Paging Doctor Freud (or Doctor Rob)

There I was, sound asleep, having a great dream. Well. I was having a dream. (Great may be a bit of an overstatement.)

The dream: I had just gotten a new job.

Those of you that know me outside of these words know that I am actively seeking a new job (by drunkenly sending off resumes to prospective firms). I'm in my fourth year with my current firm and I'm ready to move away from Plaintiff's work. I've had a good run at chasing ambulances and learning how to litigate a case...but now I want something more challenging.

Anyway, back to the dream...

There I was, sitting before the hiring partner at a prestigious Big Law firm. I had just accepted their offer and was to start immediately.

The dream continued and I was led by this partner and an HR rep on the path to my new office. This long and winding journey led me to what can only be described as a dungeon. Me being the inquisitive kind, even asleep, I asked what I was doing in what may have been the Lubyanka circa 1970.

The reply: "This is where we keep the attorneys that just aren't smart enough" And then they handed me a laminated piece of paper that was a check for $200,000. That's when I woke up.

Nothing like an odd dream to start the work week.

The moral here is that I think my subconscious has an inferiority complex.

That's willing to be bribed.

Your new stop for breaking legal news with snarky analysis

As Bitter Lawyer hasn't had new content in five months, I'm now contributing over at Constitutional Daily.

Go check it out. Right now. Or my editor will kill someone...likely me.

It's not just me, there's PhilaLawyer, Dr. Rob Corman and Some-asshole-that-I-do-a-podcast-with...not to mention news updates and several other talented and funny writers.

Hope you enjoy it. If you've got thoughts or critiques, let me know.

Chiropractors make my life harder

I'm meeting with one of my clients treating "doctors" today as we move her case towards trial.

Thanks to this doctor, my job is a hell of a lot harder. Why you ask? Because insurance companies, defense counsel, real doctors and most anyone associated with the medical profession hate chiropractors.

Chiropractic medicine is palliative in nature meaning that it attempts to relieve the symptoms and not address the underlying issues that cause the symptoms. Now, I'm not saying it can't temporarily relieve pain because it can. However, a lot of Plaintiff's go straight to a chiropractor and that "doctor" never refers them to someone that can actually do something.

When there is a lot of chiropractic medicine in a case, you can almost be guaranteed that the insurance company will fight the claim until the bitter end.

So I am meeting with this doctor today to prepare for trial and this is what I want to say:

Doctor, if I may call you that, I believe that you are a joke of a professional.

You continually rack up thousands upon thousands of dollars in medical bills for procedures that do absolutely nothing to treat the underlying condition that my client has presented with. After six months of "treatment" with you, you prescribed more "treatment."

Breathtaking diagnostic approach. I am sure that Dr. House would be proud of your medical abilities.

What's most damning is that you didn't refer the patient to a neurologist, orthopedist or a freaking podiatrist…you know a real doctor that went to a real medical school.

As this case moves forward, I'm extremely thankful that for two months of treating my client, you bill approximately $4,000 for "hot/cold packs". Let me get that straight, four thousand bucks for ice and a heating pad? I guess your office has a shortage of electricity and water.

You're a hack.

As I need this doctor, this is what I will say:

Doctor, thank you for meeting with me today. I want to thank you for feeling my client's pain. [I will attempt to tear up at this point]

And making her better.

I wonder if my disdain will show through?

My Suitcoat Hides the Flop Sweat

It was just supposed to be an easy morning in the halls of justish. A quick order entered here, a case management there and an uncontested motion to wrap it all up followed by an afternoon of paperwork and deposition preparation.

Let’s just say that it didn’t go as hoped.

I was prepared for a little complication as everything that I had to do was at the same time, so I arrived early to put attorney holds on cases so that I could be late. That’s when I got to what was going to be my third courtroom of the day to find out that my uncontested motion wasn’t on the court call. The clerk quickly sorted out the problem: it was missing from the court docket. He told me to talk to the law clerk and get it all straightened out. I said I would after my other two matters.

Now, for those of you not practicing in the Daley Center, the elevators are a mess. In simple terms, you can’t get there from here. I was on a floor in the mid-twenties and I had to get to the mid-teens, which are not served by the same groups of elevators. In order to most expeditiously do this, I used two different elevator trips: down 16 floors then up 8 (editors note: the seventh floor connects to all banks of elevators in the building). It gets complicated when it gets crowded. Again, this was just foreshadowing on the crap that was coming.

