I was able to settle a handful of small value cases in the last week and each one had several things in common: (1) One of my crazy eccentric clients, (2) who has unreasonable expectations for what their case is worth and (3) an overly generous settlement offer from a naive insurance adjustor/defense counsel.
After repeating this process five times in four days, I’ve realized that I have developed a standard game plan:
As soon as I receive a settlement offer, I tell the claims handler or opposing counsel that I “have to talk to my client” before resolving this case. At this juncture, that statement is true. However, the client does not get a call from me at this point. I hang up the phone, pick my iPad, play Angry Birds for 15 minutes and then call the other side back. It’s at this point that I get more money than the case is worth.
Now it is finally time to call the client.
Clients think that because they suffered “contusions” and “strains” while spending three months treating with a fake doctor chiropractor, that they are entitled to early retirement. [As an aside, it’s these conversations where I typically hear my favorite line as a Plaintiff’s attorney: “But I could have died”]. The simple fact is that the client is going to be fine. It’s time to remind them of that.
The first step is to list every single problem with the case (you were drunk), the client (you weren’t hurt) and the cold hard reality that is litigation (juries are stewpid). Second, after thoroughly attacking every ounce of their soul, it is now time to remind them that they are on the hook for any costs expended in the course of this litigation. “And if we go to trial, we’re going to need expert witnesses and they cost thousands of dollars…an hour.”
After annihilating their expectations of a potential verdict while peppering them with the fiscal reality of not taking this settlement offer, it’s finally time. To lie to them. [Sort of.]
I deliver the opening settlement offer. I let them cry, moan, bitch, wail, feign outrage and just express themselves as they see fit about how small the offer actually is. Once the emotion passes, I remind them of all the things that we just talked about and tell them that this is the best that they are likely going to be able to do. Then I tell them to give me the authority to settle the case.
By the time this phone call ends, I make sure that they are genuinely excited and thrilled about the settlement that we are about to reach.
Once I have settlement authority, I pick up my iPad, play Angry Birds for 20 minutes and then call the client back. This phone call always goes the same way. I tell them it was a real battle and the other side threatened to take this all the way to a verdict but, I was able to make them see the strength our position and I got 50% [or more] money to settle this than was previously offered.
The response from the client is always the same thing:
“You couldn’t have gotten any more?”
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Settling small
Monday, January 24, 2011
What I did on during my 45 day vacation...I mean briefing schedule
"Your Honor, my schedule is incredibly busy over the next several weeks. I'd like an extended time to respond to opposing counsel's Motion. If the Court would allow it, I would respect that I get 45 days to file my brief"
Day One: Return from court. Tell the partner the good news. Forget to docket order in my personal schedule. Return file to bottom drawer of file cabinet. Close file cabinet.
Day Seven: File has moved from bottom drawer of my file cabinet to the bottom drawer of the file storage room. I've got 38 more days to worry about this thing. Why would I want to start working on this case?
Day Twenty: Completely forget about: (1) This case, (2) This motion (3) The opposing counsel and (4) his really bad suits.
Day Twenty Nine: What brief?
Day Thirty Five: Client calls twice, e-mails and then calls again. Wants a status update. Unable to answer the question, I tell the client that I will pull the file and try and get back to her later in the day.
Day Thirty Seven: Client calls again. I tell the secretary that "I'm in court"
Day Thirty Nine: Call client. "Everything's fine! We'll be in court in a couple of weeks and I'll let you know what's going on"
Day Forty: Pull file. Realize that you have completely forgotten about this pending Motion. Schedule emergency meeting with Partner to plot strategy. Find out that he is out of the office until tomorrow. Begin researching any and all potential legal rebuttals to opposing counsel's argument
Day Forty One: Panic.
Day Forty Two: Meet with Partner. Discuss strategy. In 15 seconds. As he is walking out the door for the weekend.
Day Forty Three: Saturday. Wake up at 6:15. Start work. Break for appropriate sporting events. Break for dinner. Work until late. Showering forbidden.
Day Forty Four: Sunday. Ignore the fact that you are less than 25% complete with your brief. Go to Bears Game. Watch them lose to the Green Bay Packers. Drink the pain away.
Day Forty Five: DEADLINE DAY. Wake up earlier than normal after a fitful night's sleep. Get to the office early. Find memoranda from your partner regarding stupid shit. Find voicemail from your partner regarding stupider shit. Find yourself finding everything that everyone tells you is stupid shit. Realize that you have a very short fuse today. Move from desk (where you can be found) to empty conference room (where it's much less likely that you will be found). Write. All. Day. Do not leave until it is done.
Day Forty Five: 5pm TECHNICAL DEADLINE FOR SERVICE. Still writing. Whoops.
Day Forty Five: 7pm Finish Writing. Call Partner waiting for approval to serve.
Day Forty Five: 9pm Partner Sends a Text Message. "I don't need to look at it. I trust you. Send it."
Day Forty Five: 10pm. Three drinks in. Sends out brief.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The prescription made me do it
Caller: I want to sue a drug manufacturer
Me: Why?
Caller: I was on this drug and it destroyed my marriage.
Me: I’m sorry...what now?
Caller: My doctor warned me that this drug could put me into a state where I wouldn’t know what I was doing.
Me: And this destroyed your marriage how exactly?
Caller: I got into my car, drove somewhere, met some guy, checked into a hotel and cheated on my husband while I was using this drug.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Two clients, one attorney
Plaintiff B: $250,000
Plaintiff B: 21 year old male, living in the boonies with his on again, off again girlfriend when he is not in jail.
Plaintiff B: Some high school. Didn’t finish because “reading books and shit” isn’t his thing.
Plaintiff B: Works landscaping. Sometimes.
