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DO IT.

Please?

It's not unethical if it's true

Clients are like Veruca Salt: they want their settlement and they want it now.

Unfortunately, for their attorneys who have to put up with their crap, this is not how it works. Clients just do not comprehend that lawyers have actual work to do for other actual clients. Nor do they understand that lawyers are notorious procrastinators that only do quality work under the threat of being fired, committing malpractice or a contempt citation.

Thus, we arrive at the problem: you tell the client the truth and you are in trouble. But...if you lie to the client, you are in more trouble. Thus, there needs to be a balance that meets ethical standards of the practice of law. Or at least meets the gray areas of those ethical standards.

In my four years vast experience, it seems the attorney needs to have a way to put the client at ease when they call demanding immediate action. In other words, a lawyer has to spin the truth in such a manner that makes the client happy (Come on, we’re lawyers after all!!!). For these occasions, I’ve got a few handy phrases salted away:

• I am engaging in heated negotiations with opposing counsel: I am playing phone tag with the defense counsel.
• We are working with a private investigator: I assigned a law clerk and told him to start Googling.
• A paralegal has run off with the file and is presently working on it: I have no recollection of who you are or what your case is about.
• We recently had extensive motion arguments in your case: I wrote a shitty complaint while I was hungover and looking at inappropriate photos on the internet. Unfortunately, the Defense counsel isn’t as dumb as I hoped and called me on my crap.
• We successfully defended against the Motion to Dismiss: We lost the oral argument but were given leave to replead.

The hope is to leave the client thinking that progress is being made while you are hanging up your phone, scrambling to get to the work done.

Two normal people are infinitely smarter than two lawyers

From the trenches with one of my best friends from law school:

Lawyer: You withheld information!!!
Client: I didn’t think that it mattered.
Lawyer: I asked you if you had ever been arrested and you told me no!
Client: That was before I found Jesus.

From my own day to day shenanigans:

Caller: I have a malpractice case and I want to sue my doctor.
Me: What did your doctor mess up exactly?
Caller: I dunno.
Me: Then when I’m supposed to tell the judge that your doctor did wrong?
Caller: I have a feeling that he is a quack.

And non-lawyers wonder why we drink so much.

Here’s to the Technophobes

I am sitting out in a far-flung suburban courthouse going through my last minute cram session before oral arguments on my opponents motion for summary judgment. I’ve been getting ready for this hearing on and off again for the better part of the week. For this matter, it is just me appearing before the Court but I have been working closely with my senior partner.

That’s when I get a phone call from my other partner:

Partner: Yeah, um, I know you’re busy, but I’m looking for the final brief that we filed in the Smith v. Jones case.
Me: The one that we filed two years ago?
Partner: Yes.
Me: Did you check the firm’s server? I think it’s in a folder named “Final Brief” because I was just looking at it the other day.
Partner: I’m staring at the server and I can’t find the file.

I pull out my iPad and log into the firm server. I quickly navigate my way into the file that he is talking about and find exactly what he is looking for.

Me: Let me walk you through this. Are you in the Smith v. Jones folder?
Partner: Yes.
Me: It’s the fourth folder down as you look at the list of files marked in the folder named “FINAL BRIEF”
Partner: I see order.doc, caselaw.pdf, memorandum.doc and the fourth file is (pauses) caselaw.doc. I don’t see any file named “Final Brief”...I just think that it’s not in here.
Me: Are you sure you are in the right folder?
Partner: Yes.

At this point I am utterly confused as to why he cannot find this file. Then it dawns on me:

Me: From the top, list everything that you see in this folder window.
Partner: Ok, something named Appellate Record, then Correspondence, then Client Correspondence, then Final Brief, then the files start, order.doc...
Me: Stop right there. Final Brief is a folder. Open that.
Partner: ....Oh....

My partner: legal genius that he is has difficulties understanding the differences between FILES and FOLDERS.

I’m going to file this under “I probably shouldn’t have said that”

Opposing counsel: You want to go get your guy? We’re ready for him.
Me: Do I have to? He makes my skin crawl.
Opposing counsel: (After he is done laughing) You realize that’s your star witness, right?

It's always good when the only person that proves your case gives you the heebee jeebees.

When your job gives you lemons, throw them at your partner

The last couple of weeks have been rather intense at the office. I’ve been swamped with court appearances, depositions of people that suck and lots and lots of phone calls with people that just want to waste my time.

