A caller gets the Trifecta: Klutz of the year, Prospective Mother of the Year, and All-Around Person of the Year

Caller: I slipped and fell while I was on the sidewalk.
Me: Ok, what happened?
Caller: The sidewalk was cracked.
Me: Well that doesn’t really…
Caller: Then I slipped again when I walking home from doing laundry…
Me: Ma’am…
Caller: And I slipped when I got off the bus...
Me: I’m sor…
Caller: I tripped when I was at the Metra station.
Me: What did you tri…
Caller: I fell while walking with my shopping cart going home…
Me: [Pause to regain my composure] You’ve fallen quite a lot haven’t you?
Caller: Yes, I have. Then I fell while I was pregnant.
Me: Was your baby affected by the fall?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: What do you mean?
Caller: I never gave birth.
Me: Was this a result of the fall?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: You said you were pregnant.
Caller: The doctors said I was never pregnant.
Me: So you weren’t pregnant when you fell.
Caller: No, I was.

Clarifying my actions

I did not, I repeat did not, hit myself in the face with a partially assembled Banker's Box.

And I surely did not give myself a papercut on my nose.

These things never happened.

I have one less worry in life

My firm is moving to a new office space. It’s a wicked pain in the ass. A suite of lawyers moving is like a Chinese Firedrill, on steroids, while skydiving without a parachute.

Needless to say, I’ve been padding my court schedule with a two-week buffer on either side of this move to deal with this chaos: “Your Honor, I recognize that a trained monkey could poop out a satisfactory response to their motion, but due to the fact that my firm is moving, we need at least 90 days to respond…” And each time, I’ve gotten the time I’ve asked for.

The practical effect is that I now have time to “pack” my office. By packing, I mean taking a stash of Banker’s Boxes and throwing as much crap as I can into them. It may not be the most space efficient process, but I assure you that it is stress relieving.

In the process, I’ve discovered that hidden in my desk was the United States Strategic Staple Reserve (USSSR for short, comrade). I use one 200 strip of staples every six to eight weeks. If I keep this usage pattern up, I will never get through the first box before I die.

I never knew I needed six hundred thousand staples…but I might.

There comes a point in time where subtle insults give way to direct mockery

Caller: My kid busted his eye open at school and I want to know how much money he is entitled to.
Me: Well, how did he hurt himself?
Caller: What do you mean?
Me: His eye didn’t bust open by itself did it?
Caller: I don’t know how he did it. But it happened at school!
Me: I understand that, but what was he doing to hurt himself?
Caller: It was a garbage can.
Me: Now we are getting somewhere. How did your son hurt himself on the garbage can?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: You need to talk to your son to find out what happened.
Caller: I’m telling you it happened at school!
Me: That’s a great start, but did the garbage can jump up and hit your son?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: Let’s assume that there were no magical garbage cans were present at your son’s school that day, what was he doing when he got hurt by the garbage can?
Caller: He was running around.
Me: That’s great. But you haven't told me anything that makes you have a case.
Caller: What do you mean? It happened at SCHOOL!
Me: Just because your son is a klutz doesn’t mean you get paid.

I get amazed at how often the idiocy repeats itself. I never get tired of laughing at it. Hopefully you still find this sort of things amusing. Now, if you'll excuse me, my phone is ringing again...

Namby CLE: Discussions on a new civil defense

2:26:52 PM

Defense Counsel: Our affirmative defense: Plaintiff was walking at the aforesaid property carrying, among other things, a large bag, a large beverage commonly known as a “Big Gulp”, and two newspapers.
2:27:10 PM

Me: how is that affirmative
Me: and/or a defense?
Me: or

Me: is this a derivative of the Chewbacca Defense?
2:29:36 PM

Defense Counsel: Plaintiff was not in exercise of due care for herself
2:29:55 PM

Me: clearly she was
Me: she was hydrating appropriately
Me: while exercising her upper body
2:31:54 PM

Defense Counsel: I'm calling it the Big Gulp Defense

It's like John Madden breaking down a football play, only coherent and sarcastic

I had to get a good call to start the week off right:

Caller: I have a big malpractice case and I need a lawyer for it
Translation: Something happened that I don’t understand. And I want to be paid.

