The Snarky Lawyer Returns: Discovery Disputes

I have one case that is beginning the discovery phase of the litigation. My client is a corporation and we are suing another corporation for fucking up our chi a myriad of legitimate business reasons regarding my client’s relationship with Acme Steel.

When the litigation began in this case, we had certain snippets of documents that we believed, if seen in total, would make our case. In our minds (fancy schmancy lawyering minds) once we got the documents, they would want to settle.

The requests for documents that were sent out were very specific. Like incredibly specific: “The memorandum issued by John Smith on 1/1/2007 re: Acme Steel and the Plaintiff” and “the contract between Defendant and Acme Steel.” [For the non-lawyers reading this, we typically issue broad based discovery like “Any and all documents relating to John Smith” or “All contracts that the Defendant has entered into. Ever.”]

Today, after a long delay, I received the Defendant’s response. The envelope sat neatly on my desk, I happily tore it open, realized that it was awfully brief in content and began to read:

Plaintiff’s Production Request #1: The memorandum issued by John Smith on 1/1/2007 re: Acme Steel and The Plaintiff.

Defendant’s Response: Defendant objects to this production request as it is overly broad.

All of their responses were exactly the same. And there was not a single document produced with it. Cue my sad face.

The Illinois Supreme Court believes that lawyers should work out their discovery differences. Because, as one judge once told me, he doesn’t like dealing with this bullshit. Thus, I am drafting my letter aimed at resolving this discovery dispute:

Dear Counsel:

I understand that you are a complete and total moron and I forgive you for that.

I’ve enclosed a copy of the definition of broad for your reference. I’ve also enclosed a copy of my discovery requests. Please comply in full within seven days of this letter.

I prefer to leave the Court out of this little discovery tiff, but if you fail to fully comply, I will bring the Court in on this. And you will have to explain to the judge, a packed courtroom full of your colleagues and a court reporter that I’ll bring along how asking for a specific relevant document is “overly broad.” I’m sure that the entire courtroom full of lawyers will be sympathetic to your plight and not laugh at you. However, I must warn you, the court reporter might not be able to keep a straight face.

I look forward to reviewing your produced documents.

Very truly yours,

Namby Pamby
Enclosures

Hack lawyers annoy me.

Odd, Funny and Fabulous: Overheard in the Courthouse Elevator

The scene opens in a jammed elevator going down from one of the top floors of the Daley Center. A group of attorneys force their way into the car and strike up a conversation.

Male Attorney: I like your shirt. Seems festive.
Female Attorney: I’m wearing green in celebration of Notre Dame’s win over BC.
Male Attorney: What’s “BC”?
Female Attorney: Boston College.
Male Attorney: Is this a sports thing?
Female Attorney: Football.
Male Attorney: I’m gay.
Female Attorney: So?
Male Attorney: These sports things just go right over my head.

The rest of the elevator spends the remainder of the descent in silence collectively asking “Huh?” and praying that they don’t start to giggle.

If your client was your significant other…

As attorneys, we have relationships with clients. Some of these are good, some of them are bad, and then the rest vary in between. The parallels between the professional relationship and the personal relationship are telling. At least I think so:

The Basic Personal Injury Client: A College Sophomore dating a High School Freshman. There is little to no intellectual connection between the two. The High Schooler worships the ground that the college student walks on, but as the time goes by, the college student cares less and less. Until they only care one-third.

Immigration Client: Think ‘hot foreign exchange student’ with the sexy accent. Then you get to know them and their intimate details. As the relationship develops, and the nose dive begins, their flaws begin to annoy the hell out of you. They think that by having you, the attorney, that they don’t need anything else. As your relationship progresses, and the client fails to pay her bills or do what she is told you openly question if this person really deserves to stay in the country. You stay together for a little while longer, but, at the end of the day, this was a relationship based on lust mutual wants.

Divorce Client: Rebound relationship.

Catastrophic Personal Injury Client: This is your first true love. You fall deeply in love with this client and she is your end all, be all. This is like the relationship that starts one day and by day 15, you are de facto living together: seven figure contingency fees dance in your head as you work non-stop to prepare this case for settlement and/or trial. And just as quickly as it began, it ends. You are a changed person usually for the better after this client, wiser, wealthier and more focused on how to improve your future relationships. You will look back on her as the ‘one that got away’ but as the one that set your standards for the rest of your clients.

Residential Real Estate Client: Think online dating. Lots of communication about a shared vision, but none of this happens face to face. Then, finally, the first face to face meeting occurs. There are some sparks but nothing serious. The closing is a success, but there is no long term future here. You remain friends and maybe will get together again in five or ten years time. But the same fate will result.

Corporate Litigation Client: The dominating individual who ‘wears the pants in the relationship.’ Nothing you do will satisfy this client. You will be constantly seeking their approval, yet you will get nothing but intellectual and emotional abuse. Their business savvy will trump reason, common sense and your legal education. They are always right. In order to get them to see the light, you have lie through your teeth to focus the truth so that they believe that they came up with the ideas that you have carefully crafted. People will stay in these relationships because they are convenient and you occasionally get what you need.

