The Settlement Meeting Quiz

Cases can frequently be resolved by a simple phone call: “Hey, I got you a lot of money, let me settle your case”. The client hears this, is overjoyed and then promptly begins to complain when you give them their share of the settlement proceeds. However, not all clients and cases are this easy. There are those that require a face-to-face meeting. In the client’s home. With spreadsheets, pie-charts and a lot of caffeine.

Yesterday was my turn to take part in one of these meetings.

As I want you to learn (or at least laugh) from my experiences, I have a few questions for you that will allow you to focus on what really matters at these meetings. I’ve prepared a few questions for you based on my meeting yesterday.

Question 1: Upon entering a clients home for the first time you see is a large portrait of the client’s significant other portrayed as a celestial being (angelic looking...I think). You are ushered into the room for your meeting where said portrait is clearly the object that this room focuses on. Your client notices that you are ‘admiring’ this portrait and begins to talk about it. How do you respond?

1. Compliment the artistic vision of the painter, but focus your most lavish praise upon the subject of this piece of “artwork”. Spend a lot of time talking about the way the light highlights her stunning facial features while stopping short of discussing the multiple chins.
2. Stare at your feet, shuffle awkwardly and hide behind your partner until they stop looking at you.
3. Compliment the client, the house, the hospitality and everything else that allows you to not talk about the damn painting which offends God’s sensibilities.

Question 2: You have just driven three and a half hours and your client is offering you hard liquor. You still have the return trip to accomplish (not to mention an early morning courtroom date with a Chicago judge the next day) and it is still quite early in the day. What do you say?

1. “I’ll have what you are having. No wait...make that a double.”
2. “I’m sorry, but I’m ok for the moment. Plus, I have to drive.”
3. “Not right now, but if I could have a to-go cup. A little whiskey will definitely help spice up the drive.”

Question 3: Your Partner is finishing up the substantive side of the meeting, he turns to you and asks is there anything else. Your response is?

1. Compliment your firm’s work, your boss’s tireless drive to get the best result possible and assure the client that this is the best possible result.
2. “I think you covered everything, boss.”
3. Reach into your briefcase, handout the prepared materials and begin discussing your client’s newfound dream of timeshare ownership.

There is no wrong answer. Unless something you say gets you fired.

Kwality Medikal Keer

Client: Why haven’t I gotten any money yet?
Me: Have you gone to a doctor?
Client: I’ve been treating with my Chiropractor for 9 months!
Me: I’ve told you each time that we talk that insurance companies do not like Chiropractors. And that they are not real doctors. Please, go to a real doctor so we can find out what is wrong with you.
Client: What do you mean fake doctor? I’ve seen the degrees on his wall.
Me: You’ve treated with him for 9 months?
Client: Yes.
Me: Has given you a diagnosis?
Client: No.
Me: Fake doctor.

Clearly my client did not follow my tips for those about to be injured.

My client scared me to death

Dear Client:

I know that you are presently in a facility that is not your first choice of residence. I know that you don’t like the fellows and ladies that live along with you behind those cloistered rubber walls because they are [insert your racist reasoning of the day here] ignoring the fact that you were not born in this country. I know that you nucking futs.

Today, however, you have outdone even your multiple personality self with your latest letter to my office.

The handwritten note that starts “Hi Namby, My Dear Namby” wasn’t really the issue that prompted the heart palpitations, flop sweat or excessive swearing when the mail arrived today.

The problem was that in addition to your love note you included a second letter on larger paper. That second letter was all I saw when I opened up the envelope. All that I saw when I pulled out the paper from the envelope were the 5 worst words in the English language for an attorney:

“ATTORNEY REGISTRATION AND DISCIPLINARY COMMISION”

Thanks for causing chest pain.

Very truly yours,

Namby Pamby
No Longer Your Attorney at Law
thenambypamby@gmail.com

p.s. It doesn’t matter that this was a five-year old letter or that it was about an attorney that you retained nearly 20 years ago.

p.p.s I don't know why you can't find a guy like me. It could be be that you are twice my age and have none of your original teeth. But stop asking me this question...it's getting creepy.