Me: Tell me what happened.
Translation: I am betting that this is going to be a huge waste of my time. But just in case you say something that isn’t entirely stupid I may listen to your ranting and raving.

Caller: It’s like this, my father fell at home. He broke a lot of bones in his body and he was really hurt. Then he got sick. He was in a lot of pain but he could talk! People in that much pain shouldn’t be able to talk. The doctor must have doing something wrong.
Translation: I’m using my education in internal and diagnostic medicine that I received after eating too much paste as a child to explain how a doctor screwed up.

Me: And what exactly did the Doctor ‘do’ wrong?
Translation: You are an idiot.

Caller: I don’t know. Something must have gone wrong because my father died! He got sick and he died. The doctor messed up. My father shouldn’t have been able to talk!
Translation: I’m an idiot. Please pay me lots of money.

Me: [Sighs...]
Translation: What a waste of time. I’m glad I was able to multitask reading the latest from Bitter Lawyer and Courtoons.

Caller: I think we got a pretty solid case here against the doctor. I want you to be my lawyer.
Translation: Using my education in law that I received while eating paint chips as a child, I have determined that someone has to pay me.

Me: I want to thank you for giving me a call, but we will be taking a pass on your case. If you wish to pursue this matter, I recommend that you talk to another lawyer.
Translation: Please oh please waste another lawyers time.

Legal Practice Tips: Dealing with the perpetually angry Judge

Litigation attorneys that practice in Cook County know of this judge. This particular judge has a reputation for being an eater of dignity, pride and souls. This judge is quite particular and if you do not follow this Court’s procedure, you will find yourself a) yelled at b) have your intelligence mocked and c) find yourself with a Court date the following morning at an hour before the coffee has kicked in. It can be as pleasant as a root canal. Performed with a stapler.

I’ve never had a problem in this Courtroom but I have been scared to death sitting there watching the carnage. This is one of those things where I don’t want to tempt fate. Because I do not want to experience the business end of the Court’s anger.

I walk and I grab a seat in the Jury box in front of another attorney who happens to have his young son with him. As is my habit, I start up a conversation:

Me: I see you are indoctrinating him young into his future profession
Attorney: Absolutely.
Me: Maybe this will lead to a calmer, softer Judge today?
Attorney: I doubt it. But I let him know to expect a lot of yelling. [To his son] Now, if the Judge talks to you, what do you say? [Looks at his son] Yes, Your Honor?
Me: [To the kid] “Sup Holmes?” is also completely acceptable.
Attorney: If it wasn’t my son, I would be interested to see how that would go over.

The Judge storms in and begins the call where one attorney really tried to bring the Judge’s wrath on his opponent: “Judge dooya remember how angry opposing counsel made you the last time we were here?” No response and then again: “Judge, you screamed at opposing counsel the last time! Do you remember that? He is doing the same thing today!” Nothing. “He made you mad, Judge!” Finally the Judge coolly responds “Sir, not a day goes by that I do not yell and scream at a lawyer. Each day I get furious. I can’t remember each attorney that I get mad at.” I have to give credit tiring to kick the sleeping bear and point the finger at your opponent.

Then, this particular scene is over. The call moves on. And the lawyer whose child is sitting behind me is called.

Judge: What a minute…is that a young one I see behind you?
Attorney: Yes, he is my young paralegal…actually he is my son.

And like that, the Judge smiled (something I have never seen before. Or ever heard of happening. Ever).

During his father’s call, the Judge kept looking at the young son and smiling. This case finished and the Judge pulled another fast one on those assembled before the bench:

Judge: [To the kid] Why don’t you come up here and stand next to me and see how things look. Come be a Judge with me.
The Kid: [Stands up, takes two steps, stops, and immediately has the deer in headlight look on his face]
Judge: [To the attorney] You’ve told him about me, haven’t you?
Attorney: I said nothing Your Honor. That I’d admit to.
Judge: Well, if he wants to come up here with me, he is more than welcome.

