Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Three Ways to tell a Judge that I shouldn’t be held in contempt

I’ve got to go before a judge today and explain why I shouldn’t be held in contempt for breaking a rule regarding the filing of a motion. Let me be abundantly clear: This is dealing with a clerical issue only. I didn’t follow a rule that I didn’t know about...and that’s no excuse. (No matter how dumb the rule may be).

As I am staring this unfamiliar process in the face, I’ve come to realize that I can go about this one of three ways:

The Smart Way

"Your Honor, I made a mistake and I have no excuse. I should have known the rules before acting and I did not. I am at the mercy of the Court."

The Wrong Way

"Your Honor, the rule that you have sought to sanction me for is asinine at best. The fact that you’ve wasted my time to chastise me for this questionable mistake leads me to believe that you are not a jurist, but a kindergarten teacher that happens to wear a robe. You’re lucky I actually showed up to this hearing."

The Fun Way

"Contempt? You have to be F***ing kidding me. What the f*** am I doing here? One other thing, you’re a joke. And so is your toupee. I think I should hold your baldness in contempt. Lord knows all of us do. "

[Five minutes later] "Uhh...Deputy, I want my phone call."

If you don’t here from me again, you can guess I went with “The fun way”

UPDATE: I was not held in contempt. I live to violate a longstanding court rule another day!