Off to the next courtroom. Thankfully in and out without a hitch. Back to the elevator funshow for three trips to go 11 floors: 14 to 17, 17 to 23, 23 to 25 (going down, to go back up is a risky proposition during rush hour). The second courtroom was also in and out without a problem. Back to the final courtroom again where I got stuck in at the end of the call.

“Counsel you want to explain to me what is going with this case?” And off I went attempting to brief the Court of the actual progress only to be interrupted: “This isn’t in the orders. I have no idea what’s going on with this case...” The Judge proceeds to berate me for the next five minutes on how the orders are poorly drafted, the pace of this case, the fact that my opposing counsel didn’t show up, how the weather is gloomy and the fact that my handwriting is bad. I was sent from the Courtroom to call the opposing counsel and inform him of what was happening.

By the time I was done talking to my opposing counsel (who I like and get along with real well), the judge has retreated to chambers.

And the berating began yet again.

It just seems that I couldn’t do anything right for this Judge on this case. The teachable moment is that even if you are in a pre-trial conference with the judge and you are told exactly what to write in the orders and what needs to be done by the judge...you have not done enough.

I’m a big kid and I take my lectures standing up (while sweating profusely beneath my suit).

Again I am told what to write in the order and sent from the judge’s presence to carry out these judicial wishes. I’m sitting in the courtroom, after being told by the court clerk that I have to wait until the judge returns so that the order can be reviewed. The judge finally shows up, reads the order, makes one final pronouncement about how I’ve screwed up and enters the order. What should have taken about 30 seconds ended up taking nearly an hour.

The afternoon was nowhere near as stress inducing. Except for finding out that one of your key disclosed experts is about to get hauled off to the nearest federal prison and will not be returning anytime soon.

Litigation is awesome. Never forget that.

Family Matters

Me: Having my Dad as my attorney may be raising my stress level.
My Friend: Yeah, an attorney who represents his son has a fool for a client.

I can’t argue with fact.

Today’s Practice Tips

1. Argue the facts when they help you, argue the law when it helps you and if you have neither, ask the court for more time.

2. You need to have a good poker face when the client tells you that under no circumstances will he have the money to pay the $50,000 judgment until 2014. You must maintain this poker face at all times despite the client currently owing your firm in excess of $100,000 in attorney’s fees.

3. Nothing good can occur when opposing counsel says: “There’s something you should know about your client…”

4. “Objection, shut the f*ck up” is an appropriate phrase for the mental dialogue you are having while working. It is not something to leave in discovery responses that you’ve just handed to the client to review for her signature.

5. Nine times out of ten you can tell if your opposing counsel is an asshole from his voicemail message.

Another case of the Mondays

Today is going great right now. Clients are causing a little stress:

• I’m convinced Client A is faking his injury. That’s what the medical evidence shows.
• The more I documentation I read, the more I believe that Client B is trying to commit insurance fraud.
• Client C is ducking my phone calls and Client D has called far too often with nothing new to report to him.
• Client E just doesn't get that her case is not as important as she thinks it is.

And it’s not just clients that are making this day worse...

• Attorney 1 is an asshole that refuses to cede his “moral high ground” to common sense, facts and reality. Thus a case that should have settled a year ago continues to trudge through needless litigation.
• Attorney 2 sent me a critical file in Word Perfect. Which, being the Mac user I am makes it worthless to me. So much for that deadline.
• Attorney 3 is a moron that can’t understand a settlement contract if his life depended on it.

To cap the morning off, I dumped toner all over myself when I changed my printer cartridge.

Please, bring on the weekend.

How the Cook County Public Defender (might have) Saved Attorney Jobs

As you might have heard, Cook County is the bastion of fiscal responsibility. Or broke for short.

The new Cook County board president took Janet Napolitano’s haircut and Sarah Palin’s fiscal policy as she went about navigating the financial morass that is one of the largest municipalities in the country. This means cuts up and down the line in a desperate attempt to make sure that Cook County keeps on operating.

Up until a few hours ago, it was thought that approximately 68 Cook County Public Defenders were about to lose their jobs (apparently the State’s Attorney threaten to donkey punch the board president if they cut attorneys from her office...but don’t quote me on that).

Now normally, I wouldn’t care if criminals had an overworked PD attempting to slow their journey to their new home owned by the Illinois Department of Corrections. Except when some of my closest friends were on the chopping block.

Then I got a message this morning: “They secured funding and no PD’s are going to lose their jobs!!!”

