If you are reading this, something has gone horribly wrong

I've switched things around and gone over to Wordpress.

The new URL is http://www.thenambypambyblog.com

The new RSS feed is here

Big Brass Ones: A true story

Setting: Your office's conference room.

The Scene: You are a junior associate that works for a midsize transactional firm that has been hit by layoffs and massive paycuts. Needless to say morale of the associates is at an all time low. While you are present in the conference room, an equity partner walks in and begins to make small talk about his family.

Partner: I just found out that my eldest just got accepted to Harvard.
Associate: That's great, sir. You must be really proud.
Partner: Absolutely. Now he just has to decide between Harvard, Yale and Stanford.
Associate: Can't go wrong with any of them.
Partner: This means you are going to have to work harder so I can pay for it.
Associate: You already cut my pay 35% I don't think you need any more help from me.

With that, the associate leaves the conference room, heads to his office and returns the call to that pesky recruiter that keeps calling.

A Forecast of Technical Difficulties and Change

Apparently the walls of this site are crumbling and we are facing a pissed off slumlord. I am in the process of moving this blog over to Wordpress and hope to launch it in the next week or so. In the meantime, Blogger has eaten my link lists and apparently there are issues with the RSS feeds.

Email me at the thenambypamby@gmail.com if you find any issues or if you want to be included in my new blogroll.

I'm hoping that this upcoming move will not tank my decent traffic numbers and large masses of RSS feed subscribers (this is your shoutout...hello RSS feeders!). Please don't leave me loyal readers...I'm addicted to reading my site traffic every 15 minutes.

Even though I was at the ABA Techshow for the briefest of moments (did you see me? I WAS THERE), I have absolutely no idea what I am doing with this technical side of things. Probably because I am too busy with clients or I'm stupid. Most likely the stupid part.

Anyway, this is what I've got planned. Hope you don't mind the dust.

Browbeating the client into submission

Clients occasionally like to ignore the advice of their lawyer because, apparently, we know nothing. Sometimes the end result is the client firing your firm. Sometimes the end result is the client firing your firm and filing a complaint with the bar. And sometimes the client actually listens to you.

Normally, when I have bad news to break I duck the client calls until the letter gets sent out. This is because breaking bad news never is done well over the phone. This call, which happened as I was writing this post, illustrates my point:

Client: What’s the latest?
Me: We just completed our investigation and we just don’t have the evidence to prove your case. I actually sent you a letter today about this issue.
Client: What do you f***ing mean? I am clearly in the right here. THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
Me: I’m sorry, we just can’t prove...hello? Hello? I think I just got hung up on...crap.

Like I was saying, ideally you write the client a letter analyzing the hurdles that will prevent the outcome he or she wants while focusing on the cost benefit analysis.

Dear Client:

I hope that you are doing well. I wanted to let you know that your case f***ing sucks monkey balls. That’s what the evidence says, that’s what the retained experts say and that’s what I say. I could bore you with the details, but frankly, it isn’t worth my time to write a detailed letter to you. You should authorize me to settle for whatever piddly some I can coax out of the defense counsel.

Very truly yours,

Namby

Unfortunately, you just cannot tell the client what you actually think about them when you are trying to convince them to listen to you. That’s why I’ve spent more time than I care to admit this week drafting one of these letters to a client. It’s now in excess of 10 pages.

If you can’t use vulgarity, you might as well use facts.

I am the model of professionalism

I’m thinking today’s deposition transcript is going to read something like this:

By Opposing Counsel:

Doctor, the patient history is based off what the individual patient tells you.

Witness:

Correct

By Opposing Counsel:

The records indicate that on June 15, 2010, the Plaintiff came to you and was complaining of left knee pain.

Witness:

That’s what she said.

By Mr. Pamby

[Snorts…Coughs…Drools on Self] Sorry about that.

Outside of that minor hiccup, that deposition went really well.

Responding to the Partner’s Sunday Email

It’s 7:15am on the Sabbath.

