On 2011

For the first time ever, I'm actually looking forward to the promise of the new year. Bring it on!!!

Happy New Years!

Attempting to Get Nuisance Value: A settlement demand template

Dear Claims Handler:

As you know, I represent Jane Doe in connection with her accident as a result of your company’s tortious acts that occurred on or about January 1, 2010. Ms. Doe has finished her medical treatment and we would like to make an attempt to resolve this matter without wasting much more of our time.

My client is a raving lunatic that thinks every problem that she has ever had in her life is connected to this accident, including her ongoing battle with Lupus. Despite my repeated assertions that this is not the case and my pleading with her to find another attorney, she has insisted that I engage in this futile attempt to try and settle this claim.

I have repeatedly told her that she should not expect any money from you, your company or anyone associated with your insured. She has responded by crying (which I don’t know how to deal with). And saying that the longer you wait to give us money, the more money she will demand (which I do know how to deal with). She has stated that we demand a figure somewhere in the neighborhood of seven figures. After nearly succumbing to laughter-induced hypoxia, I asked her to give me “whatever she was smoking.”

That said, I respectfully request that you settle this matter as quickly as possible. Our initial settlement demand is a bottle of scotch and a player to be named later. Our client is unreasonable, mentally unstable and will not listen to any reasonable counter offers.

I do not look forward to hearing from you soon.

Very truly yours,

Namby Pamby
Sacrificial Attorney at Law

The Client and the Doctor: Conflicting Views

What my client says about his doctor during the deposition:

”Dr. Grant. I love Dr. Grant or James as he lets his friends call him. He told me over and over again how this accident caused my injury and how he’d never been wrong. Did you know his kids and my kids went to the same school? Little Jimmy and Bella...absolutely the greatest kids ever. I’ve never had a doctor take so much interest in me before and I count him as a close friend.”

What the doctor says about my client during his deposition:

”I have no independent knowledge or recollection about this patient. I couldn’t pick him out of a crowd if I tried. Everything I did and know is in my chart. Can I leave now?”

At least I know enough to make it seem like I care about my clients...

Client can’t find good legal help anywhere

Me: Have you sent the settlement check yet?
Client: You never told me to.
Me: Yes I did.
Client: No, you never did. I WOULD REMEMBER IT.
Me: I sent you an email on December 10th. At 9am. It was one sentence long. It said "Please send the settlement check to my office immediately"
Client: I never got that email.
Me: Yes. You did.
Client: I think you are mistaken. I know I never ever received it. I would have responded to it.
Me: You did. Your exact words were “I’ll do it.” Would you like me to send you a copy? You’ll notice that my email is copied in your response.
Client: Oh.

Checklist for a Successful Thursday

____ Find the old partner asleep as his desk from previous night when you arrive at the office (be sure that he is in fact asleep and not, in fact, dead).

____ Endure fifteen minute client screaming session directed at you for ‘not being able to do anything fast enough’ and ‘not caring about her motherfu**ing kids’. [Extra credit: engage in 15 minute prayer that said client is not packing any weapon]

____ Skip court ordered briefing deadline for a motion that you will lose. Twice.

___ Take eight phone calls from one client who is attempting to induce you to unknowingly commit insurance fraud while coming up with eight different reasons why you have not done what she is asking you to do.

____ Get fired by the client who doesn’t have a case.

____ Discover the answer to the client question: “My lights have been turned off, I have no money and I can’t get food, what am I supposed to?”

____ Take, but fail to engage in any meaningful conversation while doing so, the twenty-four minute phone call with the client that is perpetually stoned.

____ Avoid drinking until after 4pm.

Whereupon I respond to opposing counsel after I've been drinking

Dear Sir (Madam on Thursday),

I received your email several minutes ago. Just prior to receiving your carefully worded pile of linguistic garbage, I was thoroughly enjoying the company of my friends and the comfort of inexpensive libations. And then shots arrived...at that point all bets were off in terms of my professional civility.

As an initial note, I wish to caution you because anything that you say in an email to me after 9pm will be used to in my ongoing attempts to force you to engage in acts of sexual congress with yourself.

In response to the arguments that you specifically address in your voluminous email that I skimmed whilst utilizing the toilet, I only wish to point out that the Court has yet to rule in favor of you (or your client) in any of the substantial motion practice that has occurred thus far.

Additionally, my law clerk wishes to know what personal lubricant you prefer so that my office can supply you with sufficient quantities to make the anticipated coital interactions less abrasive to your anal orifice during the trial process.

I look forward to the upcoming pre-trial conference where I will offer to be the big spoon.

Just so were clear, you're a hack.

Very truly yours,

The Namby Pamby
thenambypamby@gmail.com

P.S. I'm going back to drinking now.

