Fortune teller at law

When I first got into the practice of law, I had what I now see as misconceptions about how you deal with clients. Namely, how a lawyer works to shape his or her client’s expectations as to what may or may not happen at the next court hearing, oral argument or trial.

This leads me to three truths about being a lawyer:

1) Lawyers never know what will happen next. (Despite being paid to do exactly this)
2) Lawyers plan for the worst. (Hoping for the best can be billed while sitting on the toilet)
3) Lawyers will always let the client believe they know exactly what is about to happen.

I’ve spent the better part of the last week preparing for a mediation where the clients tend to be quite demanding. Included in the preparation has included multiple discussions with my partner about my discussions with the opposing counsel:

Me: He said that they are looking to resolve this case.
Partner: But how did he say it?

My partner and I spent the next hour breaking down every single word used in the 55 second conversation and then we moved on to the inflection, the pace of speech and the tone of the attorney to determine what his bottom-line position really is on the eve of this mediation. Our conclusion: “They are looking to resolve this case.” We are educated tea-leaf readers.

The good thing is that we can be dead on, balls accurate and present the client with a precise “what is about to happen scenario” down to a specific settlement figure.

Without hesitation, the client will then tell us to politely f*** off.

Greed is good. Greed works. Unless you are Greed’s lawyer

Monday started off on the right note as I got to work early, went to Court, got coffee and settled in for an afternoon of paperwork. This positive weekly start was only going to be interrupted by a former client:

Client: Hey. We have a problem.
Me: What’s that?
Client: We need to go back to court.
Me: Why?
Client: I was just told that the settlement release that I signed means I can’t get any more money from my case.
Me: You signed that six months ago.
Client: So?

Anyone want to teach my clients to read, listen and think? Anyone?

Best client ever

My friend is an attorney. He deals in matrimonial law and things like that that I just don't understand:

Friend: I had a client come into my office today.
Me: Like most days...
Friend: She was crying.
Me: Like what I just said.
Friend: She just got arrested.
Me: That happens.
Friend: She asked me to talk to her husband.
Me: So?
Friend: She wanted me to tell her husband why she got arrested.
Me: Why's that?
Friend: Prostitution.

I've spent the last two days begging to be in the room when this meeting happens.

Thoughts on Written Discovery: Describing the Injury

I hate working on discovery, specifically I hate working on our client's answers to interrogatories in a personal injury case. Namely because the client does not under how to appropriately answer a question like "State your name, address and current occupation". In other words, the client gives me a steaming pile from the dog and I am forced to turn it into gold.

Or at least something resembling English.

One of the standard questions is to describe the injuries that the Plaintiff suffered. It's not rocket science. Or at least I didn't think so until I had one client give me 12 single spaced pages detailing her injuries in excruciating (and irrelevant) detail. None of which could be disclosed to the other side at this point in the litigation process. I can't have defense counsel discover the total sum of crazy that my client possesses. Thus, I had to re-write and re-focus her answer.

Thankfully, I was able to do so without too much effort. I turned her twelve page narrative into:

I suffered injuries to my neck and back. Investigation continues.

Succinct and accurate all the while allowing for a brain aneurism that happens six months from now to be appropriately related back to this simple slip and fall. Everything else can be left to a deposition. Interrogatories won't win you the case, they can, however, cost you dearly.

But the clients never understand that.

After I sent the final draft of the interrogatories to the client to sign (mind you, I had already sent them off to opposing counsel), I ended up spending two weeks dealing with the drama of how I failed to accurately portray the pain and suffering. She threaten to fire my firm (unfortunately, she did not).

These are the things that I deal with on a daily basis. For those of you that haven’t experienced this sort of fun, I want to give you a screen shot of one my client’s answers to this simple question:


In full disclosure, my client is an isosceles triangle...

Clerks

Circuit Court of Cook County

Me: I’m looking for a little help on this filing…
Clerk: I’m on my lunch break.
Me: But…
Clerk: Lunch. Break.

