done and I got a call about 20 minutes ago letting me know that everything was filed and that there was to be no malpractice fears today.

After the all clear was given, I talked to my partner: “Uh…yeah…that was the filing clerk…he was in a car crash or car theft or something and won’t be making it to the Clerk’s office in time…”

It’s not that I am getting used to flirting with professional malpractice, I’m just getting used to the practice of law. Or something like it.

Today’s 8 point plan for when I’m in charge

1. I’ll ban the use of wheeled backpacks and briefcases by the able bodied (health detriments be damned…Chiropractors and Orthopedists need work too!)

2. I’ll require the destruction of red light cameras. By the most destructive means possible.

3. I’ll imprison those who send faxes that (1) don’t have a coversheet and (2) have zero identifying information and could, potentially, be for 20 different attorneys, paralegals, support staff and/or the janitor.

4. I’ll slap those that walk around with Bluetooth ear-pieces that aren’t actually talking on the phone. I will also prohibit the use of these items while walking in public as seeing a person talk to themselves in this manner freaks me out.

5. I’ll make the mail show up on time.

6. I’ll appoint Kanye West as the Minister of Funny Walks. And put him in a glass box made for mimes.

7. I’ll always make sure the Bears win. And the Packers lose.

8. Finally, all clients will be pleasant to deal with, recently showered and excited to overpay their exorbitant legal bills on time.


What can I say? I have a dream.

Today in snippets

I was sent a packet of documents by opposing counsel in one of my cases. Contained in them are stories about how my client is a total whackjob. Never have I laughed so hard while having a case implode so fast.

Daisy’s father sent me a facebook friend invite before he did the same to her. You can insert whatever wisdom/joke/sidecrack you like here.

I have to go before the most senile judge tomorrow to get a settlement approved. I’m worried that I might end up owing money and facing a twenty-year prison sentence before the day is done.

Driving home from Court this morning, I found myself behind an individual with a Green Bay Packers tire cover on the back of their SUV. I took a picture of the offending individual:



Then I checked my insurance policy to see if I could afford to run the slow moving asshole off the road.

My law school is espechully awesum!

Just because I've been free of law school for two years, doesn't mean I don't still enjoy making fun of the institution. Gladly, I am not alone in this:

Daisy: [Our Law School] Alma Mater just sent me a survey!
Daisy: where is the box for "i hate you"
Me: i got it
Me: i was so pissed off
Me: that i didnt delete it right away
Me: instead
Me: i thought about kicking a small child
Me: and i felt better
Daisy: so Alma Mater's server fucked up on saturday
Daisy: and sent The Enabler [Daisy's Fiance]
Me: wait, Alma Mater messed up? no way!
Me: tell me more!
Me: i've never heard of this concept
Daisy: 900 emails
Daisy: of every Law School email since '06
Daisy: flooded his inbox
Daisy: tried to kill his iphone
Me: $150,000 wasn't enough?
Me: They weren't satisfied with taking his dignity? his soul's purity? his anal virginity?
Me: DOES THIS SCHOOL HAVE NO SOUL?
Daisy: exactly
Me: I've had enough this. I'm burning my diploma.
Me: Or I'm just not going to look at it for at least a week

I am wise, just not in the ways of sexting

Partner: I need your help
Me: Ok?
Partner: I received a text message and I don’t understand it. Can you help me out?
Me: Sure. What’s it say?
Partner: LMFAO
Me: Laughing my fucking ass off.
Partner: Ah. Yes. I thought that was the general area.
Me: Anything else?
Partner: So that’s a wee bit stronger than LOL?

Racing against Time

I have a multi-million dollar case that must be filed today in order to beat the statute. Before it can be filed, the complaint has to be written. Several issues: (1) I don't fully understand the area of law that well (or at all) and (2) I'm lazy.

Thus far, I've got the parties written* and I've got all day to finish this nine count complaint.

*The above may be misleading as I don't know how to spell my client's name and is currently (and strategically) referred to as 'CLIENT' throughout the four lines of text currently written.<

I'll try to update throughout the day to let you all know how my procrastination flirting with malpractice induced career suicide progress is going.

---
A little web surfing here a little web surfing there. I'm about 40% done with the first draft. My draft deadline is 11:00am.

---
8 Minutes to spare: draft handed off to the partner.

---
From 11am to 3:54pm I spent all the time (except for 26 minutes having lunch with The Enabler) engaging in writing and rewriting. I got the 31 pages of fun filed with about 22 minutes to spare.

I need a drink.

My brain is eating itself, one bad question as a time

It’s a boring deposition. The second of the day. There are no windows. And the ventilation system has gone kaput. My mind begins to wander:

Question: And where were you going on blah blah blah

Really, you need to ask that question, what on earth are you thinking of discovering with this question. Are you looking for a great place to have dinner before getting rear-ended driving? You really suck at asking questions.

