How I go about losing a motion argument

I’ve had several cases in front of a judge that I believe he is a relative of the Honorable Governor William J. Le Petomane.

Now, he is a good judge (seriously!) but I don’t think I could script his courtroom demeanor any better: full recline on the bench, occasionally taking his robe off and the absent stare as he gets bored with the petty minions in front of him. [I can’t help but wonder if he has a defective paddleball back in his chambers.]

All 'Harrumphing' aside, this Judge was a key player in today's [un]stunning motion argument loss.

Three months ago

Judge: Counsel, I am inclined to grant the Motion to Transfer to (Far Away From Chicago) County.
Me: Your honor, I would respectfully request that you grant us time to conduct discovery.
Judge: Whatever.

The initial motion argument did not go as expected. I expected to win. But clearly the judge had other ideas. After kibitzing with the bosses, I soon realized that this really didn’t matter all that much. Once that realization arrived, all pressure was off of my shoulders.

Six weeks ago

Judge: I’m still inclined to grant the Motion to Transfer.
Me: Judge, one of the Defendant’s hasn’t complied with the outstanding discovery, if we could get a little more time.
Judge: Of course.

Now this was a motion we were objecting to in name only because our client thought it was a good idea. We didn’t really care if it got transferred. My line was simple: “We rest on our arguments set forth in our brief.”

Today

Judge: Counsel (to the moving Defendant), I’m inclined to deny your motion and retain jurisdiction

I couldn’t believe my ears. This had the potential to be a victory stolen from the claws of apathy. Now, if only I wasn’t standing before the judge…maybe I’ll treat the judge like a T-Rex. Say nothing and do not move…

Even though my opposing counsel is a dumbass, the opposing counsel is not a total nincompoop. The back and forth with the judge continued. But yet, the judge held firm. Until opposing counsel cited the law at issue and the judge turned to me for answer.

At that very second, my jig was up.

Nothing out of my mouth could help me. I couldn't keep the "aww shucks, you caught me" smile off of my face. I could barely get the "We rest on our arguments" line out of my mouth without laughing.

My point here is simple: when you're beat, you might as well laugh about it.

My first experience in traffic court

A client was going to traffic court today. That’s all I knew.

Then I got a call this morning from a client’s friend who apparently was taking the client to court. He was frantic, He had no idea where to park for traffic court. And he had no idea where traffic court was. And he begged me to meet them to go to court together.

Let me say this: I had no desire to go. Clients scare me. They have cooties.

Let me say this, part two: This is a relatively new client with what could be a fantastic case. And this is the traffic case related to the accident that we are representing him for.

Let me say this, part three: In 27 years of life, I have been to traffic court only once. When I was 16. Protesting a parking ticket.

But I went.

I got there before the client (it helps when your office is 5 minutes walking time from the Courthouse). The eye candy was damned near irresistible: two attorneys, real upstanding looking gents (read: scumbucket) yelling at each other about one trying to steal the others client. Outside. The. Courtroom.

I stood for a few minutes waiting outside the courtroom until I decided to go talk to the prosecuting attorney. “Hi there. I have no idea what I’m doing…” [This said to an attorney that looks about 10 years younger than me.] “…I have a copy of the police report and I am here on this case (I point to the Defendant’s name), I represent the victim. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been here before and I have no idea what I am to do with a complaining witness.” The kindly prosecuting manchild walked me through it: “The judge will call the case, you will say ‘here’ and we’ll hopefully get a plea out of the defendant.”

That sounds simple.

I went back outside, found my client and his friend wandering aimlessly and ushered them into the Courtoom. I let them know I talked with the prosecuting attorney and what to expect. This was hopefully going to be a routine in and out. My client was really nervous and wasn’t really saying much, but his friend was just in awe of lawyers. I’m not saying that facetiously, more in the holy-cow-someone-respects-my-career-path sort of way.

Throughout the call, his friend continued to marvel at watching the court: “This is just like Law and Order!!!” (Not so much.) “I can’t wait to see you in action.” (I’m going to stand up and sit down, much like a Catholic mass.) “Is there going to be a trial?” (I sure hope not.)

They called the case and before I got out of my seat, the Defendant entered a guilty plea.

And now I can go drive the ambulance to the ATM demand the policy limits from the Defendants insurance company while presenting the guilty plea as Exhibit A.

Haste makes waste

I make mistakes and it happens more than I like to admit. I get to laugh at most of my mistakes and my clients are never that prejudiced for when I have an attack of the stupids.

Lo and behold, I hav dne screwd up agin.

However, this time I have to have a judge sign off on my mistake as being harmless. This oopsie involves a court order where yours truly wrote the wrong date on it: I wrote January 5th when it was actually January 6th. The clerk file-stamped the order with my error on it and on my way I went. (Note: the filestamp put the correct date on the order).

At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. I should have. And now, a year later, I am responding to a Motion to Dismiss because of my handwriting error.