Northern District of Illinois

Me: I’m looking for a little help on this filing…
Clerk: Let me help you with that (looks at it) this will be no problem…

Northern District of Alabama

Me: I’m looking for a little help on this filing…
Clerk: Ok, this should be no problem. (Rattles off three simple steps to follow). Now you have also file your Pro Hac Vice Application.
Me: Um. Uh…
Clerk: Go to the website, on the left side, three quarters of the way down, click on the instructions. (Waits for me) Now enter your information on this form (Waits for me again). All set?
Me: Yes ma’am.
Clerk: Now, what was your last name again?
Me: P-A-M-B-Y
Clerk: Mr. Pamby, I am going to head over to attorney services to make sure that you get expedited. Now, if you have any trouble with your actual filing, let me give you my direct line.
Me: Thanks for everything.
Clerk: But I am going to be leaving in about 20 minutes for the day. Let me also give you my cell phone number, my assistant’s number and my co-worker’s number. If you can’t get a hold of me, one of them will be able to help you out right away.

Time to move to Alabama. And take a job from this guy.

The Bastard Case is Dead, long live the Bastard Case

One of the first cases I was assigned three years ago has finally settled.

If you couldn’t tell from the title of this post, I have spent three years ignoring this case. Seriously ignoring this case.

There were multiple motions to reinstate the case…because someone forgot about the court date. All the while, the defense firms ignored all of my settlement demands, suggestions of bad faith activities and my overall general snark. My interest in resolving this by means other than self-induced Alzheimers only appeared when I thought I was going to get yelled at by the Judge.

In my defense, the client kind of forgot about the case.

Up until last week, the first time I actually had a conversation (with an attorney from the opposing counsel’s office) about this case was…um…never. These are the joys of dealing with a substandard insurance company. Out of the blue comes a call from the new defense firm. The third defense firm in the last 18 months. “Hey, what will it take to settle this?”

The bastard case is no longer. Now, I just need to find a new case to ignore, abuse and generally forget.

Or not.

Pride goeth, I splatteth

A couple of months ago I interviewed at another firm in the city. It was a solid interview but I didn't get an offer. I wasn't going to take the offer had it come, but I always like having options.

As this is a small town trapped in a big city, I now have a case where the partner I interviewed with is the lead opposing counsel. Due to my pride, I was determined to leave an impression on this attorney. I took charge in front of the judge, mapped out the coming events in the case and got the court to enter the order that I was looking to get. Since I was taking charge, I drafted the order.

And promptly wrote down the wrong date and time.

That'll show them.

Nine years ago at about this time, I was watching Sportscenter...

...Then I got a call from home.

Switch to the news. "What channel?" It doesn't matter.

My father, a United Airlines pilot, had left the night before on a flight to Europe. It was one of those things that you had to figure that he was fine: He's a Marine aviator, with a penchant for being right, stubborn and always in charge. He'd make the wings fall off before he let some asshole take his plane from him. But until you knew that he had landed safely, you just weren't sure.

Nine years ago, at about this time, the world hadn't changed.

Then I saw the second plane go in live on television.

And life changed forever.

Effics Qviz

A lot of people got their MPRE results this week (I’m looking at you, the newly deemed effical, Legally Fabulous and deemed effical in two jurisdictions, BL1Y). For everyone that passes with no room to spare (Legally Fab) and the assholes that studied 32 points too many (BL1Y), there is someone that you know that is going to have to take the test again.

I want to jump start your preparation with a few things that most likely was missed in that handy hornbook of yours from scenes from a lawyers office.

Question 1: Conflict of Interests

Client A and Client B were involved in an accident together. In full disclosure, Client B has one additional case with your firm that is going to settle tomorrow for more than $100,000. But today, Clients A and B are arrested for Crime X. You receive the call from the criminal attorney informing you that Client A is rolling over on Client B implicating her in a massive insurance fraud scam. What do you do?

A) I am a civil attorney that slept through professional responsibility. What the F*** do I know?
B) When does that contingency fee pay me?
C) No habla Ingles. (*A menos que usted sea el ajustador de seguro.)
D) Fire Client B. With a sad face.
E) Let your partner make the decision. This is way above your pay grade.

