Monday, July 20, 2009

It's like John Madden breaking down a football play, only coherent and sarcastic

I had to get a good call to start the week off right:

Caller: I have a big malpractice case and I need a lawyer for it
Translation: Something happened that I don’t understand. And I want to be paid.

Me: Tell me what happened.
Translation: I am betting that this is going to be a huge waste of my time. But just in case you say something that isn’t entirely stupid I may listen to your ranting and raving.

Caller: It’s like this, my father fell at home. He broke a lot of bones in his body and he was really hurt. Then he got sick. He was in a lot of pain but he could talk! People in that much pain shouldn’t be able to talk. The doctor must have doing something wrong.
Translation: I’m using my education in internal and diagnostic medicine that I received after eating too much paste as a child to explain how a doctor screwed up.

Me: And what exactly did the Doctor ‘do’ wrong?
Translation: You are an idiot.

Caller: I don’t know. Something must have gone wrong because my father died! He got sick and he died. The doctor messed up. My father shouldn’t have been able to talk!
Translation: I’m an idiot. Please pay me lots of money.

Me: [Sighs...]
Translation: What a waste of time. I’m glad I was able to multitask reading the latest from Bitter Lawyer and Courtoons.

Caller: I think we got a pretty solid case here against the doctor. I want you to be my lawyer.
Translation: Using my education in law that I received while eating paint chips as a child, I have determined that someone has to pay me.

Me: I want to thank you for giving me a call, but we will be taking a pass on your case. If you wish to pursue this matter, I recommend that you talk to another lawyer.
Translation: Please oh please waste another lawyers time.