Somewhere a federal judge is laughing at me

I am cramming for trial tomorrow when an e-mail comes in from the United States District Court:

I am delighted to write you this message having acquired your contact through a reliable business source, I am contacting you for a mutual benefiting USD100,000,000.00 business deal, please forgive me for any apprehension it might cause to you. This transaction requires your understanding and cooperation in making sure that the private and confidential nature of the deal is not compromised in any form. Like any other huge transaction, we are definitely going to run into some financial obligations during the propagation stages of this transaction, but I assure you that your investment shall be justified at the end of the day. I am proposing a ratio 50/50 proceed sharing with you, upon conclusion of this transaction. Full details of this transaction would be forwarded to you after receiving your positive response to this business proposal. I will advice you to forward your Telephone and Fax Numbers to me in your reply to this message so that we can open-up communication as soon as I receive your reply.

Kind regards,
D. Y. Smart.

Seriously though, I received this e-mail:

MINUTE ENTRY before Honorable Judge John Doe: This court appoints Namby Pamby of Smith & Jones, LLP as counsel for the Plaintiff. Status date to stand.

I’ve pulled the complaint, I’ve talked with the opposing counsel and I have absolutely no idea what legal grounds my client is attempting to sue on.

This is bad. Very bad.