Friday, March 18, 2011

Saint Patrick Inspired Additions to the Illinois Supreme Court Rules

On this, the day after St. Patricks Day, I think it is time that we took into consideration the proclivities for younger attorneys and/or law students to overindulge in the sacrament. As this should be an encouraged way of life for attorneys here in Chicago, I offer two suggested rules for the Illinois Supreme Court to adopt as quickly as possible.

Proposed Supreme Court Rule 139

(a) All Settlement Conferences with addicts, reprobates, geriatrics, mean people and shitty lawyers will be conducted with at least one of the lead attorneys, or 711 licensees, with a blood alcohol content in excess of .10 but to be no greater than .19. Failure to comply with this rule shall result in immediate sanctions consisting of Jagermeister shots administered off of the nearest Bailiff’s navel.

(b) All attorneys working in traffic related matters, specifically those prosecuting and defending driving under the influence cases, shall refrain from liquid lunches on days where his or her trial call has more than five DUIs.

(b)(1) Rule 139 (b) is invalid on all Fridays, Mondays and rotating bi-weekly Thursdays.

Proposed Supreme Court Rule 195

(a) Counsel who appear before the court on motion arguments, status hearings and/or trial will be given greater deference in their arguments and overall presentation if they are engaging in what the Court, the clerk and opposing counsel mutually agree upon is a 'walk of shame'.

(b) Any counsel who meets the criteria of section (a) of this rule while complying with Sup. Ct. Rule 139 shall be immediately granted whatever relief he or she is seeking, with all reasonable costs awarded.

All in favor say cheers!