My Suitcoat Hides the Flop Sweat

It was just supposed to be an easy morning in the halls of justish. A quick order entered here, a case management there and an uncontested motion to wrap it all up followed by an afternoon of paperwork and deposition preparation.

Let’s just say that it didn’t go as hoped.

I was prepared for a little complication as everything that I had to do was at the same time, so I arrived early to put attorney holds on cases so that I could be late. That’s when I got to what was going to be my third courtroom of the day to find out that my uncontested motion wasn’t on the court call. The clerk quickly sorted out the problem: it was missing from the court docket. He told me to talk to the law clerk and get it all straightened out. I said I would after my other two matters.

Now, for those of you not practicing in the Daley Center, the elevators are a mess. In simple terms, you can’t get there from here. I was on a floor in the mid-twenties and I had to get to the mid-teens, which are not served by the same groups of elevators. In order to most expeditiously do this, I used two different elevator trips: down 16 floors then up 8 (editors note: the seventh floor connects to all banks of elevators in the building). It gets complicated when it gets crowded. Again, this was just foreshadowing on the crap that was coming.

Off to the next courtroom. Thankfully in and out without a hitch. Back to the elevator funshow for three trips to go 11 floors: 14 to 17, 17 to 23, 23 to 25 (going down, to go back up is a risky proposition during rush hour). The second courtroom was also in and out without a problem. Back to the final courtroom again where I got stuck in at the end of the call.

“Counsel you want to explain to me what is going with this case?” And off I went attempting to brief the Court of the actual progress only to be interrupted: “This isn’t in the orders. I have no idea what’s going on with this case...” The Judge proceeds to berate me for the next five minutes on how the orders are poorly drafted, the pace of this case, the fact that my opposing counsel didn’t show up, how the weather is gloomy and the fact that my handwriting is bad. I was sent from the Courtroom to call the opposing counsel and inform him of what was happening.

By the time I was done talking to my opposing counsel (who I like and get along with real well), the judge has retreated to chambers.

And the berating began yet again.

It just seems that I couldn’t do anything right for this Judge on this case. The teachable moment is that even if you are in a pre-trial conference with the judge and you are told exactly what to write in the orders and what needs to be done by the judge...you have not done enough.

I’m a big kid and I take my lectures standing up (while sweating profusely beneath my suit).

Again I am told what to write in the order and sent from the judge’s presence to carry out these judicial wishes. I’m sitting in the courtroom, after being told by the court clerk that I have to wait until the judge returns so that the order can be reviewed. The judge finally shows up, reads the order, makes one final pronouncement about how I’ve screwed up and enters the order. What should have taken about 30 seconds ended up taking nearly an hour.

The afternoon was nowhere near as stress inducing. Except for finding out that one of your key disclosed experts is about to get hauled off to the nearest federal prison and will not be returning anytime soon.

Litigation is awesome. Never forget that.

Looking for an escape clause

I’ve managed to get out of all of my scheduled court appearances this week. That means I won’t have to make any 100 mile road trips for 28 seconds in front of the judge…at least this week. This also means that I won’t have a legitimate excuse to actually leave the office.

This is a problem.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love nine or ten straight hours without seeing natural light, breathing filtered air and staring at a computer screen. But, I feel wrong just leaving (damn you work ethic! DAMN YOU!). I really feel wrong leaving when I have six outstanding discovery projects, two motion to compels, five settlement demands and one complaint that all need doing (not to mention the other 28 things on my to-do list that need doing).

This could be a productive week. It also could be a week where I snap at one of the clients from h-e-you-know-where for calling when I am stuffing myself with lunch I’ve ordered in.

I am going to call this professional progress. Or dangerously close to malpractice

A year ago, I spent roughly 6 hours over two days prepping for my first deposition.

Today, while sitting in the opposing counsel's conference room, I prepped for 14 minutes while the deponent was in the bathroom.

And it was the best deposition that I have ever taken.

How to put a Prick Lawyer in his place: Seven Easy Steps

1. Have a contentious motion argument where the other lawyer is demanding a trial next week.
2. Get a date three weeks out.
3. As the lawyer is setting the date for exactly [three weeks from now] with the scheduler, ask him to move it 3 days later due to a family commitment.
4. Use the phrase: ‘It’s just a matter of professional courtesy’
5. Have the other lawyer, in earshot of the judge but under his breath, call you a ‘jackass’
6. Loudly respond, “Did you just call me a jackass?!?!” so that everyone in the courtroom can hear you, especially the judge.
7. Be given a new trial date, 6 weeks out, from the judge.

Jackass.

It's like a haiku, only not

I'm taking my first deposition this week. This is fantastic. I'm super excited.

I'm taking my first deposition this week. This is fantastic. I've never been to a deposition before.

I'm taking my first deposition this week. This is fantastic. I'm going to be there by myself.

Time to swim.