When life gives you lemons, appeal until you get lemonade and vodka

“I have nothing further…”

Once those words were echoed yesterday, I was 100% confident that I had just won a defense verdict. Then the verdict came back.

And I lost. Big time.

This case was a he said vs. he said that was going to be won or lost on the credibility of the parties. The Defendant (my client) was solid. He presented his story, held up on cross and delivered a solid account with every prior statement he had given.

The Plaintiff on the other hand had a wicked case of the I-make-sh**-up’s.

My belief is that the Plaintiff’s lawyer got him infected with this fatal disease. The Plaintiff’s direct examination was too well rehearsed and the details created were damning to my case, but not unbelievable enough to raise the red flags with the fact finder. Out come the photos of the scene and the Plaintiff’s deposition transcript and solid impeachment spews forth from my mouth.

The Plaintiff’s testimony at trial and the deposition were at major odds with each other. The Plaintiff’s testimony at trial was at odds with the photographic evidence. The Plaintiff’s testimony at trial was at odds with common sense, physics and human nature. The Plaintiff was pissed off at me as I hammered him on cross and the general demeanor only got worse as the proceeding progressed.

The Plaintiff was a liar. Simple. Strung up by his glaring inconsistencies and departure from a believable reality, I had him dead to right. And my close put forth these arguments. It was a solid closing arugment and I felt as if I had the courtroom eating out of my hand. The Plaintiff’s rebuttal was weak and scattershot. I had it. I felt it.

Then, as I said above, the verdict came back. My partners don’t understand it. They looked at the evidence, looked at my arguments and reached the same conclusion. The advice was simple: you either have a situation where you needed to work harder or needed to go drink. I was pointed to the bar.

Oh well. Time to get back on the horse.

When faced with stress, I get slap happy and incoherent

I’m in the final throes of prepping for trial. And the world is caving in around me:

• I just found out that the court reporter didn’t transcribe the vital transcript (where the ghost of Clarence Darrow made an appearance) for tomorrow's jurisprudential battle. [I'm thinking of bluffing impeachment with a deposition transcript from a different case]
• In another case, seems that the new in-house term for the key witnesses that establish liability is “assclowns”. The assclowns are in a high stakes game of "stupidity" and, as such, our reliance on them could cost us the "case". [New strategy: character attack on the opposing litigant]
• Finally, a new client with a great case walked in the door today. The statute of limitations runs tomorrow. [It's not like I need time to craft a viable pleading...but still]

I may be up the crick without a piddle as (I am sitting at a blank legal pad and this blog post) as all motivation has left me. I am pondering if I am charging into a verdict for the other side the valley of death as one of 600.

The case argument is simple: The other a--hole hit us. Because I am a lawyer and not a pro se litigant on Judge Judy, I have to clean it up a bit. Thus my argument is simple, yet respectful: “Your Honor, The defendant ran the light, violated the right of way and hit the Plaintiff. And the a--hole should be made to pay.”

But that’s one sentence. And one sentence does not a case make.

It’s going to be a late night.

Case of the Mondays

I'm passing the time in court right now on my iPad: trial prep, billing and emails to and from the office (read: games, Twitter & web surfing). But now I'm 70 minutes into a probate call that seems to have no end. And my case is at that mysterious end.

I was late getting here thanks to awesome traffic, no parking in the courthouse lot, no attorney security bypass line, incompetent TSA wannabes manning the security checkpoints and an over-served bladder.

It's bad when all I have to look forward to is the 90 minutes in the car I have as soon as this court call is complete.

Needless to say this Monday is going awesomely.

Money buys lawyer a headache

Me: Did you get the contract?
Client: Yeah, but I didn’t read it yet.
Legalese gives me a headache
Me: Me too!
Client: I pay you for it to not give you a headache.
Me: Just because you pay me, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t give me a headache.

How to piss off a corporate defense lawyer

Opposing counsel: I'll have you know that my client Is growing tired of this ongoing "exercise".
Me: I think you want me to say I'm sorry... But I'm not.
Opposing counsel: (If looks could kill, I'd be dead)
Me: This is the litigation process, delays happen. You know that, I know that and I am not going to apologize for a fact of life.
Opposing counsel: (Genocide stare)

A while later in front of the judge:

Me: Your honor, opposing counsel and I were just outside working out an agreed order.
Judge: I love hearing that the two sides are talking.

If he only knew...

Basterdizing the English Language: By the Numbers

The General Theme: Crate falls on man. Man hurt. Man sues.

Hours until the Statute of Limitations runs out: 28.
Complaints Needed: 1
Words used to identify the crate: 36 (In one sentence)
Words used to say why the crate fall was negligence: 298
Defendant’s failings: 22
Defendant’s acts of carelessness: 7
Defendant needs a hug after I get done writing this: Yes.
The number of times I am reminded that I am writing about Res Ipsa Loquitur: Once every 24.3 seconds
Number of violations alleged of the Illinois Premises Liability Act: 15
Why only 15: I got lazy.
Number of paragraphs with the phrase “On or about”: 13
Number of paragraphs in the complaint: 24
Number of Counts contained in the complaint: 2
Number of sentences with the word “and” three or more times contained in it: 4
Total Number of times ‘and’ and ‘or’ is used in this complaint: 217
Total Words: 2129

Friday Night Weeezdom

If a coworker asks to borrow your phone and uses 411 without asking, what is the appropriate level of indignation to bestow on said chap? What if it was a partner?