Shower prevents 'Check You Email', world continues revolving

It was about eight o'clock Saturday evening when I received a somewhat frantic email from a somewhat frantic partner:

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH SMITH??????!!?!?!?!?!? I NEED TO KNOW ASAP

This late weekend missive was sent in an attempt to find out the status of one of the files that we have that was rapidly moving towards the statute of limitations. Also, it was an attempt to reaffirm that this individual works too much. And uses caps lock inappropriately.

Now, this email was sent to me and my senior partner was CC'ed in on it. Since I do not live with my phone attached to my side and I had just finished working out; I had missed this email's arrival by about 12 minutes. (I'm sure this would have been grounds for termination at BigLaw). So, I'm standing in my gym's lockerroom, in a state of sweaty undress, when I begin my response:

Smith was summarily executed, dismembered and sent to Siberia for burial.

Regards, NP

But for whatever reason, I didn't hit send. I saved the email and hit the shower.

15 minutes later, I return to my locker and check my phone. Two text messages, two missed calls and one tersely worded voicemail were awaiting my attention. From my senior partner letting me know that I was not to respond to this other partner's inquiry and that he'd handle it.

Now, I don't think that the end of the world would have happened had I hit send...but my question with this whole situation is what would have happened had I been drinking?

Saint Patrick Inspired Additions to the Illinois Supreme Court Rules

On this, the day after St. Patricks Day, I think it is time that we took into consideration the proclivities for younger attorneys and/or law students to overindulge in the sacrament. As this should be an encouraged way of life for attorneys here in Chicago, I offer two suggested rules for the Illinois Supreme Court to adopt as quickly as possible.

Proposed Supreme Court Rule 139

(a) All Settlement Conferences with addicts, reprobates, geriatrics, mean people and shitty lawyers will be conducted with at least one of the lead attorneys, or 711 licensees, with a blood alcohol content in excess of .10 but to be no greater than .19. Failure to comply with this rule shall result in immediate sanctions consisting of Jagermeister shots administered off of the nearest Bailiff’s navel.

(b) All attorneys working in traffic related matters, specifically those prosecuting and defending driving under the influence cases, shall refrain from liquid lunches on days where his or her trial call has more than five DUIs.

(b)(1) Rule 139 (b) is invalid on all Fridays, Mondays and rotating bi-weekly Thursdays.

Proposed Supreme Court Rule 195

(a) Counsel who appear before the court on motion arguments, status hearings and/or trial will be given greater deference in their arguments and overall presentation if they are engaging in what the Court, the clerk and opposing counsel mutually agree upon is a 'walk of shame'.

(b) Any counsel who meets the criteria of section (a) of this rule while complying with Sup. Ct. Rule 139 shall be immediately granted whatever relief he or she is seeking, with all reasonable costs awarded.

All in favor say cheers!

Not how I envisioned the day going

For those of you following my twitter feed, you know that I had a major oral argument today.

To cut to the chase, I lost.

Granted, this is the first true defeat since my first trial where I just lost (3 years ago) so it's been a while since I've tasted this sort of disappointment. Yeah, I've gotten chewed out, lost the inconsequential motions or been threatened with sanctions, but this was the equivalent of a not guilty. Total and utter defeat.

Here's the simple fact: I'm not pissed that I lost. I'm pissed at how I lost.

I've spent the last two weeks getting ready for today. At first, I didn't understand the nuances of the law at issue but I learned that. I didn't understand the mechanics of the facts, but I learned those. I had all of the knowledge I could possible grasp at my fingertips and able to spew out at a moments notice.

After a lot of work, I was ready.

45 minutes of argument later I was sure that I had carried the day. The court announces that it will take the arguments under consideration, take a brief recess and render a ruling. My first comment to my opponent: 'Think the judge is going back to chambers to flip a coin?'

The Bible does say pride goeth before a bitch slapping...

The judge reappears mere minutes later in the courtroom, announces that there is a written opinion (6 effing pages) and that I've lost. I could have spent the last two weekends doing something fun instead of preparing for the circle jerk that was this oral argument.

On the bright side, I drank really good scotch tonight to console myself. Though I'm sure my client doesn't give a rats ass about that...

Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday.

If you are in need of additional reading material...

Check out my column on picking the battles worth fighting over a Constitutional Daily.

DO IT.

Please?

