Friday's Ethical Dilemma

If a morbidly obese individual is standing on the train behind you, wearing an ill-fitting suit that is buttoned and looks as if it may be painted on his skin, is it socially acceptable to ask him if 'he has troubles with the flop sweat?'

It's not that I can't hit a curveball, I just can't hit a curveball that plunks me between the eyes

I have this opposing counsel that flusters me and there is no good reason why it happens. She’s a senior partner at a defense firm that I have never seen smile. She is politely terse. And she looks like what I envision Merryl Streep would look like if she lost 30 pounds. She is the definition of serious.

The last experience I had with her was taking a doctor’s deposition and I left the room with the feeling that she was going to fight this case to the bitter, bitter end. Today, we had our case up for status and as we were about to go before the judge she and I briefly talk:

Me: You want 30 days to finish the expert deps?
Attorney: No. I just need one thing from you and we are ready to meet your settlement demand.
Me: Excuse me? [The judge calls our case and we approach]
Judge: Case number?
Me: Namby Pamby on behalf of the Plaintiff, Adam Jones.
Judge: Case number?
Me: Adam Jones, Plaintiff
Judge: Counsel, what is the case number?
Me: Right. Um.

It was a good thing that a) opposing counsel was there to tell the judge everything because I was a bumbling loss for words and that b) we were the first case called and the packed courtroom was watching.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance

Hello, you’ve reached the desk of The Namby Pamby and your call is important to him. However, before your call is connected, please listen to this entire message as the terms and conditions have changed in order for this conversation to begin. Currently, the desk to which you are about to be put through is likely covered in paper work and lunch belonging to the individual you are attempting to speak with. As such, he has a great aversion to taking a call that may result in projectile vomit covering his lunch, paperwork and/or laptop computer.

Please be advised that he does not wish to hear about your teeth falling out while you are in church or how your entire foot has been covered in blisters that have recently popped with the puss leaking like a spigot all over the floor. He does not wish to know anything about conditions that you may have that effect your eyes, mouth, ears, stomach, genitals or that may involved open sores and puss.

If you are currently in prison, hang up and don’t call back. Ever. If you are hurt and haven’t gone to the doctor, go to the doctor and you’re an idiot. If you are trying to sue the police for being shot after you pointed a gun at them, please stay on the line so that he can get a damn good laugh at your expense.

Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. Have a nice day.

Why buy a book on new tactics when the old ones work just fine?

Salesman: I’ve got this new title you might be interested in, since you deal with Plaintiff’s personal injury, it’s on how to deal with dishonest defense doctors.
Me: Does your book come with a 9mm pistol and a loaded magazine?
Salesman: No it does not...it comes with tips and tactics on how to deal with unscrupulous defense doctors.
Me: Is your book heavy?
Salesman: Uh. Yes. Why?
Me: Since you aren’t offering the handgun, I thought it might work if I threw it at one of these doctors.

The 1L flashbacks have stopped for now

Outside of a brief court appearance on Thursday and Friday (while stalking stopping to see Grace in her courtroom), I've been living and breathing this brief while at work. I've gotten a hefty number of billables tallied on this project but I honestly feel as if I am back in Legal Writing. Quite simply, this whole Supreme Court thing is like having an assignment that I have no idea if I am doing it right on an area of law I don't fully understand.

It's a super feeling not knowing if what you are doing is correct. And by super, I mean I hate it.

Anyway, I got what I needed to get done done yesterday. Now, I am going to use my Saturday to stay inside, play with the dog, and park myself on the couch. Because come 7:30 Monday Morning, the fun starts all over again.

--
Update: I decided that my couch time needed to be enhanced by a prudent, fiscally responsible action: buying a Playstation 3 Blu-Ray DVD Player.

Starbucks gallows humor

Barista: You want a forth shot of espresso free?
Me: Sure! The late morning pickmeup!
Barista: That’s the spirit.
Me: Can’t have enough espresso. I’ll be saying that until my heart explodes.
Barista: At least you’ll be awake when that happens.

Criminal attorneys have all the fun

Alleged Lady: I am interviewing a skinhead today.
Me: You should bring him an Obama button.
Alleged Lady: I should.

This is what happens when I attempt to focus on a Court holiday…

I'm working on a brief for the Illinois Supreme Court and my argument has hit a slap happy snag: “In ruling as it did, the trial court demonstrated the unique ability to give idiots a bad name, thankfully, the appellate court properly reversed boy genius. Thus, the ruling Appellate Court should be affirmed.”

Persuasive and snarky... It's a good day's work

This is what goes through my head before my first trip to Starbucks

Whenever I start drafting a complaint on the morning train into the city, I wonder if am ever going to be sitting next to someone that I am about to sue.

I also wonder what that conversation would be like after that person read my computer screen. 

The Thursday Five

1.  Cold coffee is bad. A luke-warm latte is worse. Four hot shots of straight espresso is the best.

2.  How I get what I want from Plaintiff’s attorneys: Use a smile, professional courtesy and have a client that will pay for multiple summary judgment motions.

