An Open Letter to a Fellow Passenger on the CTA This Morning

Dear Madam in the Purple Shirt,

Allow me to introduce myself, I’m the dapper gentlemen in striped shirt and pink tie standing a few feet from you. Yes, those are blue cufflinks, thanks for asking.

So you know, I take the train everyday to work in the heart of our City, I work a lot, I go to class at night (sometimes). My days are busy.

Today was one of those days where I was running late. I did not get out the door in time because, well, I was watching the gleeful Donald “The Real Donald” Rumsfeld talk about how the United States turned a guy into terrorist kibbles-n-bits.

Now, let me address the situation that has inspired this letter. You are a very attractive woman, hence why my attention was drawn to you in the first place. It appears that you are also running a tad behind schedule. Now, you may be new to the CTA system in Chicago and trains in the big city are much different then those luxury liners out in the suburbs, but the CTA is bumpy. It is fast. It is cramped. It is public transportation.

Of course, you know all of this. You are not the new girl in the big city. So, let me say that doing your makeup on the train is something that can put a negative spin on your day. Lipstick has been known to fly up a check. Blush has been known to fall directly into an unsuspecting lap. So, let’s turn to you. Using a very narrow eye-pencil while on a moving train might seem a bit risky. But apparently you are a gambler and I can respect that.

Because we are both busy people, I understand the daily rigors that we face in our commute into work. Getting to work, in one piece and on time is a major accomplishment for people like you and I. Therefore, I kindly ask you to refrain from demanding the train being stopped after you sanctimoniously insert your eye liner into your eyeball.

Many Thanks,

The Namby Pamby