45 Minutes before trial I was…

Option A: Putting the finishing touches on my closing argument while prepping for an upcoming deposition.

Option B: Reviewing my exhibits, finding out why the hell my client hadn’t shown up yet and jotting notes on what I needed to cover in opening.

Option C: Determined to make opening off the cuff, didn’t care if the client showed up and resigning myself to the fact that my closing argument wasn’t going to be the stuff of legend (but still coherent, compelling and impromptu) and as such spent the time reading every single Glee-related Wikipedia page I could find.

Whatever option you think I picked, I won.

Somewhere a federal judge is laughing at me

I am cramming for trial tomorrow when an e-mail comes in from the United States District Court:

I am delighted to write you this message having acquired your contact through a reliable business source, I am contacting you for a mutual benefiting USD100,000,000.00 business deal, please forgive me for any apprehension it might cause to you. This transaction requires your understanding and cooperation in making sure that the private and confidential nature of the deal is not compromised in any form. Like any other huge transaction, we are definitely going to run into some financial obligations during the propagation stages of this transaction, but I assure you that your investment shall be justified at the end of the day. I am proposing a ratio 50/50 proceed sharing with you, upon conclusion of this transaction. Full details of this transaction would be forwarded to you after receiving your positive response to this business proposal. I will advice you to forward your Telephone and Fax Numbers to me in your reply to this message so that we can open-up communication as soon as I receive your reply.

Kind regards,
D. Y. Smart.

Seriously though, I received this e-mail:

MINUTE ENTRY before Honorable Judge John Doe: This court appoints Namby Pamby of Smith & Jones, LLP as counsel for the Plaintiff. Status date to stand.

I’ve pulled the complaint, I’ve talked with the opposing counsel and I have absolutely no idea what legal grounds my client is attempting to sue on.

This is bad. Very bad.

Tuesday Quick Hits

I hate when I am in the midst of leaving a very detailed voicemail message and I just lose all focus. Like I start rambling in generalities because I can’t remember the point that I was trying to make in the first place. Voicemail dementia is a horrid disease and I suffer from it.

Had an enlightening conversation with a defense attorney today. He didn’t know who his client was or the gender of said client and he didn’t care. The funny part was I didn’t know much more than that. It will be an exciting deposition tomorrow as both attorneys are full of the “ums”.

Turns out that air conditioning is optional, yet not preferred, in the hallways of the Daley Center. However, the courtrooms are backup storage facilities for raw meats.

I’m working on a legal matter for two of my friends. The matter requires a lot of forms to be filled out and on one of them it asks for “Please Provide Any Additional Closing Remarks.” I filled it in pithy style with a “F*** you” and sent the entire form for my friends for review. I wonder if they will catch that ground breaking legal argument when they read it over. [The trick will be not submitting it to the court with that not so subtle wordplay contained in it.]

I have this client who is twice my age and was diagnosed with congenital terminal ugliness. She won’t stop calling me and asking me out. I can’t stop thinking about vomiting. It’s the opposite of win-win.

So that's my day.

12 Steps: A career moment, a crippling hangover and you

Without further adieu, a failsafe plan to take a great deposition while avoiding career suicide:

Step One: Have an incredibly important job related function on a Friday.

This can either be a trial, major deposition, motion argument or the like. It’s importance cannot be understated.

Step Two: Get together with friends for an innocuous dinner on Thursday.

In my case it was the likes of Daisy, her husband and Legally Fabulous. In this step, it is key to stop at the local alcohol provider and find high end alcohol (in our case it was Hendrick’s Gin) on super sale. Purchase. Have said husband announce “Let’s get drunk” or something to that effect. Head to Casa de Libation. Drink.

Step Three: Finish old bottle of Hendrick’s gin (about a quarter bottle), finish new bottle, drink Tequila while Daisy’s husband “catches up” on the gin and tonics. Drink Macallan’s 15 Year Old Single Malt Scotch when Gin runs out. Chase with a beer. Pass out.