Writing the brief where my actions are the focus is a whole new experience and signing an affidavit stating that I am an idiot just adds insult to injury:

1. I am over the age of twenty-one and licensed to practice law in the State of Illinois
2. On January 6, 2009, I was the attorney present before the court in this matter.
3. I filled out the form order at issue in this motion and it is my handwriting that says the date was January 5, 2009.
4. I mistakenly wrote the wrong date in the order.
5. I forgot the damn date and defense counsel is making me look like even more of an idiot.
6. Further affiant sayeth not.

The real kick in the pants is that the date that I mistakenly filled in is in the area typically reserved for the judge to fill out.

I was just trying to make the whole process go a little bit faster.

Man down: A gChat eulogy

A married and dear friend of ours, who shall remain nameless (his wife may answer to the name of “Daisy”), recently created a Facebook page for his dog.

On his own volition.

Artful Blogger and I have realized that his masculinity has finally passed (after a long battle) and needed to be memorialized. We solemnly commemorated our friend’s manlymanness as true professionals, true friends and as true men: via gChat.

Namby: dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in remembrance of our dear friend’s Manhood
Artful Blogger: <---sobbing loudly
Namby: a former virile masculine strapping lad despite his latent love of boats, has passed way too soon
Artful Blogger: (hollerin back) TOO SOON!!!!
Artful Blogger: (sipping some Jack)
Namby: but now once what was strong is no more, what was spritely and jubilant is a vacuous hole of despair and femininity
Artful Blogger: (hollerin back) THE HOLE THE HOLE!! sob
Namby: But all is not lost
Artful Blogger: NO?
Namby: We have seen the damage
Namby: we have seen the sorrow
Namby: we have seen this coming today
Namby: His masculinity will have not died in vain so that we ALLLLL may know what not to do ourselves
Artful Blogger: PREACH IT BROTHER...
Namby: His masculinity will not have shriveled up, popped a collar, sported a bow tie and renamed itself 'sally' for the rest of us to live manly, fulfilling, masculine lives
Artful Blogger: AMEN
Namby: let us pray
Namby: Oh Lord, we thank you for manly things such as nuclear weapons, guns, football, sports cars, steak, scotch and Denny Crane
Namby: We give you mad props for showing us that the good life is to be treasured
Namby: And that you dont let us get pregnant
Namby: Lord, it is a blessing that we can stand, sit or lay down to use the bathroom.
Artful Blogger: Wow...this belongs on a t-shirt
Namby: Without your wisdom Lord, we would never be able to get in pissing contests
Namby: nor any of the other bloodsports that make men men
Namby: It is in your masculine name we pray
Namby: Fuckyeah
Namby: In lieu of drinking scotch in honor of his manhood, his family and friends would encourage you all to kick a small child.

Because, no offense, a Facebook page for your pets is just a little too namby-pamby…

Complaint Drafting and Instant Messaging do not mix

I tend to get sloppy when I am trying to switch between my instant messaging program and Microsoft Word. I forget that even though the chat window is front of a lot of windows, it does not mean my typing makes it to the right window.

This is just another example of how I can be very, very bad at multitasking.

NOW COMES the Plaintiff, how was your weekend? by and through his attorneys with his Complaint against XYZ Corporation and complains as follows:

1. At all relevant times, Plaintiff was a resident of LOL!!!!!

2. At all relevant times, Defendant was a nofuckingshit operating and doing business in the State of Illinois.

3. Defendant owns, operates, controls or maintains a http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcZ-arbR0EE&feature=player_embedded (hereafter the “Premises”)

4. On or about June 2, 2009, Plaintiff was lawfully on the Defendant’s premises.

5. Can I go home yet? I just want to sleep under my desk.

6. At all relevant times, the Defendant owed a duty of reasonable care to all individuals, and in particular the Plaintiff, that were lawfully on the premises.

7. On or about June 2, 2009, the Defendant breached its duty to the Plaintiff and was guilty of one or more of the following negligent acts and/or omissions:
a. Carelessly and negligently managed, operated and maintained the Premises,
b. Carelessly and negligently at the office i’ll be here til about 6,
c. Failed to warn of the hazardous condition,
d. Time for scotch; and
e. Was otherwise careless and/or what a dumbass.

8. As a direct and proximate result of one or more of the foregoing negligent acts and/or omissions, the Plaintiff suffered injuries to his head, neck, boobs!, and body.

WHEREFORE, the Plaintiff prays for judgment in his favor and against the Defendant in excess of $100,000, attorneys fees and MORE COWBELL as well as any additional relief that this Court deems proper just.

Let this be a lesson to you: review before handing to the partner. Or maybe I just should close g-chat and focus on work. Either or.

Crafting, writing and drafting a settlement demand

I hate writing settlement demands. Hate it. With a capital “LOATHE”

The way my firm issues these demands is to treat the lawyer or insurance adjustors like they have never seen the case before (which may be true for the higher ups at the insurance company). I feel like I am demeaning the reader of the letter because I have to use small words, overinflate the injuries and deliver an insane request for money at the end.

My initial drafts tend to be chocked full of fire, brimstone and sarcasm. Then I have to rewrite them because the partners don’t like it.