3.  I have one client who is walking away from a case because he doesn’t want the money and I have one client that is ready to spend five figures to recover four figures.  Ugh.

4.  There is an epidemic that has been going on at my office for far too long. Apparently, some attorneys never learned to flush the toilet.  I guess they were sick that day in law school.

5.  While on the phone with Wasilla, Alaska this afternoon, I say that I am from Chicago.  The first question from the other end of the phone, “You’re from Chicago, eh? Do you know Barack Obama?” My response: “You realize the first question I wanted to ask you was 'do you know Sarah Palin'?”

Two links and then a morning commute rant.

Link #1: I went to go see He’s Just Not That Into You with Artful and The Alleged Lady last night. It was an entertaining movie (the sidebar does says I am a closet chick flick fan…) and Artful has an exquisite review with anecdotes about my addiction to my iPhone and stuff posted here.

Link #2: For those of you looking for something completely different (or shall I say ‘serious’) from yours truly, I posted over at the advice blog Wish I Would I Had Known an e-mail I wrote to a new lawyer on their first day. I know that site is supposed to ‘be for law students’ and ‘all about law school’ but I am all about broadening the horizons and shameless promotion.  And maybe you newbies out there will find it useful.  Ok, serious time over and now shutting up.

Rant: It is ghastly apparent that most people in the city do not understand how to walk to work with an umbrella when it is raining. I got hit in the face twice and in the hands once by people meandering with umbrellas on the 5 block walk to work. They were totally oblivious with their damnable golf umbrellas. I believe it should be perfectly acceptable to push these people into the wall. And then sing a little Rihanna at them.

How could clients get the idea that their lawyer doesn’t care about them?

It’s 60 or so degrees outside. It’s glorious. Or so I’ve heard. The fact that I have not left the office since I got here 5 hours ago is not what I am writing about today. Nor the fact that today’s ‘must complete’ list has ballooned to over 20 items. This self-deprecating post surrounds one of my bigger cases.

Over the past several months I’ve met with the client multiple times, taken all of the depositions, drafted all of the motions, and genuinely worked hard for this client. Today’s discovery happened as I was finalizing the settlement. It turns out that in every document that I have drafted, filed, mailed or sent to anyone involved in the case, including the client, I have spelled both the client’s first and last names incorrectly.

I can’t really defend myself here, although it isn’t like his name is John Smith, but I figure that I can at least laugh at myself. Then apologize to the client.

Attempting to appear less flamboyant in front of the boss

Normal Starbucks order: "Triple Grande Non-Fat No Foam Latte."

When the boss offers to bring Starbucks my order is: "Latte."

These posts do, in fact, write themselves

Client: What’s your e-mail address?
Me: npamby@myfirm.com
Client: I wasn’t ready
Me: npamby. At. Myfirm, that’s all one word Dot Com.
Client: M?
Me: N as in Namby.
Client: N. P. A… what’s the rest?
Me: M. B. Y.
Client: Ok.
Me: Ampersand, you know the At sign?
Client: At.
Me: MYFIRM
Client: All one word?
Me: All one word.
Client: m.y.f.i.m.
Me: No, it’s Myfirm. M.Y.F.I.R.M Dot Com
Client: Dot what?
Me: Dot Com
Client: Oh…I didn’t have that when I was sending you an e-mail
Me: Have what?
Client: The Dot Com.
Me: You definitely need that
Client: npamby@myfirm, right?
Me: You can just use the regular mail if you want to.
--

Update: I'm glad to see that the client was not the only genius involved in this call. Ampersand...at sign...same-same. or not.

First Rule of Firm Life: Blame the Associate

Two partners and I were standing around the fax machine when a muy importante fax started to come in. And then it stops halfway through saying that the paper is of the incorrect size. This genius piece of equipment does this when it is feeling moody: 10 pages into a fax and bam…wrong paper size…I hate when technology eats a contract.

Being the technically savvy one of the three I attempt to remedy the situation. No luck. I attempt to find a secretary. Out to lunch. I launch a repeat attempt to remedy the error message. Same result. Then I swear at the machine [that has to work, right?]

Partner: Calm down, no need to get angry
Me: The thing is a piece of junk
Partner: Like I said, no need to attack the poor machine.
Me: Pot, Kettle, Kettle, Pot.
Partner: I’ll see what I can do.

I head to make a phone to the opposing counsel that is sending the fax and ask for him to resend it. No sooner have I started to dial when I hear:

Partner: YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING PAIN IN THE ASS! [Hits the side of the fax machine] WORK DAMNIT...FUCK!

A little while later another attorney attempts to make it work. He can do no better. And then he asks what happened:

Partner: It’s Namby’s fault, he wasn’t talking nice to it.

Update: The Secretary fixed it with three button clicks and a kind look

What I've learned today

From the fashion police: The older the attorney, the higher the likelihood their comb-over will succumb to a wicked 8 strand Mohawk-esque hat hair.

From the water closet: The more important the client, the harder it is to not laugh while they experience a case of explosive diarrhea. As a side note, it’s also challenging to silently laugh and not soil oneself at the urinal.

From the desk: The phone is evil. It interrupts the work. And the gChatting.