This doesn’t even factor in the mindless bitch work that is getting dumped on me in any given day. Frankly, I don’t care what my partners give me to do.

Until I start getting blamed for their mistakes.

But, as an associate...no, strike that...as an associate in a horrible job market, short of going postal, what can you do? It’s a question that I’ve been pondering a lot lately (especially when I’ve been having my morning whiskey) and I wish I could come up with the best way to address this issue.

I figure that I’ve got a couple of options how I can respond:

Option A

Take the abuse, shut up about it and just stifle it along with every other reason that you are presently searching for new employment.

Upside: Retain your job.
Downside: Liver disease.

Option B

Discuss the matter with said partner behind a closed door in his office. Politely and professionally discuss what happened that lead to the error (i.e. how the partner f***ed up and how you are blameless) and offer suggestions for ways that this problem can be avoided in the future.

Upside: Maybe retain your job, clear your conscious of not standing being wrongly accused of a minor f*ck up and perhaps improve the day-to-day work product of your boss.
Downside: Maybe not retain your job, move to a higher priority on your partner’s shit list and liver disease.

Option C

Next time the Partner blames you for the slightest problem, no matter the location, list every single screw up that has been the result of the partner’s actions and/or inactions. List his personal failings and other problems with enhanced vocal volume so that everyone in your zip code can hear you. End with the classic summation: YOU NEED ME MORE THAN I NEED YOU! Storm off.

Upside: You’d likely make Above the Law in an entertaining manner.
Downside: No more job. No more ability to fund your liver disease. No chance of working in a law firm as a lawyer ever again.

Fact of the matter is that I don’t have the tact or ability to politely point out a mistake so I am resigned to taking Option A.

I just wish I had the balls for Option C.

The bite clearly did not cause a fatal wound. Shame.

Caller: I have an animal bite case.
Me: Why don't you tell me what happened and we'll see if you have a case.
Caller: I got bit at the zoo.
Me: Um. Ok. How'd that happen?
Caller: I was standing in front of the cage.
Me: But how'd the animal bite you?
Caller: I stuck my hand into the cage.
Me: That was stupid.
Caller: What you mean?!? That animal hurt me. They should pay me for that!!!
Me: No they shouldn't.
Caller: What the f*** are you talking about...I'm in pain!!
Me: Of course you are...

The secretary that has overheard all of my calls for the previous two years has rated this as the best ever.

So, I've got that going for me. Which is nice.

These Lawyers Behaved Badly

I was sitting in the jury box waiting for my case to be called this morning when I witnessed my new favorite judge teach two lawyers a lesson they obviously missed in kindergarten.

Their case was called, up they went and then everything went to hell in a hand basket at ludicrous speed. To set the stage, think of two whiny children (in their late 40s/early 50s) that have had way too much caffeine and not enough hugs:

Defense Counsel: This case is settled and we are just waiting for a few documents.
Plaintiffs Counsel: There is no settlement!
DC: What are you talking about, I have the signed release right here.
PC: If I may, your honor, I don’t think the counsel is fully up on the file.
DC: What on earth are talking about? We settled this case...
PC: There is no evidence of any...
DC: If I may finish.
The Judge: No, you may not finish. Just stop it. Both of you need to stop. This is unbelievable. Both of you are unprofessional, rude and obnoxious...

At this point, all 30 other attorneys in the room begin to shift in their seats uneasily.

The Judge: You have wasted my time, you have wasted the time of all of these other attorneys seated here and you will get out of my courtroom right now And maybe the next time you are here you both will have learned how to be professional. Now get out of my sight.

Then, and I didn’t see it, but I believe the Plaintiff’s counsel smirked.

I don’t know why he did and I for sure don’t know why he let the judge see it. But I do know that it was the wrong thing to do.

The Judge: You think this is funny, counselor? I’m not sure what I see funny about this at all. If you are going to behave like this, I don’t want to see you again. Get out. Right now.

Mind you, the Judge’s words do not give his demeanor the appropriate justice. He was livid with these two and was anything but quiet in admonishing them as he ejected them from his courtroom.

The moral here is not to act like addle schoolchildren before a judge.

Not like you should have to be taught this lesson.

Paging Doctor Freud (or Doctor Rob)

There I was, sound asleep, having a great dream. Well. I was having a dream. (Great may be a bit of an overstatement.)

The dream: I had just gotten a new job.