Probate Client: Necrophilia disgusts me.

The Habitual Criminal Client: This is the guy that constantly cheats on their significant other but keeps getting taken back. The attorney knows that they have a bad streak in them, but they are going to change (and the attorney thinks that they will be the one to change them). All of your friends look at you and wonder, “Why do you think they will change?” but you see the good in them. And you will be there to bring it out in them. Or be there to remind the judge during the sentencing mitigation phase of all of the good in them.

Corporate Transactional Clients: This is The One. You both are educated and focused individuals. You love and cherish each other. You both have fervent beliefs in what is right and wrong. You both know your path in life and respect each other. You will occasionally drive each other nuts, but you both know that this is the real thing and it will be a successful, long-term partnership. Except, due to those damn ethic laws, you cannot consecrate the relationship. But that’s why you have a secretary and they have a tennis pro.

And when things turn south with your client, just read what I wrote yesterday. You’ll be fine.

Ending a (client) relationship

I’ve spent the last few minutes staring in front of a blank page on Microsoft Word, I’ve got a file spread in front of me and I know what I have to do. There is nothing worse than the awkward silence that falls over you because you just don’t like being the bearer of bad news. Baby….we need to talk…

I’m not a person that likes to hear about these things but I’m also not one that will tell a client that they are wasting my time. I have to care. This particular case is one where the client calls all of the time to detail the pain, the suffering and overall misery that she is going through. It’s a sob story. Really it is. You are such an amazing woman…you deserve the best.

But, I can’t and my firm can’t retain clients that don’t have a case. If we were charging two-hundred fifty dollars an hour to act as counselors therapists maybe we could keep her on board. But, we’ve concluded our due diligence and there is no liability for anyone. It’s not you, it’s me.

It’s an accident where she is at fault. Working on contingency says that this is a no brainer. I don’t want to hold you back from the great things that you can accomplish in your life…

Thus, I stare at the screen, realizing that I must fire this client. My firm has a form letter for this, but that just feels cold. Sweetie, you have been an inspiration to me…

But I only have so many free minutes in the day and my prose for this letter will not assist the bottom line. Thus, I open the form letter. I love you, but I’m not in love with you…

These things always happen when the Partner is out of communication range

It's 2pm, I’ve just returned from a CLE, I’m thinking about grabbing lunch, and the phone rings:

Corporate Client Executive (C.C.E.): The CEO has asked if you can send us everything by 3pm
Me: Um…What are you talking about?
C.C.E: The non-disclosure agreement.
Me: You never contacted me about this.
C.C.E.: Oh.
Me: Yeah.
C.C.E.: Can you send us a Non-Disclosure Agreement by 3pm?
Me: I suppose. Is it going to be a short-form or long form NDA?
C.C.E.: The CEO didn’t tell me.
Me: Well, what area of your business will it be used for?
C.C.E.: I don’t know. But we need it by 3pm.

53 minutes later, the NDA was sent out.

It's a good Sunday afternoon

The guys have conglomerated to watch football all day. We have watched one of our collected gents favorite teams get pounded by the Saints. We watched Tommy Brady pick apart Tennessee (and my fantasy team). And we have prepared steak for the grill in anticipation of the Bears evening.

We are masculine.

And there is one Canadian amongst us: "I was born a Bears fan. I loved the '85 Bears. I remember watching them in their World Series game." [For full disclosure's sake, he does hold dual citizenship.]

Go Bears!

Enough is enough: I’m done with this crap[per]

For me, the office constitutional is a sacred ritual that occurs throughout the work week: I stand, I leave the office, enter the same stall and return after having played solitaire on my iPhone 15 minutes later. This is how the constitutional works. No one should mess with it.

However…

Monday, Tuesday and Thurday, I began the ritualistic process and walked into the bathroom…only to find my sacred porcelain throne violated by an individual. His violation of the laws of man: having left the area after having rendered the fixture unusable unless tended to with a plunger.

Having discussed this with another attorney, who also expressed disgust by the blatant disregard to the mores and norms of the men’s washroom, we decided that action must be taken. I authored a brief note and have posted it in the area in question:


I'm begging you. For the sake of Constitutions everywhere.

The Ups of the Pre-Coffee Court Calls

Court before I have my coffee is usually nothing I look forward to. I like walking into the Starbucks, getting my latte, stumbling to my office and slowly beginning the workday. I don’t need to be sharp to write lawyerishingly. Or answer the phone lawyerishingly. My habit is to refrain from getting coffee before a court call starting at anytime before 10. I don’t want to rush the sacred imbibement of caffeine. Because I tend to spill.

With coffee, I can be Clarence Darrow in the Courtroom, without coffee, I am Clarence Thomas in the Courtroom.