A client wants me to date her daughter. I think that's good.

The more expensive the wine, the better the Doritos taste with them.

ATM Legal

Caller: Is this the way to get cash?
Me: No, this is a law firm.
Caller: I thought if I called you, you would tell me how to get cash.
Me: Not so much.
Caller: That’s bulls***!
Me: Sorry.

So you wanna sue somebody? Let’s draft a slip and fall complaint!

Step One: Insert initial boilerplate language

First Paragraph: NOW COMES the Plaintiff, by and through her attorneys, Dewey Fuckem & Howe, with her complaint against the Defendant and complains as follows:

Step Two: Find a plaintiff, defendant and jurisdiction and write your first two paragraphs

1. At all relevant times, the Plaintiff Jane Doe-Smith, was a resident of the State of Illinois. (Hereafter the “Plaintiff”)
2. At all relevant times, the Defendant Big Evil Corporation with Insurance (Hereafter sometimes referred to as the “Hapless Money Bags that’ll pay my 1/3rd Contingency Fee” or “Defendant”) was a business entity doing business in the State of Illinois.
3. At all relevant times, the Defendant owned and operated a business in Chicago, Illinois. (Hereafter the “place where Plaintiff was a klutz” or the “premises”)

Step Three: Find something ominous that happened to the Plaintiff. Add legalese on a greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350 for 18 minutes. Cool before serving:

4. On or about January 15, 2010, Defendant Big Evil Corporation with Insurance had a dooty to exercise ordinary care in the operation, maintenance and upkeep of the premises so that it would be reasonably safe for persons lawfully on it, such as the Plaintiff.
5. On or about January 15, 2010, Plaintiff was lawfully on the premises.

Step Four: What did your client slip on? If you don’t know, be vague. If do know, be vague.

6. On or about January 15, 2010, there was an unnatural accumulation of a foreign substance on the premises in and around the area where the Plaintiff was walking.

Step Five: Blame the employees for not fixing the problem. But do so that you can keep your law license if you find out your client is full of it.

7. Upon information and believe, the Defendant Big Evil Corporation’s Minions (hereafter referred to as “employees or agents”) attempted to clear the unnatural accumulation of a foreign substance from the area where the Plaintiff was walking.
8. On or about January 15, 2010, Defendant’s employees or agents failed to remove the unnatural accumulation of a foreign substance from the areas where the Plaintiff was walking.
9. Defendant’s employees and agents, knew or should have known that there was an unnatural accumulation of a foreign substance in around the area where the Plaintiff was walking.
10. On or about January 15, 2010, while the Plaintiff was lawfully on the premises, she became a klutz and slipped and fell because of an unnatural accumulation of a foreign substance.

Step Six: It’s time to talk about a breach of dooty. The more dooty breached, the better.

11. On or about January 15, 2010, the Defendant breached its dooties and was negligent in one or more of the following ways:
a. Carelessly and negligently allowed the Plaintiff to do a triple axle, double loop in aisle nine;
b. Carelessly and negligently allowed its insurance company to hire a hack claims adjustor;
c. Carelessly, negligently and inexplicably allowed the Plaintiff to have her ambulance chased by counsel;
d. Failed to buy enough roombas to clean its floors and walkways;
e. Failed to hire the Janitor from Scrubs; and
f. Defendant was otherwise careless, negligent and/or fucked some shit up.

Step Seven: Them fucking up means lawyerman gets paaaaaaiiiiiid. Also known as the direct and proximate link.

12. As a direct and proximate result of one or more of the aforesaid careless and negligent acts and /or omissions on the part of the Defendant and its agents and employees, a portion of the said premises, sidewalks and walkway areas were left in a dangerous condition upon which the Plaintiff slipped and fell causing severe and permanent injuries to herself.

Step Eight: Insert the final boiler plate and ask for a shitton of money.

WHEREFORE, the Plaintiff, respectfully prays that this Honorable Court grant a judgment in her favor and against the Defendant in an amount in excess of $50,000,000, attorneys fees and costs as well as any additional relief that this Court deem proper and just.

Step Nine: Sign, Copy and File.

Prepping for the unsavory details

Time to prepare a client for the upcoming deposition:

Me: What opposing counsel is going to do is try and piss you off. Make you lose it and thus, make you lose the case. The way they are going to do that is try and make you feel guilty about your past. Your past is what it is, nothing you can do to change it. This can’t be used against you, so just tell the truth.
Client: Sounds good.
Me: Just so you are prepared for it, we are going to go through your past...run ins with the law… Looking at the records, you were arrested for drug possession in 2005.
Client: Yep.
Me: You’ve got an assault and battery from early 2006…
Client: I forgot about that.
Me: And you had a resisting arrest, drunk in public and public indecency in late 2006…
Client: (laughs)
Me: Finally, there was the Christmas 2006 DUI.
Client: I had forgotten about that one!
Me: Why’d you do these things?
Client: It happens.
Me: Don’t have anything else to add?
Client: Nope.
Me: You’re going to be great.

