Thursday, July 15, 2010

Passive Aggressive Settlement Disbursements

It’s a rare day when we settle a case and the client ends up happy. They never understand that they aren’t injured as bad as they claim or that there isn’t enough insurance coverage or that the facts of their case equals a defendant’s win. In other words, getting most clients to agree to take the money on the table is like herding cats while on LSD and chained to a fence.

After we accomplish what seems to be impossible, the settlement check never arrives fast enough for the client and as such, they scream at us even more.

Client: What do you mean you can’t give me my money until the settlement check clears?
Me: I’m sorry, that’s what we do.
Client: How about you just give me cash right now?
The check arrives, we cash it and quietly write the client a letter disbursing the money. When I send the letter is entirely up to the client.

If they are a great client, I’ll send the check through UPS Overnight Mail with 8:30a.m. guaranteed delivery.

If they are an asshole, the more likely I am going to sit on their money for a few days while ducking their phone calls.

If they’ve been really bad, I’ll make them come down to my office building to pick it up from the receptionist at a date to be determined next month.

This is the “screaming douche” tax.