From the law: When asked about a question of law dealing with the 11th Amendment, I definitely sat behind my desk, listened intently, all the while surreptitiously using Wikipedia to figure out what the 11th Amendment actually says.

From when I behave like a first grader The Land of Motion Drafting: 4 years removed from Torts class, ‘Duty’ is still funny. My discussion with a partner on regarding a Defendant’s possible motion for Summary Judgment and our response was this: “I’ll just say, ‘Judge, “Doooty”’ and that’ll be that…Doooty.” Yeah, I am three years old sometimes. Duty.

Clients are funny

Client: I know we are all set for me any my sister to give our depositions next month but I have a question.
Me: Yeah, we are. What’s up?
Client: Well, that date works for me just fine, but…um…it doesn’t work well for my sister. She's got to go on this vacation.
Me: What do you mean, we had this scheduled for a while now?
Client: Well, um…uh…my sister is going to be on um…vacation…um…during that time..uh...and I was wondering if she could…uh…give you know…like a written statement before she goes on her vacation.
Me: When does your sister go on "vacation"?
Client: She leaves the end of the month…and well…um…well…like I said its not a voluntary vacation…and uh…its going to be a while before she gets back.
Me: That sounds like quite the "vacation"
Client: I call it a vacation…but like I said its not voluntary…
Me: I understand, the length of her vacation could be shortened with good behavior.
Client: [Nervous laughter] Yeah, that's the type of vacation…uh…so is there anything you can do before she goes on her vacation?
Me: I’ll see what I can do

What I wanted to say was some form of "Are you fucking kidding me" and "Your Honor"

I lost my quest for an extension of time. My client got defaulted. I almost swore at the judge. One of the attorneys that listened to the protracted argument (15 minutes on a simple continuance motion) told me I should appeal.

I think the contempt citation would have been worth it. Until the deputy slammed the cuffs on me ['yes, counselor, you are going to a pound me in the ass county lockup'].

I hate court in the middle of nowhere. I hate Mondays.

How to be an Asshole or My Thoughts on Professional Courtesy

My disdain for foreclosure work comes from the fact that whenever I see these firms in action, they are pushing paper. In my experience, paper pushers don’t think. They go from point A to point B to point C. You can’t upset the process because they don’t want Bill Lumbergh and their six other bosses to send them a memo about the cover sheet on their TPS reports.

Now why I am ranting on one of the most profitable and in-demand legal fields at the current moment? I am handling a foreclosure defense for a big client of my firm. Due to family issues with the client (basically overseas for the last month tending to a dying relative), I haven’t been able to talk with them about this case. Since I already hunting one attorney for signing a pleading that is false, I am a wary of signing any document that I haven’t had a chance to figure out what may be going on.

Now, let’s go to my point of contention: I can’t answer the complaint. 

I filed my appearance. I got an extension to file a response. And then the client had to tend to their family matter. This was a month ago. The client is coming back tomorrow several hours after the next court appearance. I called up the opposing counsel that is handling this matter and I explained the situation. I asked him for a 14-day extension so I could actually talk with my client and get a response on file. “I’d give you an extension if you had filed a response”

You understand that I can’t sign a pleading without actually finding out what’s going on the case, right? “I don’t understand why you haven’t got something filed”

You realize that my client has been out of the country since the day after I came into the case? “You should have filed a response”

I can’t file a response yet, this is why I am calling. “I don’t understand why you can’t file something”

You realize I am asking a professional courtesy? “I won’t agree to an extension”

You aren’t going to give me time to investigate? “The judge will give you the time you need”

This was after 10 minutes on the phone with this asshole. I was starting to get pissed. He just told me that he won’t me any time, but that the judge will. My level of frustration is being compounded exponentially by the fact that court in this case is an hour drive from my house and it is a nearly a two hour drive from there back to my office.

You won’t grant me the extension because I haven’t filed a response, I’ve you that I cannot file a response in good faith until my client is able to talk to me, and you’ve told me the judge will give me the time. You are making me drive all that way and waste all that time all that time to get what sounds like a foregone conclusion? “Maybe you shouldn’t take a client out there.”

Let’s take my client out of this. Let’s talk foreclosure work in general. Your client is best served if the defendant pays the mortgage, right? “Yes.” Due to the real estate market being what it is, your client will lose money if it takes possession of the property? “Yes.” Your client is best served in a case like this when the two sides can come together and work out a payment plan? “Yes.” Your client is best served when the sides come together, but you are not working with the Defense attorney in this case, I’m not inclined to help you at all, and in turn, your client suffers. “I won’t agree to an extension. If you had something on file, maybe I’d agree.”

You have to be kidding me. You realize that all you are doing is creating a ticked off attorney for no reason. You realize I am going to ask for the most amount of time possible? “Why don’t you ask for six months?”

If I thought I could get it, I would. Maybe between now and Monday, you’ll learn what it means to give a professional courtesy because I won’t be the one that teaches you. I’ll see you in court, counselor. “Yeah.”

As I hung up I wanted to throw the phone across my office because that was 30 minutes of my life that I will never get back.