Lessons in Legalese or How to Expand the Pagecount of Existing Documentation while Lacking Additional Material Terms Based upon the Mutual Intentions

I’m in the midst of hacking my way through a settlement agreement making vital changes that no one will ever agree to without putting a gun to their head. That’s why I want to offer you tips on how to really overwrite and complicate the simplest of documents:

1. Do not say anything in five words when you can say it eighteen paragraphs with multiple subsections.

2. Repeat and re-allege is lawyer-speak for copy and paste.

3. If you cannot think of the word you want to use, just make one up. (Just add an ‘able’ or a ‘tion’ to the end of a pre-existing word if you are in a pinch)

4. Always include an attorneys fees provision. (Even if it’s a love letter)

I really hate writing in legalese and even more people can’t stand reading this tripe. That’s why you can be sneaky and screw your opponent a zealous representative of your client and slip in the odd term that really benefits your client. Or yourself.

Ask not what this blog can do for you, ask what you can do for this blog

As some of you know, I’ve been honored by the ABA Journal as one of the 100 best legal blogs for the third straight year. I'm extremely grateful for this honor and I hope that you, the readers, keep coming back for my attempts at humor and as I stumble through my experience as a lawyer in Chicago.

For those of you new to this process, the ABA has selected twelve categories of law related blogs to honor. Then there is a cage match to the death to see who has the best blog. Which I am losing badly. Again.

You can vote for the best blog in each nominated category (I’m in the ‘For Fun’ category) over at the ABA Journal website. Registration is required but its free and damnit, I don’t like losing. So just do it.

Please.

Pretty please?

Hello?

Beware of the Christmas Terrorist

The following individual has been captured and charged with numerous violations of the United States Code, the U.N. Charter and other applicable code provisions.

Her charges include, but are not limited to, the following:

(1) Conspiracy to not have a holly, jolly Christmas;
(2) Conspiracy to destroy displays of holiday and/or Christmas cheer;
(3) Aiding and abetting the Grinch;
(4) Desecration of a Christmas tree; and
(5) Consumption of Christmas ornaments.

Be on the lookout for this dangerous individual. Her vast network of sympathizers number in the millions and will resort to petty acts to sustain their group motivations. If you come in contact with her she is considered pawed and dangerous.


If you see something, say something. After you play with her for a little bit.

Ignored Dicta

When attorneys are with the Judge in chambers before a conference starts inevitably, conversations begin. Unsurprisingly, these chats are small talk about life, the legal profession and each persons family.

The judge, being you know, judgely takes center stage in this chitchat session. Yesterday, the judge I was with dropped a nugget of advice to all potential lawyers out there:

"My daughter is a first year law student out east. I begged and pleaded with her not to go to law school but she didn't listen...it's not like I know anything..."

I might have fallen out of my chair laughing at that point.

Tips for Successful Motion Practice

1. Any word that you put on the paper can find new life when the judge publishes a written opinion about how much you suck.

2. It is not professional to dance a jig when the judge issues his ruling and he plagiarizes your brief for his reasoning on every argument that was before the court.

3. Do not object when opposing counsel hands up a case that she did not cite in any of her briefs. When the judge stops the oral argument to read the case in open court, then tells the attorney that the case doesn't mean what she thinks it means, you are looking good

4. Do not lose your temper while in front of the judge. Do push the opposing counsel into losing his temper while in front of the judge.

5. When your client is being held hostage to a dumb lawyer make sure that you bring the client to any oral arguments. Nothing validates your billable hours like a judge bitch-slapping the opposing counsel for being a moron.

It was a not a good day to be my opposing counsel. Just sayin...

Two sides to every deposition

A lot of work goes into the deposition of the Plaintiff in a given personal injury case. When I am doing defense work, I spend a lot of time (usually after I’ve left the office) doing work in preparation for the Plaintiff’s deposition because there is a chance that I can make or break the opponent’s case with this deposition.

Also, I’ve got to get billable hours somehow. And I suppose the insurance company wants a competent attorney to guard their money.

So as Defense counsel, when I have a Plaintiff’s deposition to prepare for as a lot goes into it, such as:

(1) Review and analyze pleadings, Plaintiff’s Answer’s to Interrogatories, Plaintiff’s produced documents, Plaintiff’s statement to the insurance company, 18 inches of Plaintiff’s medical records in their glorious illegibility, the claim’s handler’s file, the client statement, the incident report, the private investigator’s report.
(2) Discuss strategic plan with Partner
(3) Outline my deposition strategy.
(4) Re-review key documents once more.
(5) Show up at deposition

Then I fuss, fidget, review, toy with and just go over it again until the time is present for the deposition.

However, when I have a Plaintiff’s deposition to go, as Plaintiff’s counsel, the preparation and strategy is a lot different:

(1) Show up*

*Sobriety preferred, but not required.

There are advantages to both sides. I’ll let you decide which one is for you.