Those of you that know me outside of these words know that I am actively seeking a new job (by drunkenly sending off resumes to prospective firms). I'm in my fourth year with my current firm and I'm ready to move away from Plaintiff's work. I've had a good run at chasing ambulances and learning how to litigate a case...but now I want something more challenging.

Anyway, back to the dream...

There I was, sitting before the hiring partner at a prestigious Big Law firm. I had just accepted their offer and was to start immediately.

The dream continued and I was led by this partner and an HR rep on the path to my new office. This long and winding journey led me to what can only be described as a dungeon. Me being the inquisitive kind, even asleep, I asked what I was doing in what may have been the Lubyanka circa 1970.

The reply: "This is where we keep the attorneys that just aren't smart enough" And then they handed me a laminated piece of paper that was a check for $200,000. That's when I woke up.

Nothing like an odd dream to start the work week.

The moral here is that I think my subconscious has an inferiority complex.

That's willing to be bribed.

Your new stop for breaking legal news with snarky analysis

As Bitter Lawyer hasn't had new content in five months, I'm now contributing over at Constitutional Daily.

Go check it out. Right now. Or my editor will kill someone...likely me.

It's not just me, there's PhilaLawyer, Dr. Rob Corman and Some-asshole-that-I-do-a-podcast-with...not to mention news updates and several other talented and funny writers.

Hope you enjoy it. If you've got thoughts or critiques, let me know.

Chiropractors make my life harder

I'm meeting with one of my clients treating "doctors" today as we move her case towards trial.

Thanks to this doctor, my job is a hell of a lot harder. Why you ask? Because insurance companies, defense counsel, real doctors and most anyone associated with the medical profession hate chiropractors.

Chiropractic medicine is palliative in nature meaning that it attempts to relieve the symptoms and not address the underlying issues that cause the symptoms. Now, I'm not saying it can't temporarily relieve pain because it can. However, a lot of Plaintiff's go straight to a chiropractor and that "doctor" never refers them to someone that can actually do something.

When there is a lot of chiropractic medicine in a case, you can almost be guaranteed that the insurance company will fight the claim until the bitter end.

So I am meeting with this doctor today to prepare for trial and this is what I want to say:

Doctor, if I may call you that, I believe that you are a joke of a professional.

You continually rack up thousands upon thousands of dollars in medical bills for procedures that do absolutely nothing to treat the underlying condition that my client has presented with. After six months of "treatment" with you, you prescribed more "treatment."

Breathtaking diagnostic approach. I am sure that Dr. House would be proud of your medical abilities.

What's most damning is that you didn't refer the patient to a neurologist, orthopedist or a freaking podiatrist…you know a real doctor that went to a real medical school.

As this case moves forward, I'm extremely thankful that for two months of treating my client, you bill approximately $4,000 for "hot/cold packs". Let me get that straight, four thousand bucks for ice and a heating pad? I guess your office has a shortage of electricity and water.

You're a hack.

As I need this doctor, this is what I will say:

Doctor, thank you for meeting with me today. I want to thank you for feeling my client's pain. [I will attempt to tear up at this point]

And making her better.

I wonder if my disdain will show through?

My Suitcoat Hides the Flop Sweat

It was just supposed to be an easy morning in the halls of justish. A quick order entered here, a case management there and an uncontested motion to wrap it all up followed by an afternoon of paperwork and deposition preparation.

Let’s just say that it didn’t go as hoped.

I was prepared for a little complication as everything that I had to do was at the same time, so I arrived early to put attorney holds on cases so that I could be late. That’s when I got to what was going to be my third courtroom of the day to find out that my uncontested motion wasn’t on the court call. The clerk quickly sorted out the problem: it was missing from the court docket. He told me to talk to the law clerk and get it all straightened out. I said I would after my other two matters.

Now, for those of you not practicing in the Daley Center, the elevators are a mess. In simple terms, you can’t get there from here. I was on a floor in the mid-twenties and I had to get to the mid-teens, which are not served by the same groups of elevators. In order to most expeditiously do this, I used two different elevator trips: down 16 floors then up 8 (editors note: the seventh floor connects to all banks of elevators in the building). It gets complicated when it gets crowded. Again, this was just foreshadowing on the crap that was coming.

Off to the next courtroom. Thankfully in and out without a hitch. Back to the elevator funshow for three trips to go 11 floors: 14 to 17, 17 to 23, 23 to 25 (going down, to go back up is a risky proposition during rush hour). The second courtroom was also in and out without a problem. Back to the final courtroom again where I got stuck in at the end of the call.