The Judge smiles once more at the child as the frightened child returns to his father. The Judge returns to the call. And is pleasant for the remainder of the Court call.

I've decided that the next time I am before this Judge, I am renting and/or stealing a child to have with me in the Courtroom.

In the event that this was a real disaster, please schedule me a deposition in the suburbs…and run screaming from the building

The powers that operate the skyscraper my office is in just let us know that we can expect a disaster drill to occur shortly. They won’t provide the precise time, but they gave us a general range of when to expect the unorganized chaos that is sure to occur to actually occur.

I was here last year when this happened. But I didn’t get the warning. Nor did I care to leave. One of my partners and I just continued to chug through our various tasks that day while the alarm klaxons were sounding: “Was impending death about to snatch us from this life and into the next? Who cares! We have discovery to finish!!!” [This may have led to a mental image of firefighters pulling my charred body from the remains while cradling a stack of privileged documents…]

Thus, this is what we have to look forward in the next week. The issue for me is it is the only day that I have no court, no depositions, no meetings…I have nothing but a day for office work planned. Knowing that I will likely be here for this fun festival is not exactly something I consider to be happy news. I like getting to my office, doing as much work as possible during my usual office hours, and then making a beeline for the nearest alcohol provider, golf course or warm bed. I’ve asked my supervising partner if there is any way that I can be out of the office during the time. He responded with its just one of those things that we have to accept. And wear earplugs.

I’m spending the remainder of the day to find out if there is a wall, with paint drying, that is available for a deposition. Though, it is looking like I will be forced to grin and bear it as all of the secretaries, paralegals and clerks dutifully evacuate the premises.

I Provide Competent, Cogent and Coherent Representation

First Take:

Judge: Namby, step up.
Me: Judge, the opposing ahhh….ummm...what am I trying to say here? Yeah...
Judge: Yes?
Me: Right…yes. The opposing counsel.
Judge: What about him?
Me: He is outside. Sorry your honor…brain isn’t working yet today.

Second Take, different judge

Me: Judge, I believe the reason that discovery has yet to close is that there are depositions that have yet to be taken.
Judge: Why not?
Defense counsel: Because they are in Arizona.
Judge: Arizona? That is civilization is it not? They have airports? There is no swine flu in Arizona. You go to Arizona.
Me: Your Honor, there may be no swine flu but the Defense counsel could be wary of the awful dry heat.
Judge: Take the deposition by telephone then. No swine flu. No heat. No problem.

Third Take is the charm

Me: Your Honor, as you can see the Plaintiff clearly has… [at this point my brief and my notes slides off the lectern]

Fourth Time Gets it Done?

Judge: Counsel, do you have your pre-trial memorandum?
Me: Unfortunately, I do not have the pre-trial…I do not have the pre-trial [gesturing frantically trying to gesticulate the words out of my mouth]…
Judge: [Pronouncing each of the syllables] Pre-Trial Memorandum.
Me: Right. I don’t have that or the ability to talk coherently in front of you.

I give you proof that they shouldn't let me draft legislation

Section 101: Title. The title of this act is “The Pedestrian Commuter Protection Act”

Section 102: Alternate Title. This act may also be referred to as “Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way”

Section 103: Legislative Findings. The author of this bill is acutely aware that there are two types of people that populate the city streets during the Monday to Friday morning hours. Type One are the people that are attempting to get to their place of work in an expeditious manner. Type Two is every other asshole on the sidewalk. The legislature is taking note that the Type One people are subject to stress and injury due to the carelessness, obnoxiousness and oblivious behavior of the Type Two People and therefore are deserving of statutory protection and benefit.

Section 104: Prohibited Conduct. A Type Two person engaging in any of the following conduct will have been deemed to have violated this Act and be subject to Sections 105 and 106 of the Act.