It's not unethical if it's true

Clients are like Veruca Salt: they want their settlement and they want it now.

Unfortunately, for their attorneys who have to put up with their crap, this is not how it works. Clients just do not comprehend that lawyers have actual work to do for other actual clients. Nor do they understand that lawyers are notorious procrastinators that only do quality work under the threat of being fired, committing malpractice or a contempt citation.

Thus, we arrive at the problem: you tell the client the truth and you are in trouble. But...if you lie to the client, you are in more trouble. Thus, there needs to be a balance that meets ethical standards of the practice of law. Or at least meets the gray areas of those ethical standards.

In my four years vast experience, it seems the attorney needs to have a way to put the client at ease when they call demanding immediate action. In other words, a lawyer has to spin the truth in such a manner that makes the client happy (Come on, we’re lawyers after all!!!). For these occasions, I’ve got a few handy phrases salted away:

• I am engaging in heated negotiations with opposing counsel: I am playing phone tag with the defense counsel.
• We are working with a private investigator: I assigned a law clerk and told him to start Googling.
• A paralegal has run off with the file and is presently working on it: I have no recollection of who you are or what your case is about.
• We recently had extensive motion arguments in your case: I wrote a shitty complaint while I was hungover and looking at inappropriate photos on the internet. Unfortunately, the Defense counsel isn’t as dumb as I hoped and called me on my crap.
• We successfully defended against the Motion to Dismiss: We lost the oral argument but were given leave to replead.

The hope is to leave the client thinking that progress is being made while you are hanging up your phone, scrambling to get to the work done.

Two normal people are infinitely smarter than two lawyers

From the trenches with one of my best friends from law school:

Lawyer: You withheld information!!!
Client: I didn’t think that it mattered.
Lawyer: I asked you if you had ever been arrested and you told me no!
Client: That was before I found Jesus.

From my own day to day shenanigans:

Caller: I have a malpractice case and I want to sue my doctor.
Me: What did your doctor mess up exactly?
Caller: I dunno.
Me: Then when I’m supposed to tell the judge that your doctor did wrong?
Caller: I have a feeling that he is a quack.

And non-lawyers wonder why we drink so much.

Here’s to the Technophobes

I am sitting out in a far-flung suburban courthouse going through my last minute cram session before oral arguments on my opponents motion for summary judgment. I’ve been getting ready for this hearing on and off again for the better part of the week. For this matter, it is just me appearing before the Court but I have been working closely with my senior partner.

That’s when I get a phone call from my other partner:

Partner: Yeah, um, I know you’re busy, but I’m looking for the final brief that we filed in the Smith v. Jones case.
Me: The one that we filed two years ago?
Partner: Yes.
Me: Did you check the firm’s server? I think it’s in a folder named “Final Brief” because I was just looking at it the other day.
Partner: I’m staring at the server and I can’t find the file.

I pull out my iPad and log into the firm server. I quickly navigate my way into the file that he is talking about and find exactly what he is looking for.

Me: Let me walk you through this. Are you in the Smith v. Jones folder?
Partner: Yes.
Me: It’s the fourth folder down as you look at the list of files marked in the folder named “FINAL BRIEF”
Partner: I see order.doc, caselaw.pdf, memorandum.doc and the fourth file is (pauses) caselaw.doc. I don’t see any file named “Final Brief”...I just think that it’s not in here.
Me: Are you sure you are in the right folder?
Partner: Yes.

At this point I am utterly confused as to why he cannot find this file. Then it dawns on me:

Me: From the top, list everything that you see in this folder window.
Partner: Ok, something named Appellate Record, then Correspondence, then Client Correspondence, then Final Brief, then the files start, order.doc...
Me: Stop right there. Final Brief is a folder. Open that.
Partner: ....Oh....

My partner: legal genius that he is has difficulties understanding the differences between FILES and FOLDERS.

I’m going to file this under “I probably shouldn’t have said that”

Opposing counsel: You want to go get your guy? We’re ready for him.
Me: Do I have to? He makes my skin crawl.
Opposing counsel: (After he is done laughing) You realize that’s your star witness, right?

It's always good when the only person that proves your case gives you the heebee jeebees.

When your job gives you lemons, throw them at your partner

The last couple of weeks have been rather intense at the office. I’ve been swamped with court appearances, depositions of people that suck and lots and lots of phone calls with people that just want to waste my time.