“Counsel you want to explain to me what is going with this case?” And off I went attempting to brief the Court of the actual progress only to be interrupted: “This isn’t in the orders. I have no idea what’s going on with this case...” The Judge proceeds to berate me for the next five minutes on how the orders are poorly drafted, the pace of this case, the fact that my opposing counsel didn’t show up, how the weather is gloomy and the fact that my handwriting is bad. I was sent from the Courtroom to call the opposing counsel and inform him of what was happening.

By the time I was done talking to my opposing counsel (who I like and get along with real well), the judge has retreated to chambers.

And the berating began yet again.

It just seems that I couldn’t do anything right for this Judge on this case. The teachable moment is that even if you are in a pre-trial conference with the judge and you are told exactly what to write in the orders and what needs to be done by the judge...you have not done enough.

I’m a big kid and I take my lectures standing up (while sweating profusely beneath my suit).

Again I am told what to write in the order and sent from the judge’s presence to carry out these judicial wishes. I’m sitting in the courtroom, after being told by the court clerk that I have to wait until the judge returns so that the order can be reviewed. The judge finally shows up, reads the order, makes one final pronouncement about how I’ve screwed up and enters the order. What should have taken about 30 seconds ended up taking nearly an hour.

The afternoon was nowhere near as stress inducing. Except for finding out that one of your key disclosed experts is about to get hauled off to the nearest federal prison and will not be returning anytime soon.

Litigation is awesome. Never forget that.

Family Matters

Me: Having my Dad as my attorney may be raising my stress level.
My Friend: Yeah, an attorney who represents his son has a fool for a client.

I can’t argue with fact.

Today’s Practice Tips

1. Argue the facts when they help you, argue the law when it helps you and if you have neither, ask the court for more time.

2. You need to have a good poker face when the client tells you that under no circumstances will he have the money to pay the $50,000 judgment until 2014. You must maintain this poker face at all times despite the client currently owing your firm in excess of $100,000 in attorney’s fees.

3. Nothing good can occur when opposing counsel says: “There’s something you should know about your client…”

4. “Objection, shut the f*ck up” is an appropriate phrase for the mental dialogue you are having while working. It is not something to leave in discovery responses that you’ve just handed to the client to review for her signature.

5. Nine times out of ten you can tell if your opposing counsel is an asshole from his voicemail message.

Another case of the Mondays

Today is going great right now. Clients are causing a little stress:

• I’m convinced Client A is faking his injury. That’s what the medical evidence shows.
• The more I documentation I read, the more I believe that Client B is trying to commit insurance fraud.
• Client C is ducking my phone calls and Client D has called far too often with nothing new to report to him.
• Client E just doesn't get that her case is not as important as she thinks it is.

And it’s not just clients that are making this day worse...

• Attorney 1 is an asshole that refuses to cede his “moral high ground” to common sense, facts and reality. Thus a case that should have settled a year ago continues to trudge through needless litigation.
• Attorney 2 sent me a critical file in Word Perfect. Which, being the Mac user I am makes it worthless to me. So much for that deadline.
• Attorney 3 is a moron that can’t understand a settlement contract if his life depended on it.

To cap the morning off, I dumped toner all over myself when I changed my printer cartridge.

Please, bring on the weekend.

How the Cook County Public Defender (might have) Saved Attorney Jobs

As you might have heard, Cook County is the bastion of fiscal responsibility. Or broke for short.

The new Cook County board president took Janet Napolitano’s haircut and Sarah Palin’s fiscal policy as she went about navigating the financial morass that is one of the largest municipalities in the country. This means cuts up and down the line in a desperate attempt to make sure that Cook County keeps on operating.

Up until a few hours ago, it was thought that approximately 68 Cook County Public Defenders were about to lose their jobs (apparently the State’s Attorney threaten to donkey punch the board president if they cut attorneys from her office...but don’t quote me on that).

Now normally, I wouldn’t care if criminals had an overworked PD attempting to slow their journey to their new home owned by the Illinois Department of Corrections. Except when some of my closest friends were on the chopping block.

Then I got a message this morning: “They secured funding and no PD’s are going to lose their jobs!!!”