Section 104(a) Reduced Ground Speed Internet Communication. Use of a Blackberry device to engage in the reading and/or composing of e-mail while walking at a reduced speed on a sidewalk without regard to the other persons in the same general area is prohibited. Use of a Blackberry device to telephonically communicate with others is prohibited if (1) the user slows to a snail pace while on a crowded sidewalk and/or (2) the user, in holding said Blackberry to his/her ear, sticks his/her elbow out away from the body enough to catch a passerby in the head/face/body.

Section 104(b) Non-Deployed Umbrella Gouging. The carrying and transport of a large unopened golf umbrella in the reverse direction such that the pointy end sticks out from behind shall be prohibited if the carrier is oblivious to the fact that with each step that he/she sticks out said umbrella in the opposite direction causing the fellow pedestrian commuters to take immediate evasive action to avoid non-consensual and violent penetration of sensitive nether regions of the male/female body.

Section 104(c) Unintentional Lit Cigarette Battery to Clothing and/or Person. Any person holding a lit cigarette below their waist while walking in populated pedestrian areas with more than one person will have violated the act. Any person whose lit cigarette that is held below the waist and it comes in contact with the clothes and/or skin of another, shall have been deemed to have committed an aggravated offense under this act.

Section 105: Penalties. Any individual who has violated Section 104 of the Act through conduct described in subsections (a) through (c) for the first time is subject to immediate removal of the limb that has caused the violation of the act. The limb removal shall be performed by members currently incarcerated by the Department of Corrections and the removal shall not be done in accordance with any prevailing medical standards and/or with anesthesia. The preferred tool for limb removal will be a rusty fork. If no rusty forks are available, the removal ‘expert’ shall use whatever manner he/she deems best for causing the most lasting harm. Any individual who violates the act for a second time and/or in an aggravated manner shall be subject to listening to Clay Aiken singing for a prolonged period of time.

Section 106: Private Right of Action. Any Type One person who is the victim of prohibited conduct may, without hesitation, punch, kick, push, and/or stab the offending party. The Department of Health and Human Services will award style points if the offending individual is shoved into oncoming traffic and is hit by a speeding vehicle. If a Type One person accumulates enough style points, the Department of Health and Human Services shall award that individual with a plaque stating his or her accomplishment.

Section 107: Immunity. Type One persons that avail themselves of the private right of action shall be immune from criminal and/or civil liability. In addition, if the Type One persons act in a manner that should cause the death or grievous bodily injury to an offending Type Two person, the Department of the Treasury will award the Type One person in an amount not less than $5,000.

Section 108: Constitutionality. If any Civil Liberties groups have a problem with this act, they can move to Canada, Eh?

Hurdling myself towards a verdict

I have a trial tomorrow and I am going through my last minute preparation:

1) Review Motions in Limine [Check]

2) Organize trial materials and exhibits [Check]

3) Learn client's name [Whoiswhatitz?]

Everything that guy just said is bullshit...Thank you.

I exude my profession?

It's 2:15p.m. on July 5th and I am leaving a party. I am wearing blue jeans and a blue polo. Said polo is adorned with a large orange food stain smack dab in the middle of the shirt. I get on an elevator with a middle aged woman and the small talk begins:

Me: Happy Fourth of July.

Woman: Same to you. It's been a great holiday weekend, hasn't it?

Me: Absolutely. Unfortunately, now I have to stop by the office.

Woman: You're a lawyer aren't you?

I guess I give off the 'Ambulance Chaser' vibe even after not touching my laptop (or any work for that matter) for 72 hours.

Bad to Bad to Bad

Bad Night: Getting blackout drunk on a Wednesday.

Really Bad Night: Being too drunk to go home, so, you get the great idea to crash at the office.

Things go from Really Bad to Even Worse: One is so drunk that he wanders into an office adjacent to his own and disrobes to his boxers.

Ugh: Then this one gets the great idea to sleep on the couch. Of the office reception area.

Good, Good Morning: Having an attorney and clerk walk past your passed out partially clothed form and not notice.

Bad, Bad Morning: Having said attorney and clerk find the clothes strewn over said adjacent office.

Really Bad Morning: Having the office receptionist wake you up and send you back to your office to get dressed.