This doesn’t even factor in the mindless bitch work that is getting dumped on me in any given day. Frankly, I don’t care what my partners give me to do.

Until I start getting blamed for their mistakes.

But, as an associate...no, strike that...as an associate in a horrible job market, short of going postal, what can you do? It’s a question that I’ve been pondering a lot lately (especially when I’ve been having my morning whiskey) and I wish I could come up with the best way to address this issue.

I figure that I’ve got a couple of options how I can respond:

Option A

Take the abuse, shut up about it and just stifle it along with every other reason that you are presently searching for new employment.

Upside: Retain your job.
Downside: Liver disease.

Option B

Discuss the matter with said partner behind a closed door in his office. Politely and professionally discuss what happened that lead to the error (i.e. how the partner f***ed up and how you are blameless) and offer suggestions for ways that this problem can be avoided in the future.

Upside: Maybe retain your job, clear your conscious of not standing being wrongly accused of a minor f*ck up and perhaps improve the day-to-day work product of your boss.
Downside: Maybe not retain your job, move to a higher priority on your partner’s shit list and liver disease.

Option C

Next time the Partner blames you for the slightest problem, no matter the location, list every single screw up that has been the result of the partner’s actions and/or inactions. List his personal failings and other problems with enhanced vocal volume so that everyone in your zip code can hear you. End with the classic summation: YOU NEED ME MORE THAN I NEED YOU! Storm off.

Upside: You’d likely make Above the Law in an entertaining manner.
Downside: No more job. No more ability to fund your liver disease. No chance of working in a law firm as a lawyer ever again.

Fact of the matter is that I don’t have the tact or ability to politely point out a mistake so I am resigned to taking Option A.

I just wish I had the balls for Option C.

The bite clearly did not cause a fatal wound. Shame.

Caller: I have an animal bite case.
Me: Why don't you tell me what happened and we'll see if you have a case.
Caller: I got bit at the zoo.
Me: Um. Ok. How'd that happen?
Caller: I was standing in front of the cage.
Me: But how'd the animal bite you?
Caller: I stuck my hand into the cage.
Me: That was stupid.
Caller: What you mean?!? That animal hurt me. They should pay me for that!!!
Me: No they shouldn't.
Caller: What the f*** are you talking about...I'm in pain!!
Me: Of course you are...

The secretary that has overheard all of my calls for the previous two years has rated this as the best ever.

So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

These Lawyers Behaved Badly

I was sitting in the jury box waiting for my case to be called this morning when I witnessed my new favorite judge teach two lawyers a lesson they obviously missed in kindergarten.

Their case was called, up they went and then everything went to hell in a hand basket at ludicrous speed. To set the stage, think of two whiny children (in their late 40s/early 50s) that have had way too much caffeine and not enough hugs:

Defense Counsel: This case is settled and we are just waiting for a few documents.
Plaintiffs Counsel: There is no settlement!
DC: What are you talking about, I have the signed release right here.
PC: If I may, your honor, I don’t think the counsel is fully up on the file.
DC: What on earth are talking about? We settled this case...
PC: There is no evidence of any...
DC: If I may finish.
The Judge: No, you may not finish. Just stop it. Both of you need to stop. This is unbelievable. Both of you are unprofessional, rude and obnoxious...

At this point, all 30 other attorneys in the room begin to shift in their seats uneasily.

The Judge: You have wasted my time, you have wasted the time of all of these other attorneys seated here and you will get out of my courtroom right now And maybe the next time you are here you both will have learned how to be professional. Now get out of my sight.

Then, and I didn’t see it, but I believe the Plaintiff’s counsel smirked.

I don’t know why he did and I for sure don’t know why he let the judge see it. But I do know that it was the wrong thing to do.

The Judge: You think this is funny, counselor? I’m not sure what I see funny about this at all. If you are going to behave like this, I don’t want to see you again. Get out. Right now.

Mind you, the Judge’s words do not give his demeanor the appropriate justice. He was livid with these two and was anything but quiet in admonishing them as he ejected them from his courtroom.

The moral here is not to act like addle schoolchildren before a judge.

Not like you should have to be taught this lesson.