The tool of the tool: The letter

I’ve noticed that many litigation attorneys do not like to have substantive discussions about anything if they are not in the presence of or physically present near a judge. These individuals do not like direct conversation or over the phone chit-chat. These people like screening their calls, using e-mail and the oft-maligned United States Postal Service (often in conjunction with a device known as a facsimile machine).

Now, after careful analysis, I realize that they fear delivering contrarian points of view outside of the controlled climes of the Courtroom. The people that follow the prose path to power rely on indirectly getting into arguments and directly avoiding any conflict:

How do you offer a settlement? E-mail a PDF File of a letter.

How do you set up a troublesome deposition? Fax a letter

How do you fire a client? Send a letter. Certified.

I am a litigation attorney which I believe means my very purpose is to jump into the mix and end up with a resolution for my client as quickly as possible. The pen-pal approach seems to take too much time and leads to prolonged nit-picking over mundane male cow dung.

To my various opposing counsel, don’t send me a letter. It just pisses me off. And nothing good happens for your client when I get pissed off.

When you have bad news to deliver, do the respectable, adult thing: have your paralegal call me.

Apparently, the appropriate Defendant would be God

Caller: I am looking for a lawyer to take my case.
Me: Why do you think you need a lawyer?
Caller: I just found out that I was born with one kidney.
Me: And?
Caller: I want to sue.

Lawyers do not reinvent the wheel. Maybe we should.

Option One: A Legalese Infused UCC Financing Statement

In the event of default, the loan is secured by the following collateral:

All personal property of the Debtor, including all of the following: All inventory, equipment, accounts (including but not limited to all health-care-insurance receivables), chattel paper, instruments (including but not limited to all promissory notes), letter-of-credit rights, documents, deposit accounts, investment property, money, other rights to payment and performance, and general intangibles (including but not limited to all software and all payment intangibles; all rights to merchandise and other goods (including rights to returned and repossessed goods and rights of stoppage in transit) which is represented by, arises from or relates to any of the foregoing, all personal property of the Grantor held by the Lender at any time hereafter transferred or delivered to or coming into the possession, custody or control of the Lender; all attachments, accessions, accessories, fittings, increases, tools, parts, repairs, supplies, and commingled goods relating to the foregoing property, and all additions, replacements of and substitutions for all or any part of the foregoing property; all insurance refunds relating to the foregoing property; all good will relating to the foregoing property; all records and data and embedded software relating to the foregoing property, and all equipment, inventory and software to utilize, create, maintain and process any such records and data on electronic media; and all supporting obligations relating to the foregoing property; all whether now existing or hereafter arising, whether now owned or hereafter acquired or whether now or hereafter subject to any rights in the foregoing property; and all products and proceeds (including but not limited to all insurance payments) of or relating to the foregoing property. All terms which are used in this agreement which are defined in the Uniform Commercial Code of the State of Illinois as in effect from time to time (“UCC”) shall have the same meanings herein as such terms are defined in the UCC, unless this agreement shall otherwise specifically provide.

Option Two: A Namby-Pamby Infused UCC Financing Statement

In the event of default, we take all yo’ shit.

It was Monday and I was feeling devious

It all started with a typical crazy person, potential client call:

Caller: I was wronged by the State and I need to sue.
Me: You are going to have to be a little more specific.
Caller: First off, this happened in Michigan…
Me: I’m sorry, we aren’t licensed to practice in the State of Michigan.
Caller: Do you know any Michigan lawyers?
Me: I don’t kn… (glances at my open gChat window…thinks that this would be a great practical joke potential client to refer one of my friends) …actually let me put you on hold and get you a number.

I put the guy on hold, Google my friend’s law firm and find his office phone number.

Me: “Talk to him only. He is top notch and he can definitely help you out”

As soon as I get off the phone, I send an e-mail to the unknowing recipient:

To: Law School Class Mate
From: Me
Subject: Referral
I just got a call in the office from some guy looking for a PI lawyer in Michigan. I don’t know anything about the case but I gave him your office number. Good luck my friend.

The response came quickly:

To: Me
From: Law School Class Mate
Subject: RE: Referral

You. Bastard.

This gentleman, just so you know, wants to sue the entire state of Michigan and everyone involved in the judicial system. He mumbled off something else as well. Oh, and, he lives somewhere up north. And, I mean like, north NORTH. Places where people are often seen wandering the deep woods in search of big foot north.

It must be Monday…

With a friend like me, who needs opposing counsel?

Letterhead should be truth in advertising

The amount of correspondence that comes in and goes out on a daily basis around here is usually at a high volume. With the give and take of written thoughts, I get to see a lot of firm letterhead come across my desk. I, for one, find the way each firm announces themselves to the letter’s recipient a fascinating analysis project (for the times when I am bored out of my mind).

My firm is simple: “Attorneys at Law” and others are just as effective: “Attorneys and Counselors at Law” and “Attorneys” to name a few obvious ones. Then, there are the add-ons: “A professional corporation” “Not a partnership” and “A partnership”

I think it would be a lot more effective if the firms and lawyers would stop trying to be professional and just engage in an effective communication strategy that indicates what that firm does. For example:

Biglaw, Biglaw and Biggerlaw LLP

Attorneys and lawyers that punish
with the highest grade and quantity of paper

Trendy Boutique Litigation Firm, Ltd.