Without more information, I can only think that the Cook County Public Defender has gone the route of the Chicago White Sox: defiling the name of Comiskey Park Commercial Sponsorship. If this is true, one could imagine a few immediate changes:

• The Office of the Public Defender is now known as “The Smith and Wesson Public Defender”
• All Clinical Evaluations will be performed by WebMD
• Motions to Suppress are now to be titled “Motion for Robitussin”
• Voir Dire is now known as “Dex Knows People Search”
• All cross-examinations of police officers will be sponsored by Dunkin Donuts
• DNA Evidence will be presented (and paid for) by Durex.
• The jury will pick the convicted Defendant’s sentence using Orbitz’s Prison Trip Planner iPad Application
• Attorneys will be clad in the official Snuggie during trial

Seriously though, I’m glad there are not going to be 68 new unemployed attorneys in Chicago.

Pro Bonoing with Law Students

One of my close friends was just asked to assist in mock interviews for those still in law school. We all know that law students are cute, cuddly and fun to poke with a stick, so my friend quickly agreed to this public service. As she has as much experience as the rest of us in interviewing people (read: next to zero) an e-mail chain popped up amongst us recent law grads discussing things that these law students should be asked.

In other words, we had way too much fun proposing the way we would torture these poor souls instead of focusing on keeping our jobs as lawyers. Here's what we came up with:

• What’s the average flight speed of an unladen swallow?
• What would make you say "That’s beneath me!" when it comes to job tasks and requirements?
• Are you interested in having a future in plastics?
• Have you ever been in Turkish prison?
• Would you flip fries with the right, left or both hands?
• Can you believe it’s not butter?
• How far are you willing to go to get a job?
• Do you like movies about Gladiators?
• When it comes to ethical/unethical, how many lies will you tell to cover your boss's ass?
• Do you have a gag reflex?
• Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

Clearly one should refrain from asking “Why the F*** did you go to law school in the first place?” as it seems a little fierce in a mock interview.

Mr. Unlucky

Caller: I got bedbugs in my apartment.
Me: And?
Caller: And then I took them to my mom’s.
Me: There’s nothing I...
Caller: I also got diabetes.
Me: What?
Caller: From my pills.
Me: What does this have to do with the bedbugs?
Caller: Nothing, I just want to sue for that. And I want to sue my doctor.
Me: The doctor that prescribed you the pills?
Caller: No, my surgery doctor
Me: Oh? What possibly did this doctor do wrong?
Caller: I was pissing myself.
Me: What’s the doctor got to do with this?
Caller: I had surgery.
Me: What sort of surgery?
Caller: I don’t know.
Me: Then why do you need to sue?
Caller: After the surgery, I kept pissing myself.
Me: Occasionally surgeries aren’t successful.
Caller: But now I also can’t get an erection to shoot semen to make babies.
Me: When did these things happen to you?
Caller: Last month.

A law clerk overheard me on the call and she doesn’t believe that it was real.

Unfortunately, I can’t get her to call the guy back.

A good deed likely to be punished

I’ve said many times that I hate lawyers that communicate to their opponent only through written motions. I’ve got one of those opponents right now.

It started when I received late notice on one of their motions and ended up missing the hearing. That motion, which I was objecting to, was granted. It continued when their office covered a case management conference and inserted language that was less than friendly in the “agreed” order. Finally, last week, I received a motion from their office that they filed just to a pain: “Counsel’s Motion to Be A Dick or, in the Alternative, Motion to be a an Inflamed Hemorrhoid.”

Throughout the process of litigating this case, as I’ve attempted to lay out above, I’ve realized that I can’t trust my opponents to behave themselves before the judge when I am not present. So, for Counsel’s motion, I made sure to attend the court hearing.

My opponent, on the other hand, declined to follow suit.

Now, if this were my motion and I decided not to come, I am fairly sure that my opponent would (1) had my motion stricken the instant the case was called, (2) ask the court to assess costs for my no show and (3) find some additional way to be a douche.

What do I do?

I tell the court that I am more than willing to wait for a while to see if he is just running late. I wait a half hour and no one shows. I pull the anti-douche move to resolve this matter: “Your Honor, I haven’t been able to get in contact with opposing counsel but I don’t want to inconvenience him by having his motion stricken. I’d suggest that we just enter and continue this two weeks so that we can make sure that counsel can present his motion.”

I know this is going to come back to bite me in the ass.

Why was I not told about this?

So it snowed last night? No one said anything.

Guess I'm going to have to work from home today. Oh darn.
---

UPDATE: Courtesy of one of my friends...