Question 2: Meritorious Claims

You have spent six months investigating Client A’s alleged accident. You have determined that the case is worth, at most, nuisance value because liability just cannot be proven. You communicate this with the client and tell them that you cannot continue as their attorney. Your client is disinclined to acquiesce with your request. What do you do next?

A) You file the case because your client believes in you. And his mob contacts will make you believe in you.
B) You file the case because your client repeatedly strokes your ego telling you that “you can do it, I know you can, you can be the best attorney in town.”
C) Did I mention the mob contacts?
D) Fire the client. With a Mambo Italiano sad face.
E) Let your partner make the decision. He can deal with the client’s mob contacts.

Question 3: Duty to Report Unethical Conduct

Opposing counsel has brought an action against your client. Despite her claims that she has many “theories” as to what your client “did” to the Plaintiff, the complaint is simple and based on one legal theory. Unfortunately (for her), the law at issue in the complaint is inapplicable to your client and will be dismissed as legally insufficient. In an effort to help her out and save her the embarrassment, you address this issue with her. She refuses to dismiss (or amend) her cause of action. What do you do?

A) You file your motion to dismiss. Without any fanfare, theatrics or grandstanding.
B) You file your motion to dismiss. Serve her and her client by taking out full page ads in the major newspapers. Personally serve a copy of the motion that is artistically crafted with calligraphy, parchment and in a moleskin cover.
C) Engage opposing counsel in discussion on her “theories” while in front of the judge. As she continues to wax rhapsodic about the evilness of your client, quietly slip on a tinfoil hat.
D) Hire an Plaintiff impersonator to fire the opposing counsel. Wayne Brady style.
E) Let your partner deliver the worst beat-down in the history of motion practice. Covertly videotape and post on the firm website.

Pencils down. Remember, there are no wrong answers.

Differing perspectives: A true story

The Client’s Perspective

I slipped, I fell and I was in so much pain that I had to stay in the hospital. As a result of my fall, I had open heart surgery and there are $300,000 of unpaid medical bills.

My life has been ruined because this accident.

I want a million dollars.

My Perspective

You fell. Maybe.

You had a panic attack. Definitely.

At the hospital, they ran standard tests and found that you had four substantially blocked arteries and rushed you into an emergency quadruple bypass. If it weren’t for your “fall” you would have had a massive heart attack that would have resulted in your death. You are alive today because you had this accident.

You owe the hospital a million dollars.

Dirty coffeepot prevents malpractice

I woke up early this morning thinking about a case I just filed last week. Those of you who've practiced without rear ending the ambulance Plaintiff's litigation, you likely know what I was experiencing: the "Oh shit" feeling.

This case got filed on Friday because our firm never wants to mess with the statute of limitations. The feeling, however, originates from the fact that the case walked in the door last Monday. Meaning, we didn't get to really dot all of our I's nor cross all of our T's (read: our private investigator was on vacation) thus, we were not sure of all the proper defendants when we filed the complaint. (We had a good idea, but...we weren't 100% sure...hold your surprise)

Enter 5:45 this morning when I can't fall back sleep due to my oh shit feeling.

Enter 5:48 in the morning when I discover both of my coffee pots are dirty.

I need coffee. I need it fast. Thus, time to drive to get coffee. It just so happens that the case that I just filed deals with a coffee shop that is nearby my house. I drive, I arrive, I look around and I order coffee. I see nothing that helps my case.

But...as I wait for the coffee, I see a sign with a company name. A company that is not named in the lawsuit we just filed. Time to amend the complaint, drink my coffee and let the boss know we dodged a potential bullet.

It may suck to work on a holiday (especially before seven in the morning) but it sucks a hell of a lot more to blow the statute of limitations and find out when the Motion to Dismiss arrives at your office four months from now.

Happy Labor Day. I'm going back to bed with no more oh shit feeling.

If I did what I wanted…

I would conclude certain letters with “Please have the settlement check issued immediately. Shitbag.”

I would dispense with the formality around judges I do not like. “Gavel banging law groupie”

I would find creative formalities for judges that like me. “As you wish, your high and mighty lawfulness”

But I don’t. And that’s why I am still licensed, employed and contempt citation free.