Attorneys that shank a bitch

Hag and Spineless, A Professional Corporation

Two Named Partners, but only one wears the pants, and our opponents know it

One Partner, Lots of Associates Insurance Defense Group

Driving the ambulance just fast enough to piss off that PI attorney chasing it

If nothing else, it would make me laugh at 5 on a Friday while reading all these damn letters...

Personal Injury Litigation: A timeline of events for State and Federal Courts

State Court

Day 1: Initial Case Management Conference. Written discovery begins.
Day 60: Written discovery should be complete. If not, it’s ok. The judge will give you more time.
Day 120: Written discovery is complete, right? If not, the judge will be miffed but give you more time.
Day 150: Written discovery is done. [Most likely] You have party deposition dates, right?
Day 210: Your party depositions aren’t done? Fine. Tell the judge you have scheduling problems and get more time.
Day 240: Party depositions are done. Let’s come back in 30 days with the dates for treating physicians to give their depositions
Day 270: The dates aren’t set? Fine. Come back in 30 days. Get the dates set.
Day 300: The treating physicians dates are set. For the day before the next Court appearance.
Day 345: Turns out the treating physicians had to go to Cabo unannounced. Need to reschedule.
Day 400: Treating physicians are done. Let’s get a pre-trial settlement conference!
Day 460: Pre-Trial settlement conference happens. No settlement.
Day 475: Judge wants the expert depositions to go. Final. No if ands or buts.
Day 500: Expert depositions go. Finally. [We think.]
Day 540: Discovery is done. Let’s go to trial.

Federal Court

Day 1: Initial Case Management Conference.
Day 90: Discovery is done. Let’s go to trial.

Random things that have come to my attention this afternoon

1. Have you ever thought about taking the Tabasco from Chipotle? Yeah. I have. And it's a battle every time I get a meal "To Go" because I want the Tabasco for my desk.

2. I started reading a case about golf course law suits. I ended up browsing eBay for golf clubs. Vicious cycle that.

3. I drove by a car accident scene today as I was heading to court. I would be lying if I said I wasn't pondering the upside to tossing business cards out the window. I would further not be lying if I said what kept me from doing so was the firefighters still dousing the would-be Plaintiff's car. And I didn't want to get the business cards wet...

4. Is it a bad thing if you have the NyQuil Hangover if you haven't taken any NyQuil?

I am awesome. (Awesome is spelled i-d-i-o-t)

Medical Staffer: I just wanted to let you know that all of the medicals have been taken care of and there is no outstanding lien claims.
Me: That’s fantastic.
Medical Staffer: Would you like me to fax a confirmation over to you?
Me: I would greatly appreciate that. Let me know when you are ready for my fax number.
Medical Staffer: All set.
Me: My fax is 312-555-2222
Medical Staffer: (Pause) Isn’t that your phone number?
Me: (Longer pause) No it isn’t. (Pause part two) Yes it is.
Medical Staffer: [Laughing out loud]
Me: I feel like an idiot now.
Medical Staffer: [Still laughing]
Me: The fax number is 312-555-1111
Medical Staffer: Could you repeat that, I couldn’t hear you over my laughter

This could be my finest moment as a lawyer.

Mike Vick gChat: Whereupon Political Correctness Flies Out the Window

Friend: On another note, I haven't the foggiest idea what the Iggles are thinking.
Me: I love it
Me: Totally mess up the team chemistry
Friend: Didn't they learn their lesson with TO?
Me: Obviously. Not.
Friend: Just insane.
Friend: What's their upside -- over time he develops into a vaguely competent slot receiver?
Friend: Which he has never done?
Me: Maybe he was the receiver in prison
Friend: Nice!
Friend: Because while anal rape is normally a tragedy, if it happens to someone who was convicted of a crime, it becomes hilarity.

I'm so happy that football is back.

Epic Client Fail

I wrote about a particular client several months ago. Specifically, I posted a string of telephone conversations that I had with this person. Liability isn't much of an issue. However, it is just not worth a lot of money and no matter what yours truly does, I just can't mess it up and there aren't really any injuries.

The client, on the other hand, has always maintained that this is a case worth hundreds. of thousands. of dollars.

Now, we've received a letter that indicates that a) further action may be a problem and b) the client already thinks that we have settled the case:



I love my job.

The morning emotions

Stress: This week has started off like a NASCAR race. On a wet track. And some asshole has just wrecked a minute distance in front of me. Dodging the cars, the flying body parts and all of the other chaos has been a wee bit taxing so far. Without fail, I woke up this morning around 4:30 with the cold sweat and the fear that I blew a deadline for a motion response. Only to realize that the deadline is over three weeks away. Crazy 1, Sanity 0

Shame: I was in the throes of my morning constitutional. At which point, another attorney from my office entered into the bathroom and immediately started talking to me. And then started talking about my morning constitutional. Shame, oh shame.