Never said I was smart.

Step Four: Shockingly wake up with a hangover as Daisy is making breakfast.

I wanted to die. Then I showered. I still wanted to die, but I was less stanky.

Step Five: Commence boozy walk of shame to the office.

In this case it was a cab ride. I couldn’t walk nor could I stand public transportation. The world was spinning. Perhaps I was still drunk.

Step Six: Arrive at the office without being seen.

It helps when you know your bosses won’t be in until much later in the day. It also helps when you have a friend in the office that kindly tells you that you are covered in the stench of booze. I borrowed his aftershave to cover the gin smell seeping from my pores. It’s at this point that you need to begin drinking every non-alcoholic beverage you can find as quickly as possible.

Step Seven: Survive the dry heaves.

I’ll say that I was in the bathroom at the same time as one of my friends during his morning constitutional. That helped. It’s best not to be alone when attempting to void the contents of your stomach while wearing a $1,000 suit.

Step Eight: Flee Depart the office for your deposition.

The critical element here is that the deposition is far enough away from your office but close enough to your home that you can (a) leave the office with enough to go home beforehand and (b) call the opposing counsel and ask them to delay the deposition. In this small stay of execution, you can take a shower to get the smell of despair and juniper berry and acquire a change of clothes.

Step Nine: Arrive at opposing counsel’s office with your inner rockstar on display

Waltz into the conference room with your sunglasses on. Empty your briefcase on the table: (1) iPad, notepad, waterbottle, vitamin water, vitamin water and vitamin water.

Step 10: Survive questioning by those in attendance

“Are you hungover?” Yes. I am hoping to avoid having to ask for a break so I can go vomit. Now shut up and answer the question.

Step 11: Rock the deposition

You’ll be amazed at how much energy you get back as you are trying not to puke all over the witness. Clarence Darrow, if he were a drunk, would have been proud.

Step 12: Finish Deposition, Return Home, Die

Simple. Now go forth and do.

Meow

Guest post from @daisyjd & @Legallyfab1. We've stolen Namby's iPad & discovered a blog function. This might get.....interesting.

(Meow.

Kittens are baby cats.

Just an FYI.)

Namby mixed gin & tequila tonight & he has a big deposition tomorrow. That is all we really have to say about that. Currently taking bets on how that works out.

MEOW
---

It's the morning after. I am nursing the hangover the size of Alabama. And I'm presently about to have breakfast with Daisy and her husband. Thank God it's Friday.

Client gets injured, lawyer gets brain damaged

Me: I just got handed this file and I am just trying to get a handle on what is going on. I just have a few basic questions for you and hopefully we can move this file forward. Sound good?
Claims Adjustor: Yes.
Me: Great. First things first, how much were his medical bills?
Claims Adjustor: We waived his medical as a courtesy to him.
Me: You guys comped the bills?
Claims Adjustor: We provided your client with the courtesy of not billing him, nothing more.
Me: When you say ‘courtesy’ you mean you didn’t charge him for the services provided, right?
Claims Adjustor: That is correct.
Me: And complimentary means “free of charge”.
Claims Adjustor: Yes.
Me: You know that ‘comped’ is commonly used for ‘complimentary’
Claims Adjustor: That is also correct.
Me: Thus, you comped the medical bills.
Claims Adjustor: We waived them as a courtesy. We didn’t have to do that.
Me: (Stares at the phone, wishing that the person on the other end of the line would vaporize)
Claims Adjustor: Anything else?

It’s not going to be a fun negotiation process.

Just when you want the earth to open up and swallow you

I was taking a client to deposit her settlement check last week. This client is nice, old lady from the old country far away. That doesn't necessarily control what she says or how loud she says it.

We are walking to the bank, surrounded by people of every race, creed and variety, when out of nowhere my client, blurts out just a little too loudly in accented English: "I am not racist, but I don't like *******"

I thought for sure the next headline was going to read "Elderly woman gets ass kicked, her lawyer bribes mob with settlement check".

