Friday, February 11, 2011

How the Cook County Public Defender (might have) Saved Attorney Jobs

As you might have heard, Cook County is the bastion of fiscal responsibility. Or broke for short.

The new Cook County board president took Janet Napolitano’s haircut and Sarah Palin’s fiscal policy as she went about navigating the financial morass that is one of the largest municipalities in the country. This means cuts up and down the line in a desperate attempt to make sure that Cook County keeps on operating.

Up until a few hours ago, it was thought that approximately 68 Cook County Public Defenders were about to lose their jobs (apparently the State’s Attorney threaten to donkey punch the board president if they cut attorneys from her office...but don’t quote me on that).

Now normally, I wouldn’t care if criminals had an overworked PD attempting to slow their journey to their new home owned by the Illinois Department of Corrections. Except when some of my closest friends were on the chopping block.

Then I got a message this morning: “They secured funding and no PD’s are going to lose their jobs!!!”

Without more information, I can only think that the Cook County Public Defender has gone the route of the Chicago White Sox: defiling the name of Comiskey Park Commercial Sponsorship. If this is true, one could imagine a few immediate changes:

  • The Office of the Public Defender is now known as “The Smith and Wesson Public Defender”
  • All Clinical Evaluations will be performed by WebMD
  • Motions to Suppress are now to be titled “Motion for Robitussin”
  • Voir Dire is now known as “Dex Knows People Search”
  • All cross-examinations of police officers will be sponsored by Dunkin Donuts
  • DNA Evidence will be presented (and paid for) by Durex.
  • The jury will pick the convicted Defendant’s sentence using Orbitz’s Prison Trip Planner iPad Application
  • Attorneys will be clad in the official Snuggie during trial
Seriously though, I’m glad there are not going to be 68 new unemployed attorneys in Chicago.