Question: How much were your medical bills from Ace Physical Therapy?

Are you kidding me? I would love to object right now: ‘Objection: stupid ass question’ Do you think that my client’s credibility is really going to be called to question if he cannot remember the exact amount of one of his many bills? Wow. I really need to stop thinking about this deposition or else my brain is going to explode.

Question: Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah?

I am so happy that this deposition is near my house. I love the quick commute. I really wanted to go golfing after this, but that seems to be out of the question. Stupid multi-party depositions. [Long mental pause] This answer is still going on right now? Seriously? I might just fall asleep unless another question is asked.

Question: Is this the same one?

Same one what? I’m confused. I must do something…

Me: Objection. Vague. Irrelevant. Counsel, what on earth are you talking about?

That got it done. What was I thinking about beforehand? Couldn’t have been that important.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't

Due to Court and deposition travel schedules for this afternoon, I am presently working from my couch.

I am faced with today's most perplexing legal issue: Do I nap or play Tiger Woods on PS3?

And how do I note each in my time sheet?

The Saturday Public Service Announcement

Hi folks, it's your neighborly Namby Pamby, with a message of hope, change and prosperity. That's right, it's time to tell your Congressman to outlaw small yippy dogs submit worthy blogs to the ABA for their Annual Blawg 100.

I had the honor of not being able to put this accolade on my resume in a down legal market being selected last year. [Maybe the best moment was when I was out a bar and a classmate of mine from law school, who is now a big firm litigator, came up to me and was like, "You're a celebrity!" but I digress...] The ABA does a great job of publicizing the broad array of blogs that focus on the legal profession and it (at least for me) was awesome to see my nom de plume in print (Take that legal writing professor!).

I can hope that I will make it again to the list, but that is not the purpose of this post. I believe that there are two blogs, both of which I read religiously, that should be on the list: Bitter Lawyer and Litination. These two sites deserve all of the positive attention and traffic that they can get because they routinely produce writing and humor that is of an especially high caliber.

Now, off you go to your Congressman's next town hall meeting...

A Butterfly Flaps its wings in China and two days goes straight to hell in Chicago

It all started yesterday.

I had a productive court appearance in a county a ways a way from Chicago. My opposing counsel and I were seeing eye to eye, and we began to discuss the chance of settlement in a case that is wee bit complicated. The two of us talk from the Courtroom all the way to the parking lot where we get in our respective cars and part ways. I head to the train station, get on the train, and get to the office a short time later.

That’s when I open my portfolio and discover that I forgot to drop off a time sensitive document with a due date of that afternoon. [Insert loud use of swear words here] I immediately get on the phone to the Court where I just came from: “Can I have this overnighted for tomorrow and still be good?” Five hold sessions and twenty minutes later, I start making my plans to go back from where I came. “It has to be here today. No exceptions”

Perfect.

I get back on the train, get back to my car and drive back out to Courthouse. 30 seconds after I arrive there, I am heading back out the door. One work day shot to hell. But the good news is that I get to atone for my screw up: I have the pleasure of picking up a settlement check from an insurance company the very next morning.

Day Two Begins:

I get in my car around 7:30. I have an idea of where I am going, but, due to the fact that the insurance representative didn’t return any of my phone calls or e-mails, I am not 100% where I am going, but off I go nonetheless.

I am getting close to my destination and I make a wrong turn. No worries, I can just take the alternate route that google maps had given to me. I’m about 45 seconds into the new route when I have to stop due to a truck waiting to turn into a driveway. Then I hear tires screeching and a vehicle skidding. Of course, I look up into the rear view mirror at an odd angle just in time to see a white pickup truck collide into my car’s read end.

Perfect.

I get out. See that there is no damage on my car (it’s a POS…why would there be damage?) and there is no damage on his. “Sorry, my cell phone rang and I just looked down and bam. Totally my fault.” No worries, I tell him, besides, I’m the worst guy to hit, I’m an Ambulance Chasing attorney. “You are?” Yep. But it looks good to me. Have a great weekend.

I get back into the car and drive for another 15 minutes. I arrive at the insurance company only to be told that I am at the wrong location.

Perfect.

The moral of the story here is this: I planned to take today and yesterday off. I should have.

Have a great holiday weekend. I know I will. Or I'll die trying.

The workday she is over...now the work begins

This afternoon, I was hard at work when my boss came in from lunch. [And by hard at work, I mean I was doing a mock fantasy football draft on ESPN.Com]

I normally would be ashamed of having been caught redhanded in the act of billing client time while bidding on Adrian Peterson. However, in about 20 minutes, my actual fantasy draft begins.

The Good Lord knows that building/buying/drafting the killer fantasy team is so much more important than actually engaging in the productive practice of law. [Or properly billing the pain in the ass clients.]