Without more information, I can only think that the Cook County Public Defender has gone the route of the Chicago White Sox: defiling the name of Comiskey Park Commercial Sponsorship. If this is true, one could imagine a few immediate changes:

• The Office of the Public Defender is now known as “The Smith and Wesson Public Defender”
• All Clinical Evaluations will be performed by WebMD
• Motions to Suppress are now to be titled “Motion for Robitussin”
• Voir Dire is now known as “Dex Knows People Search”
• All cross-examinations of police officers will be sponsored by Dunkin Donuts
• DNA Evidence will be presented (and paid for) by Durex.
• The jury will pick the convicted Defendant’s sentence using Orbitz’s Prison Trip Planner iPad Application
• Attorneys will be clad in the official Snuggie during trial

Seriously though, I’m glad there are not going to be 68 new unemployed attorneys in Chicago.

Pro Bonoing with Law Students

One of my close friends was just asked to assist in mock interviews for those still in law school. We all know that law students are cute, cuddly and fun to poke with a stick, so my friend quickly agreed to this public service. As she has as much experience as the rest of us in interviewing people (read: next to zero) an e-mail chain popped up amongst us recent law grads discussing things that these law students should be asked.

In other words, we had way too much fun proposing the way we would torture these poor souls instead of focusing on keeping our jobs as lawyers. Here's what we came up with:

• What’s the average flight speed of an unladen swallow?
• What would make you say "That’s beneath me!" when it comes to job tasks and requirements?
• Are you interested in having a future in plastics?
• Have you ever been in Turkish prison?
• Would you flip fries with the right, left or both hands?
• Can you believe it’s not butter?
• How far are you willing to go to get a job?
• Do you like movies about Gladiators?
• When it comes to ethical/unethical, how many lies will you tell to cover your boss's ass?
• Do you have a gag reflex?
• Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Clearly one should refrain from asking “Why the F*** did you go to law school in the first place?” as it seems a little fierce in a mock interview.

Mr. Unlucky

Caller: I got bedbugs in my apartment.
Me: And?
Caller: And then I took them to my mom’s.
Me: There’s nothing I...
Caller: I also got diabetes.
Me: What?
Caller: From my pills.
Me: What does this have to do with the bedbugs?
Caller: Nothing, I just want to sue for that. And I want to sue my doctor.
Me: The doctor that prescribed you the pills?
Caller: No, my surgery doctor
Me: Oh? What possibly did this doctor do wrong?
Caller: I was pissing myself.
Me: What’s the doctor got to do with this?
Caller: I had surgery.
Me: What sort of surgery?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: Then why do you need to sue?
Caller: After the surgery, I kept pissing myself.
Me: Occasionally surgeries aren’t successful.
Caller: But now I also can’t get an erection to shoot semen to make babies.
Me: When did these things happen to you?
Caller: Last month.

A law clerk overheard me on the call and she doesn’t believe that it was real.

Unfortunately, I can’t get her to call the guy back.

A good deed likely to be punished

I’ve said many times that I hate lawyers that communicate to their opponent only through written motions. I’ve got one of those opponents right now.

It started when I received late notice on one of their motions and ended up missing the hearing. That motion, which I was objecting to, was granted. It continued when their office covered a case management conference and inserted language that was less than friendly in the “agreed” order. Finally, last week, I received a motion from their office that they filed just to a pain: “Counsel’s Motion to Be A Dick or, in the Alternative, Motion to be a an Inflamed Hemorrhoid.”

Throughout the process of litigating this case, as I’ve attempted to lay out above, I’ve realized that I can’t trust my opponents to behave themselves before the judge when I am not present. So, for Counsel’s motion, I made sure to attend the court hearing.

My opponent, on the other hand, declined to follow suit.

Now, if this were my motion and I decided not to come, I am fairly sure that my opponent would (1) had my motion stricken the instant the case was called, (2) ask the court to assess costs for my no show and (3) find some additional way to be a douche.

What do I do?

I tell the court that I am more than willing to wait for a while to see if he is just running late. I wait a half hour and no one shows. I pull the anti-douche move to resolve this matter: “Your Honor, I haven’t been able to get in contact with opposing counsel but I don’t want to inconvenience him by having his motion stricken. I’d suggest that we just enter and continue this two weeks so that we can make sure that counsel can present his motion.”

I know this is going to come back to bite me in the ass.

Why was I not told about this?

So it snowed last night? No one said anything.

Guess I'm going to have to work from home today. Oh darn.
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UPDATE: Courtesy of one of my friends...