Friday, July 10, 2009

I Provide Competent, Cogent and Coherent Representation

First Take:

Judge: Namby, step up.
Me: Judge, the opposing ahhh….ummm...what am I trying to say here? Yeah...
Judge: Yes?
Me: Right…yes. The opposing counsel.
Judge: What about him?
Me: He is outside. Sorry your honor…brain isn’t working yet today.
Second Take, different judge
Me: Judge, I believe the reason that discovery has yet to close is that there are depositions that have yet to be taken.
Judge: Why not?
Defense counsel: Because they are in Arizona.
Judge: Arizona? That is civilization is it not? They have airports? There is no swine flu in Arizona. You go to Arizona.
Me: Your Honor, there may be no swine flu but the Defense counsel could be wary of the awful dry heat.
Judge: Take the deposition by telephone then. No swine flu. No heat. No problem.
Third Take is the charm
Me: Your Honor, as you can see the Plaintiff clearly has… [at this point my brief and my notes slides off the lectern]
Fourth Time Gets it Done?
Judge: Counsel, do you have your pre-trial memorandum?
Me: Unfortunately, I do not have the pre-trial…I do not have the pre-trial [gesturing frantically trying to gesticulate the words out of my mouth]…
Judge: [Pronouncing each of the syllables] Pre-Trial Memorandum.
Me: Right. I don’t have that or the ability to talk coherently in front of you.