Fear: A former secretary has swung by the office. I think she is pregnant. I want to congratulate her. But, my track record with these sorts of things lead me to believe that she has just experienced unintended weight gain.

Embarrassment: One of my clients called. He started detailing what the doctor was saying regarding his recovering. I promptly cut him off and started spewing the course of action that he needed to do regarding his future medical treatment. About 45 seconds into my spiel, the client cut me off and admitted that he was quite confused as he had no idea what I was talking about. I spent the next several seconds in silence trying to figure out what had just happened. Then I realized it: “I am so sorry, but I have just confused your file with one of my other clients…my brain has yet to kick in today.”

Nausea: Turns out that the former secretary is pregnant. She has spent the last 25 minutes detailing the trials and tribulations of pregnancy to several of the female attorneys and staff (and “fortunately” for me, within earshot of my office). The leading topic of conversation: vomit. I never knew that anyone could talk about vomit for such an extended period of time.

Just the tip

I have spent the better part of today getting ready for an upcoming trial. For me, this process begins by taking an unruly file and thinning out the duplication in it and pitching the worthless crap out of it. (Seriously, I do not need fax cover sheets from four years ago). Every time I have a trial or major court hearing, this is the process that I start with.

I do not know what it is, but by doing this, I can spread the entire file out on my office floor, and just survey the carnage. I can see the time I forgot that the case was up for a court status and it got dismissed because I missed the call or when I got the Defendant to admit a damning fact during the deposition. It’s a mindless process, but for me, it reestablishes my connection with the case and allows the heavy lifting to become a lot easier. Earlier today, I could not walk/hop/jump/run/skip away from my desk without stepping on paperwork from this file.

There is a problem with this method: I usually end up with at least one really bad papercut. Let it be known, that I cannot read a deposition transcript while blindly shove my hand into a redwell full of paper. I now have a large papercut on the tip of my middle finger. It hurts. And it bled.

Maybe the strategy here is not to get organized before trial, but to bleed over the important documents so as to strike fear in the opposition. At least, this is what I’m going to tell my boss when he asks about the blood on the deposition transcript.

Thus far, this has been the only excitement for the day

It was 9:26 in the morning and there I was, sitting at my desk, surfing the internet and sipping my morning coffee. Today was going to be a light day of action. Just a day of office drivel. If I was really lucky, I was going to take a long lunch and maybe, just maybe, leave the joint early for the day.

Then the phone rings.

On the other end is a solo practitioner that our firm does work with every now and then. He sounds panicked: “Uh…Namby…I..uhh…forgot a court date and I was supposed to have a pre-trial memo before the judge this morning…”

Ok?

“Yeah…so…I’m out in the boonies and won’t be able to make it into the city for the case management conference…and I haven’t done the pre-trial memo…would you go cover my ass with the Judge?” It’s now 9:28 a.m. “Sure” I respond as I think to myself, it’s not like I have anything better than ESPNChicago.com going on right now. “What time is the call?” [File this as things not to ask at 9:29 in the morning]

The answer: 9:30a.m.

Well. I wasn’t like I did have anything going on. I grab my coat (after realizing that I cannot get a tie on while running) and sprint the entire way to the Daley Center. I catch the first elevator up and as I rocket skyward, I realize that I am dripping with sweat. I get off on the appropriate floor and continue the run towards the Courtroom. I quickly scan the callsheet. Nothing. I check my notes (while sweat drips onto my legal pad…total hawtness I know). I rescan. Still nothing.

I take a deep breath, stride into the Courtroom and step up to the Clerk (while praying that the Judge doesn’t see what a hot mess I am). After conferring with the Clerk, it is determined that the case wasn’t up for another two weeks. I about face and walk out of the Courtroom. Call the lawyer. Tell him he’s an idiot. And I saunter back home.

All this hustle and by 9:56, I’m back at the office. Surfing the internet.

We interrupt this communications blackout to bring you this message from our sponsor

I apologize for the silence here for the past few days, but it has been nearly unavoidable. As I mentioned previously, our firm has changed office spaces. This has been sheer hell, chaos & fun. Or something like that.

Today is the first day in the new digs and the kinks have yet to be worked out. For instance, my message light won’t stop flashing on my phone. I’ve checked my voicemail about 2700 times since 8:30 this morning and each time, even after deleting the messages, it still flashes. I’m about to toss the phone off the desk.

In addition:

• My new file cabinet only lets me open one drawer at a time. I keep forgetting this because the old one didn’t. And I just end up kicking and pounding on the damn thing to open. People keep wondering what all the noise is about
• We don’t have a working fax machine on the floor. But we have teams of technical people attempting to set them up.
• The shiny new T1 line that was supposed to be up and running? Not so much. Stealing internet is so hot right now.

Anyway, I can hope that in the next few hours, the kinks will ease and life will return to normal. As for me, my pre-move preparation has pretty much allowed me to not skip a beat with my workload.*

[*Just in case you were wondering, this is me bragging right now. Everyone else is still running around here with a depraved look in their eyes, fear in their heart and their smartphone permanently out to check their schedules.]