SETTLEMENT DEMAND LETTER

Counsel:

We would like to make an effort to suck money out of your client attempt to settle this matter before both parties spend countless hours and large sums of money preparing and deposing our respective overpaid whores/expert witnesses taking this case to trial.

This is a case of clear liability duh. My client was a lawful pedestrian when your client hit him with her car, got out of her car, menacingly stood over the Plaintiff and laughed at the Plaintiff as he was lying in the street bleeding until he lost consciousness.

Our client was taken by ambulance to Mercy Margaret Mary University Francis Generalissimo Hospital Medical Center in Chicago where he was admitted for suffering from meeting the business end of a car’s bumper in his teeth blunt force trauma, contusions, walking towards the light and lascerations. As you know, he spent three weeks learning to walk again and at the same time, he learned Spanish.

As the writing continues, the outright lies are then inserted:

Our client has instructed us to extend an initial settlement demand of $250,000.

Our client hasn’t instructed us to do anything.

In fact, we haven’t been able to get in touch with the client for the past two months. Besides, our client would have zero idea on how to value a case such as his. And then he would demand, without room to negotiate, one hundred million dollars in unsequential rolls of quarters.

Our client is reasonable and willing to work towards resolution of this matter because we will tell him what he is doing. And he will like getting a tax free check handed to him.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Did I mention I liked writing demand letters?

I’m running around like my hair is on fire (but actually I just have really bad hat head)

Things are a bit chaotic right now at work: so much to do, not enough time to do it in and then the phone rings.

And then the ice age comes.

I’ll hopefully be back to my regular posting in the next day or so. That is, once I’ve made sure I’m not about to be held in contempt for blowing too many deadlines.

The NPPRE: Namby Pamby Does Ethics

Question 1

You are in your partner’s office retrieving a file. Your partner is on vacation in a very warm, very nice, very far away place. You haven’t taken a personal day in four months. Is it wrong to break wind while you are present in that office?

Explain why or why not. [Show your work for full credit]

Question 2

A client calls you and is demanding to speak to the partner (who is may be screening his calls) on a case that you are working on. You know full well that your partner is sitting in his office working because you were in said office not 3 minutes earlier. After you the client asks you to check to see if the partner is in his office, should you a) walk into a vacant office ‘looking for the partner’ or b) just sit at your desk as the client waits on hold, then pick up tell the client that the office has no lights on.

Explain your answer with relevant citations to the relevant sections of the rules of professional conduct as well as the Ten Commandments, Declaration of Independence and Episodes of Seinfeld.

Question 3

You have forgotten to send your expert witness a key e-mail in advance of her deposition. Your partner asks you if you made contact with the expert regarding this key e-mail. Do you: (a) tell on yourself and look like an idiot (b) tell your partner that you mistyped the e-mail address and look like an idiot or (c) Play deaf. And look like an idiot.

Pencil down...your time is up.

Not good. Not good at all.

I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago. After I was done, I came out and I could not remember the way back to my office.

There I was standing in the hallway unsure of which way I should go. Deer meet headlights...

I'm thinking it's time to get under my desk and assume the fetal position.

Those billable hours weren’t lost, they were waiting to be found

Partner: “I’m going to need your up to date time on the Smith case”
Me: [Smith case, Smith case? That’s from last summer…] “I’m not sure I had any meaningful time from after our last bill went out”
Partner: “Yeah, you did, you went to court and you did a bunch of other stuff before and after that hearing in August. It’s probably like 6 hours.”
Me: “I’ll see what I can find and I’ll make the rest up.”
Partner: “Perfect”

For Professional Services Rendered

From August 30, 2009 to the Present

Attorney: Namby Pamby

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I must have taken a look at the file before the Court hearing. If nothing else I took it out of my briefcase when I took my laptop out to draft my fantasy football team that day. Maybe this is why my team sucked so much was because I was working when I should have been drafting…

Review client file and memorandum at law re: court hearing, prepare for oral argument re: same 1.8 Hours

Monday, August 31, 2009

Put file from desk at home, back into briefcase, take to office, return file to my filing cabinet.

Finalize oral argument preparation 1.5 hours

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Discussed the prospective Bears season with opposing counsel, spent 4.3 nanoseconds in front of the judge and shot the breeze with opposing counsel about our law school alma maters.

Pre-hearing conference with opposing counsel, court hearing and oral argument, post-hearing conference with opposing counsel, review draft order 1.3

Total bullshit hours: 4.6

I hate when I forget to log my time.

I’ve got a case of the Mondays

I got handed a client file at 8:45 this morning and was told that I was heading to a deposition at 3 this afternoon.

The love child of the spirit of Knute Rocke and 2006-era State Senator Barack Obama filled my partner’s body and as he gave the most inspiring pep talk ever uttered in the history of mankind: “It doesn’t really matter what he says. Just go.”

Since receiving the file, it has accomplished a lot: (1) collected dust, (2) act as a manilla colored paper weight and (3) be my lunch’s place mat on my desk.

This could be a disaster. Or the greatest deposition ever. Or an early nap.