Clients are awesome. Not.

A look at the attorney-client relationship or Why I should cut the cord to my phone

Bill Cosby had a stand up bit about his kids and how they would do the same outlandish things every night with his gaggle of kids, it was called “Same Thing Happens Every Night.” The end of the Cosby drama always resulted in mass beatings of the kids. By his wife.

I can see the similarities with my clients. Frankly, I would like to hire someone to play the role of "Mrs. Cosby". As there is one client in particular that engages in the same thing every time she calls. To say that it is aggravating is an understatement.

According to those in the know, it may be ruining my life and I think they may be right.

Client: Hello there.

Mind you, she never introduces herself. Never says who it is. Never gives any indication of why she is calling. It’s always the same. Being the idiot that I am, I don’t realize it is her until I get passed the initial two word introduction. So, I answer in typical dodge/evade/re-direct fashion that never conveys I have no idea who is on the other end:

Me: Good to hear from you. What can I do for you?
Client: I just wanted to check on the status on my case.

It’s May. I signed up this client nine months ago. This is a case of clear liability and the defendant has admitted it. They want to settle this matter. However…

Me: It’s been about a week since we last talked, have you gone and had your arm looked at by a doctor yet?
Client: (Pauses)

I know its coming. It’s going to be a four minute recitation of how “woe-is-she” and that the doctors “are-telling-her-bullsh**” and so on and so forth:

Client: Well, I haven’t gotten the arm looked at yet because everytime I go to the hospital they are telling me that I have to wait to get the MRI. And I don’t wanna wait to get an MRI, I deserve to get the MRI now. This has been going on for nine months now and my world has fallen apart, don’t you know that…

Of course I know this sob story. I know that she has verbally assaulted every single medical treater that has tried to help her out. I know that she believes that she is entitled to top of the line medical care without having to pay for it or wait for it. I know that she…well…I’ll let you continue to read:

Client: …they don’t want to help me because I don’t have no insurance. They haven’t done sh** for me and my arm. They don’t want me to get better. They are out to get me. And I’ll never be able to get better. Now, I just want to settle this case immediately so I can move on with my life. Why are you not helping me? I’ve given you my life and my soul, and you haven’t helped me at all. You and the doctors and the insurance company no one wants to help me at all.

Yes, I am the reason she hasn’t done the necessary paperwork, phone calls or waiting to get herself treated. I am the reason her life is ending. And I am the reason she is crippled.

Client: Now just last week I my purse was snatched and my house was broken into and all my papers were stolen. My identity was stolen. My LIFE was stolen. Why aren’t you fixing this? I hired you as my attorney. You are supposed to prevent my life from falling apart like this.
Me: Did you call the police?
Client: Uh…no…

There’s a shocker of no magnitude.

Client: ...But what is going on with my case. Why have we not settled this? This is just crap and I just wanna move on with my life. I have a lot on my plate right now and all I want to do is move on with things and you are holding me up. This whole thing is holding me up...

It’s about this time that I see that her momentum is stalling. This is when I will spring on the offensive. Or, to quote Bill Cosby, "I have had enough of this!!!"

Me: We have been going on these calls for nine months now. I have told you time and time and time again to get an MRI. And you haven’t done it. You haven’t done anything except waste my time, yell at me and yell at anyone who picks up the phone. You will not get any settlement until you get a diagnosis of your injury. You are the only one to blame here. It is your fault for the fact that we haven’t settled this. The insurance company wants to pay you money, but you continually refuse to do what is necessary. It is your fault and no one but yours. Get the diagnosis. Get the treatment. I don’t want to talk to you until you’ve done this. Do you understand me?
Client: (Browbeaten) Yes sir.
Me: Now, get it done. Today.
Client: (Even more browbeaten) Yes sir. I’ll call you as soon as it is done.

No she won’t. This call will repeat itself again in nine days like clockwork.

Viva humpday!