Plaintiff B: “I get paid in caaaash. Why should I give the government any?”
Plaintiff B: Bribed a witness to his accident. Threatened 2 others.
Plaintiff B: “Your client is a little asswipe. If I had my way, I would take this case to trial and kick his ass all over the place”
Plaintiff B: $1,500. Maybe.
Plaintiff B: Makes you want to be a Defense Lawyer. And makes you want to shoot your clients.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
A gentleman does not kiss and tell. His wife on the other hand…
There is something about a loss of consortium claim in a personal injury lawsuit. A little je ne ménage a trois sais quoi if you will.
For those of you not of the legal world (or those of you in it with a giant stick up your butt), a loss consortium claim basically means “loss of sex”. In other words, we have to sit in a conference room as the Plaintiff, under oath, speaks about his intimate life in explicit detail. All the while keeping a straight face.
Opposing Counsel: Please describe your sexual relationship with your spouse.
Husband: It’s good.
Opposing Counsel: Please describe your sexual relationship with your spouse.
Wife: Let me tell you, my husband is a jackrabbit. All he wants to do is f**k me. There is no satisfying that man. EVER. F**k. F**k. F**k. F**k. F**k. That’s all he wants to do. This accident is the worst thing that could ever have happened to our sex life. I am just not physically able to please him. I don’t know what to do. The strain on our marriage is massive...
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Three Ways to tell a Judge that I shouldn’t be held in contempt
I’ve got to go before a judge today and explain why I shouldn’t be held in contempt for breaking a rule regarding the filing of a motion. Let me be abundantly clear: This is dealing with a clerical issue only. I didn’t follow a rule that I didn’t know about...and that’s no excuse. (No matter how dumb the rule may be).
As I am staring this unfamiliar process in the face, I’ve come to realize that I can go about this one of three ways:
"Your Honor, I made a mistake and I have no excuse. I should have known the rules before acting and I did not. I am at the mercy of the Court."
"Your Honor, the rule that you have sought to sanction me for is asinine at best. The fact that you’ve wasted my time to chastise me for this questionable mistake leads me to believe that you are not a jurist, but a kindergarten teacher that happens to wear a robe. You’re lucky I actually showed up to this hearing."
"Contempt? You have to be F***ing kidding me. What the f*** am I doing here? One other thing, you’re a joke. And so is your toupee. I think I should hold your baldness in contempt. Lord knows all of us do. "
[Five minutes later] "Uhh...Deputy, I want my phone call."
If you don’t here from me again, you can guess I went with “The fun way”
Thursday, January 06, 2011
How to tell someone there is no case without saying that there is no case
Every day, I get a call from a money seeking potential client that thinks that they have the next lottery ticket case. Unfortunately, these people are dead set on cashing in on their fake payday and they do not like when their parade gets rained on. Especially when they have as much of a case as Rod Blagojevich does against the government.
This means, if I am the bad guy, I’m going to get yelled at.
I don’t like getting yelled at.
Thus, in the last three years, I’ve developed a few easily stated cop-outs that will allow you to end the phone call/client meeting/email conversation
- I’m sorry, you are looking at a very specialized legal action and we aren’t specialized enough to handle that sort of matter. Unfortunately, I don’t have someone that I can refer you to.
- I hate to say this, but the statute of limitations has expired and there isn’t anything anyone can do.
- That’s an interesting fact pattern; you should talk with a civil rights attorney.
- We aren’t licensed in the jurisdiction.
- Unfortunately, we don’t have the time to commit to this sort of litigation.
- Based on the facts that you have given me, it wouldn’t be worth hiring an attorney. I’d recommend handling this one on your own.
- The sort of action that you are looking to engage in is quite costly and we are not in a position that we can commit the resources or the people to the case that you want to pursue. I recommend calling the Bar Association lawyer referral program.
- I'm sorry, I'm just not that into you.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
You are not raining on my 2011 parade
The day has gone like this:
- Spilled coffee on myself chasing after a woman that left a bunch of papers in Starbucks. (No good deed goes unpunished)
- Was called disrespectful, unprofessional and an asshole by two different clients in separate phone calls (“gripe fests”) due to my partner not calling them back. (Thanks boss)
- Cut myself (on the joint of my finger) while finalizing a settlement demand packet, bled all over the demand packet and could only stop the bleeding with a Barbie Band-Aid. (The bloody demand was still sent...take that claims adjustor!)
- Was informed I violated a bankruptcy court rule regarding the disclosure of protected personal information by opposing counsel. (Ignorance is excuse, right?)
- And was served with a sua sponte motion telling me I get to show why I shouldn’t be held in contempt of court. ("Your honor, I stewpid, don't jail me")
Monday, January 03, 2011
Maybe he died because he wanted to escape you?
Caller: I want to sue my fiancé’s surgeon.
Me: Why don’t you tell me what happened?
Caller: I was visiting my fiancé at the hospital. I left and when I came back the next day, he had surgery and had died. That’s malpractice!
Me: What did the doctor do wrong?
Caller: I have no idea. I know that he was fine when I left. I know that they never asked my permission to do the surgery. They just took him into surgery and then he died. That’s malpractice right there!
Me: Was your fiancé in a coma?
Caller: No.
Me: Was your fiancé mentally ill or disabled?
Caller: No.
Me: Was your fiancé lucid and mentally competent when you left?
Caller: Yes. He and I were making wedding plans before I left.
Me: It would seem that he made the decision to go into surgery on his own, wouldn’t it?
Caller: The doctor shouldn’t let him done that. That’s malpractice.
Me: Setting this aside, why did he die?
Caller: They said something about organ failure. That’s makes no sense. His organs were fine when I left him!
