Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I give you proof that they shouldn't let me draft legislation

Section 101: Title. The title of this act is “The Pedestrian Commuter Protection Act”

Section 102: Alternate Title. This act may also be referred to as “Move Bitch, Get Out Da Way”

Section 103: Legislative Findings. The author of this bill is acutely aware that there are two types of people that populate the city streets during the Monday to Friday morning hours. Type One are the people that are attempting to get to their place of work in an expeditious manner. Type Two is every other asshole on the sidewalk. The legislature is taking note that the Type One people are subject to stress and injury due to the carelessness, obnoxiousness and oblivious behavior of the Type Two People and therefore are deserving of statutory protection and benefit.

Section 104: Prohibited Conduct. A Type Two person engaging in any of the following conduct will have been deemed to have violated this Act and be subject to Sections 105 and 106 of the Act.

Section 104(a) Reduced Ground Speed Internet Communication. Use of a Blackberry device to engage in the reading and/or composing of e-mail while walking at a reduced speed on a sidewalk without regard to the other persons in the same general area is prohibited. Use of a Blackberry device to telephonically communicate with others is prohibited if (1) the user slows to a snail pace while on a crowded sidewalk and/or (2) the user, in holding said Blackberry to his/her ear, sticks his/her elbow out away from the body enough to catch a passerby in the head/face/body.

Section 104(b) Non-Deployed Umbrella Gouging. The carrying and transport of a large unopened golf umbrella in the reverse direction such that the pointy end sticks out from behind shall be prohibited if the carrier is oblivious to the fact that with each step that he/she sticks out said umbrella in the opposite direction causing the fellow pedestrian commuters to take immediate evasive action to avoid non-consensual and violent penetration of sensitive nether regions of the male/female body.

Section 104(c) Unintentional Lit Cigarette Battery to Clothing and/or Person. Any person holding a lit cigarette below their waist while walking in populated pedestrian areas with more than one person will have violated the act. Any person whose lit cigarette that is held below the waist and it comes in contact with the clothes and/or skin of another, shall have been deemed to have committed an aggravated offense under this act.

Section 105: Penalties. Any individual who has violated Section 104 of the Act through conduct described in subsections (a) through (c) for the first time is subject to immediate removal of the limb that has caused the violation of the act. The limb removal shall be performed by members currently incarcerated by the Department of Corrections and the removal shall not be done in accordance with any prevailing medical standards and/or with anesthesia. The preferred tool for limb removal will be a rusty fork. If no rusty forks are available, the removal ‘expert’ shall use whatever manner he/she deems best for causing the most lasting harm. Any individual who violates the act for a second time and/or in an aggravated manner shall be subject to listening to Clay Aiken singing for a prolonged period of time.

Section 106: Private Right of Action. Any Type One person who is the victim of prohibited conduct may, without hesitation, punch, kick, push, and/or stab the offending party. The Department of Health and Human Services will award style points if the offending individual is shoved into oncoming traffic and is hit by a speeding vehicle. If a Type One person accumulates enough style points, the Department of Health and Human Services shall award that individual with a plaque stating his or her accomplishment.

Section 107: Immunity. Type One persons that avail themselves of the private right of action shall be immune from criminal and/or civil liability. In addition, if the Type One persons act in a manner that should cause the death or grievous bodily injury to an offending Type Two person, the Department of the Treasury will award the Type One person in an amount not less than $5,000.

Section 108: Constitutionality. If any Civil Liberties groups have a problem with this act, they can move to Canada, Eh?