This call may be recorded for quality assurance

Hello, you’ve reached the desk of The Namby Pamby and your call is important to him. However, before your call is connected, please listen to this entire message as the terms and conditions have changed in order for this conversation to begin. Currently, the desk to which you are about to be put through is likely covered in paper work and lunch belonging to the individual you are attempting to speak with. As such, he has a great aversion to taking a call that may result in projectile vomit covering his lunch, paperwork and/or laptop computer.

Please be advised that he does not wish to hear about your teeth falling out while you are in church or how your entire foot has been covered in blisters that have recently popped with the puss leaking like a spigot all over the floor. He does not wish to know anything about conditions that you may have that effect your eyes, mouth, ears, stomach, genitals or that may involved open sores and puss.

If you are currently in prison, hang up and don’t call back. Ever. If you are hurt and haven’t gone to the doctor, go to the doctor and you’re an idiot. If you are trying to sue the police for being shot after you pointed a gun at them, please stay on the line so that he can get a damn good laugh at your expense.

Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received. Have a nice day.