I was awake because there is an English Premier League soccer game to watch my body hates me and won’t let me sleep in. Upon waking up, I did what I normally do: check my email. Lo and behold my partner has sent me an email. Before 7am:

“Where do we stand on the Acme case? We were supposed to do [insert legal mumbojumbo here] by Monday. Is it done?”

Now to properly understand why this email is special, you have to understand that the sending partner does not give me a lot of work. Nor do we work together on much of anything. There are days that I think he thinks I am a secretary. Or a potted plant. This is the long winded way of saying I have no idea what is going on in the case that he emailed about while I was in the final seconds of blissful sleep.

Thus, at 7:16 yesterday morning, I was faced with several options on how to respond:

The “honesty is the best policy” option

Since you sent me the email, I’ve been looking through the firm server and my personal files. Unfortunately, I have no record of that being done. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with on this file.

The “I don’t need no stinking job security” option

I have absolutely no idea what is going on with the Acme case. The last substantive work you had me do on the file was to staple a stack of documents that you needed as you were running over to court. And that was two months ago. You have never shared with me what the court has ordered, what work needs to be done on the file or the names of opposing counsel. I consider it a blessing that I actually know what case you are talking about in your email. To answer your question: I have no idea if it was done or not.

The “Sunday” Option

Mark email as unread. Face consequences Monday. Go Golfing.

Weekend emails are the worst.

Lawyers behaving badly. Before the judge.

Some courts allow agreed matters before beginning the bulk of a daily call. This usually entails basic a discovery matter or service issues and the attorneys spend less than 37 seconds in front of the judge telling them what they've done and when they want to come back to do this again.

In actuality, it is glorified speed dating.

Every once in while, attorneys try to shoe horn a non-agreed matter before the judge and it throws the whole process off. It gets really unsettling when there is a line of attorneys attempting to get their most basic of matters heard and this non-agreed matter is droning on and on. And that is where I found myself today.

I was number two in line on this particular agreed call when the gaggle of attorneys in front of me get into a fight over scheduling (lawyering is a very mature business, folks). This matter goes on for nearly ten minutes.

At that point, one of the attorneys behind me said ever so softly "This is taking way too effing long". As this is one of my former opposing counsel that I am friendly with, I turn around and responded: "Just for you, I am going to take as long as possible." This lawyer is a rather imposing individual but has a teddy bear like quality to him. He whispered his response without missing a beat: "If you take your time, you are going to find my size 14 shoe up your ass."

Wouldn't you know that just as I am doing my best to turn away from the bench to hide that I am failing to suppress laughter while turning beat red my case gets called.

I love the courtroom.

Here's your sign

I’ve got one case that is like a bottle of wine. A bottle of boxed wine.

And it gets worse every day.

Over the past 12 months, we have been able to resolve the “problem” cases except for this Albatross. This one will not settle and my delay-at-all-cost strategy has just been ended by judicial fiat.

We are heading to trial. Where we will almost certainly lose. In coping with this set back, I broke down the positives and negatives with my partner. The signs are telling us that we need to stop wasting our time on this case:

Signs of Weakness

1. The Client has a malleable relationship with the truth (especially while under oath).
2. The Client has a relevant (and insuppressible) history with the Federal Bureau of Prisons.
3. The Client thinks she is smarter than everyone. And will tell you why.
4. The Client’s claim is not supported by the evidence.
5. The Client is not likable. The Defendant is extremely likable.
5a. I like the Defendant. I do not like my client.

Signs of Strength

1. I can have a charming personality.
2. I have better ties than my opposing counsel.
3. I would be much more comfortable if this list had a substantive third strength.

It’s never a good sign when your client will accept nothing less than 200 times the Defendant’s final settlement offer.

It’s a bad sign when your client has more criminal convictions than I have fingers.

And it’s a downright damning sign when your opposing counsel knows all of this...and gleefully tells you the only option you have left is to “roll the dice” with the jury.