But the pre-coffee court call is not always bad. Sometimes, yes, you will get the judge from hell or the opposing counsel from hell yet other times you will emerge from courtroom more awake, smiling and with a spring in your step. These are a few of the things that brighten my early court calls:

1. The Self-Deprecating Jurist. This judge will start the morning making fun of himself, “Before they let me become a judge, I had to take a class in pronouncing names…but I flunked.” I feel a lot more confident about whatever is about to happen in my case when the judge is cracking wise about this that or the other thing. “Counsel, I recognize that you practice in Chicago, but out here, the Court actually reads everything you send our way…I understand that may come as a shock to you.”

2. The Cage Match. This is a contentious multi-party action where they are years behind in discovery and as soon as two of the seven (or so attorneys) show up in the courtroom, they begin their attempts to secure the dominant role: “She cancelled the deposition last time for no reason, Steve’s office cancelled it the time before that and now we cannot reach a freaking agreement!” The response comes swift: “Lisa went into labor, Steve died, you cancelled it the time before because you were in Tahiti!” The rest of the Courtroom is listening to this pissing match and thanking God that they are not involved in a case like this all the while laughing quietly at the various attorneys involved. It’s even more entertaining when they begin to bicker and moan while the entire lot of them is standing uncomfortably before the judge…

3. The Inappropriately Dressed Lawyer. Also known as the second string offensive tackle, dressed in a mini-skirt, hooker-boots, and a dress jacket that has buttons on the verge of becoming dangerous projectiles. It’s like watching a train wreck from the moment she pops up from her seat and makes her way to the bench. “I am a professional lawyer by day and in the oldest profession by night…”

4. Leeway. The biggest thing I hate about early calls is that more often then not, I am presenting a case where we are no longer on schedule. Meaning the judge will be less than happy. Nothing will get me energized early in the morning when the judge shrugs off my lackadaisical approach to the case and gives me more time to get stuff done.

Now that I’ve waxed whimsical about the rare joys of an early court call, I’ve just sentenced myself to horrid morning court appearances…

Upon which I have a conversation with an opponent of tort reform

Caller: I want to sue my doctor!
Me: Why don’t you tell me why you think your doctor needs to be sued…
Caller: I went to the doctor and he didn’t tell me what I had.
Me: What do you ‘have’?
Caller: Scabs.
Me: Scabs?
Caller: SCABS! S-c-a-b-e-s. Scabs!
Me: Scabes. Gotcha.
Caller: HE DIDN’T TELL ME WHAT I HAD AND NOW IT’S GOTTEN WORSE! HE GAVE ME MEDICINE BUT HE DIDN’T TELL ME WHAT I HAD!! I AM MAD!
Me: I understand your frustrations, but there is no reason to yell. It is only nine in the morning.
Caller: I believe that this is a terminal disease. I can feel it in my brain! This doctor has killed me!
Me: He gave you medicine?
Caller: Yes. But I lost it.
Me: Did you go back to him to ask him to replace it?
Caller: No.
Me: Did you go to another doctor and ask for a replacement prescription?
Caller: No.
Me: Your doctor gave you a prescription but didn’t tell you what it was for?
Caller: Yes!
Me: And you didn’t ask?
Caller: No.
Me: And you want to sue your doctor?
Caller: Yes sir!

I do great things when away from Chicago

This is my rental car:


The wedding is several hours away. That means the open container law will be used to our advantage.

All my bags aren't packed but I'm ready to go...I'm leaving on a jet plane...

I go on vacation tomorrow.

I go for Daisy’s destination wedding of fun. I go for The Enabler’s Golf Day before wedding Daisy. I go because I need a vacation. To say that I am a little burned out is the understatement of the year: this will be my first workday that I’ve taken off since the third week of January.

I am tired. I am worn out. And I need some time away from the office.

Daisy and The Enabler: This is going to be a great time. I’m happy for both of you. You two make a great couple. Congratulations!

As my wedding gift, I want to remind you that my date is a professional hitwoman for unhappy spouses family law attorney, just in case you need any legal advice. [Kidding!]

Now, is it time to leave yet?

Five Postmortem Notes on the Chicago Olympic Bid

1. Mayor Daley didn’t take enough lessons from his Father and stuff the damn ballot box. Imagine the IOC President announcing the vote tallies: “Number of Eligible ballots 94. Number of Eligible Votes cast 3948…”

2. The Olympics will be in Rio de Crimenero. In Rio, guns don’t kill people, the Cops do. Or the druglords.

3. The Chicagoans for Rio are happy. The Chicagoans for 7 years of fixing shit with lots of graft, overruns and taxpayer expense (a.k.a. business as usual) are sad. The Chicagoans for a Cubs World Series will just keep on waiting.

4. Kanye weighed in with pith, elegance and a bottle of Cognac: “I’m really happy for you, I’m gonna let you finish, but Chicago had one of the best Olympic Bids of all time.”

5. Do you think that the IOC voters giggled when they said "And now without further delay, the President of the National of Brasil, The Honorable Lulu..."

I'm going to need a ruling on this...

I have Olympic Fever.

Or is it Swine Flu?

--
Chicago sports history comes through! No new El. No Olympic Soccer. Sad.