You aren’t going to be a millionaire. (Sorry)

Dear Client, (Hello Neuman…)

I hope that you are doing well. (Because what I’m about to tell you is really going to piss you off)

I wanted to give you a status update on your case. (As much as I love your incessant e-mailing, calling and overt stalking of my office, I need something in writing to prove that I am not committing malpractice)

We have had multiple discussions with our consulting medical expert regarding your case. (This is the guy that you are on the hook for paying his bill if your case implodes. When I say conversations, I mean that I asked who I make the check out to and for how much)

Unfortunately, (Run children, run!)

He has informed us that there is no link between the complications that you have endured and the medical malpractice that occurred during your doctor’s visit. (Despite your complaints of sexual dysfunction, night terrors, explosive diarrhea and love of Keith Olbermann, we just can’t blame this on the medical mistake)

We will now be looking to other injuries that you have suffered as a result of the doctor’s mistake. (It’s not that your case is shot. It’s just that your case isn’t worth seven figures anymore…and that makes me sad by one third)

Specifically, we will be looking to focus on the traumatic psychological and emotional trauma that you have endured because of this malpractice. (You couldn’t have been this crazy before you walked into my office, right?)

Please discuss with your wife, your family and friends and I look forward to hearing from you soon. (while wearing earplugs and football pads)

Very truly yours,

Namby