I slept through my alarm this morning. It was ok, I had no court schedule and I was going to be the only attorney in the office today. It wasn’t going to matter that I wasn’t going to have time to drink my morning coffee or have a bowl of cereal before I flew out the door. I could do my morning routine at the office.

Or not.

I was in the process of performing the “get out of the shower, dry off, avoid tripping on the dog while checking my email” routine when I discovered that not only did I have an email informing me about a court hearing that I knew nothing about in a case that my firm had stopped caring about. Instead of unshaven with jeans and a shirt, it became suit & tie with day old stubble friction burn.

This day had taken an abrupt nosedive into Mondayishdom.

I sat in court with a hope that my proposed plan of action would stay my contempt citation. It did. But it didn’t stay the rest of my morning dealing with the devil’s trifecta: (1) a humorless paralegal (who might have been a robot), (2) an intellectually lackluster subpoena service and (3) the client who begins to cry 1.3 sentences into the conversation.

On my todo list still remains: (1) argue with the client who refuses to sign his settlement release, (2) stalk the defense counsel who won’t call me back and (3) listen politely to people who are trying to scam the system.

It’s not that I need a reason to drink. But it’s good to know I have a few stored up just in case.

Serenity now, insanity postponed

I'm at the family vacation home in the far northern climes of Wisconsin for an extended weekend. Actually, I'm ten miles from the home because we don't have Internet. Or consistent cell coverage.

It's a respite from the normal hustle and bustle of Chicago. Except that 100 miles south of here it started snowing. And it kept snowing. And it is still snowing.

It is beautiful but not what I was expecting on this mini vacation. Even though I will be deterred from frequenting the area golf courses, I will not be from venturing out onto the lake to do a little fishing. Because my dog is manlier than I am:





Yes, that white stuff is the two inches of snow accumulated. And yes, she is in the water waiting for me to join.

This is relaxation defined. I don't have to go home, right?

It's all about making friends and meeting people

Daisy, her husband and I did dinner last night. On the way back to their place for a tequila aperitif, we ran into their neighbors coming off the elevator: a husband and his very pregnant wife. He was carrying a bag and he matter-of-factly let us know that the city's population was about to be one greater:

"We're on the way to the hospital."

Me, being the smart ass that I am immediately thought of a sarcastic retort. And I was torn between blurting out "Take the epidural and run!!" or "Man, I hope it's yours!"

But I am not a total cretin. I didn't know these people. (And I was having a hard time deciding what to say). Thus, I said nothing.

Daisy, however, said the natural, good-hearted reaction: "Good luck!"

This got us to thinking, when someone tells you this information, what is the appropriate comment?

(I'm looking for suggestions)

Counsel will be hoisted with his own petard

I get lazy when it comes to keeping my billable time. It’s a bad habit that I’ve gotten into and one that I will have to break when I make the move away from the ambulance chase.

I presently have my largest litigation file splayed before me as I am attempting to put together a bill for services rendered based off of Court orders, e-mails, letters, faxes and hand written notes to myself. Thankfully (for you ethically minded people) this is not a task where my gift of fiction comes into play as all of my work can be see (and proved) by the items sitting before me.

However, this is a task where my flair for wordplay is a required asset.

My clients that did not like the thought of complying with court ordered discovery. Thus, I had to get “creative” in how I get the clients to comply: I lied advanced the deadlines as told to the client.

This is all well and “good” until the time has to be billed: I find that as I enter my time it does not sync up with the truth created for the clients. My clients are fastidious record keepers. They hate this lawsuit. They will figure out my cunning ruse. And my jig will be up.

Thus, I have three options if I get found out:

1. Pray that they forget what I’ve told them every day for three weeks (not bloody likely)
2. Blame it on timekeeping software (which is high tech speak for a legal pad and the clock on the wall)
3. Don’t move because clients, like T-Rex, won’t grasp your deception if you stay still.

I love clients. They make life fun and unbearable. Or something.