Stupid, brilliant or a combination of the three.

Snapshot of the courtroom trapped attorney

Just another day in the courtroom...

8:52: Arrive in the courtroom, find seat and get settled.
8:55: Call out to the assembled masses to see if opposing counsel is present.
8:57: No response from the assembled masses means no agreed order and no quick exit.
9:01: Begin other paper work. On my new iPad.
9:02: First attorney ooos and aaahsss the iPad
9:07: Finish first 30 pages of document review for dep prep
9:15: Continued document review/analysis for dep prep. Interrupted by every third attorney asking about the iPad
9:22: Pro Se defendant in court before the judge. Has an interesting hairdo: half black, half bleach blonde. Iiiiiiiinnnnnteresting.
9:25: Deeply involved in document review when I hear my first case called. Spring out of my seat and bum rush the bench. Opposing counsel showed up late. Back to the documents...
9:38: Second pro se of the day. Dressed like an attorney. Carrying the entire courtfile (likely 300 pages) in a single plastic bag. That looks about the break.
9:50: Opposing counsel on my last case and I conference. We reach an agreement and return to the courtroom to wait for the case call.
9:59: Case is called. From his seat, opposing counsel immediately gets before the judge. From my seat, I stand and get trapped by several attorneys who are standing in my way. I can't make it to the bench without lowering my shoulder and powering through.
10:03: Done with court. Time to meet with the client.

No, not daunting. (Ok, just a little)

I am working on a seven-figure case dealing with a factset that I just do not understand.

I just don’t get the nuances of the facts, I mean I understand why we are suing, I understand the amount of money at issue, but I don’t understand why we win. Or how we can make a case. To add to this fun, I have a horrendous pain in the ass pretentious big law opposing counsel to deal with.

My task is simple: spew foundationless tripe that turns itself into a pre-trial settlement demand.

My problem is complex: I don’t even know how to start bullshitting on this topic.

My motivation is: the court threaten sanctions if I don’t make the deadline.

Oy. Vey.

Dreams dashed (until Thursday)

Duke just bitch slapped Cinderella, forced her to do chores while chained to the couch, stole her glass slippers and sold them on eBay. (Or maybe that's just because that shot at the buzzer didn't go in)

Now all I have to look forward to is the Cubs. No wait. They lost.

Now all I have to look forward to is Manchester United. No wait. They won't win.

Thank goodness I have Tiger Woods. Bring on Augusta.

A chronological timeline of discovery events

The Defendant’s lawyer issues discovery.

The Plaintiff's lazy attorney forgets about it.

The Defendant’s lawyer file a motion to compel Plaintiff’s Lawyers to respond to Defendant’s Discovery

The Plaintiff’s lawyers recognizes the Defendant’s lawyer is a dickd and wait until the day before to respond to the discovery requests. By Messenger. Arriving 3 minutes before the close of business.

The Plaintiff’s lawyer talk to the Plaintiff after responding to discovery.

The Plaintiff’s lawyer learns that there are instant message and e-mail conversations between the Plaintiff and the Defendant.

The Plaintiff’s lawyer read these conversations and discover that they contain the Defendant admitted to fault.

All of the Plaintiff’s lawyers do a little jig of happiness.

The Plaintiff’s lawyer supplement the responses to Defendant’s discovery. (Without drawing any attention to the Defendant’s admissions.)

The Defendant’s lawyer writes the Plaintiff’s lawyer this letter:

Dear Mr. Pamby:

I have received your supplemental response to Plaintiff’s discovery. I have had an opportunity to review the disclosed documents and find them to have no relevancy whatsoever bearing on the issues. What you have just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Quite frankly, I am uncertain why these documents were produced but be advised that I will motion the court in limine to bar production of any of these documents at trial.

Very truly yours,

Opposing counsel

The Plaintiff’s lawyer writes back:

Dear Opposing:

I’m a bit puzzled by your letter. I may be a young attorney, new to this whole “reading” thing. I also know the evidentiary rule of relevance. I’m not sure if it was covered at your law school, but I am also keenly aware of the court’s view on party admissions.

I may be mistaken, but I do believe a party saying “It’s all my fault, I made the mistake and I caused the accident” is relevant, admissible and subject to your production request asking for all statements of the Defendant (FYI: that’s your client)

If you are aware of some law, fact or coherent rambling that says differently, please let me know. I am eager to learn.

Very truly yours,

Namby

The Plaintiff’s lawyer’s partner says no to the snark.

The Plaintiff’s lawyer sends an innocent letter. But punches the buttons of the fax machine with all of that pent up snark.