Going Postal

I’m out of the office with Bambi (the trusty law clerk) running a few errands after court. As I don't want to go back to the office, I am tagging along with him. Our first stop is the post office.

Since he is going on firm business, he has a firm check to cover the cost of services. He also has a letter of authorization (i.e. permission slip from daddy) to use the firm checks to purchase postal goods and services.

Bambi presented the check, his letter, his driver’s license and was summarily denied the ability to purchase postal goods and services. I was not happy:

Clerk: We don’t take out of state drivers licenses.
Bambi: Uh…what?
Me: It’s a company check.
Clerk: It’s POST OFFICE POLICY, we don take out of state drivers LICENSES!

At this point, she grabs a paper towel to wipe the flop sweat from her face.

Me: Well, we can remedy that right quick.
Clerk: Did you sign that check?
Me: No. But…
Clerk: He is going to have to come back with an Illinois Drivers License.
Me: Here’s my credit card.

I have lost all patience with this woman. I have extended my credit card in a manner as if it were a sword and I am trying to stab the stupid out of her. Unfortunately it does not work.

Clerk: You are going to have to sign the back of this card.
Me: It was signed, it has rubbed away. See that [shows her the back of the card that has clearly rubbed away over time]
Clerk: I can’t take AN UNSIGNED CREDIT CARD SIR. SIGN THE BACK OF THE CARD!!
Me: Whatever.

I snatch my credit card back from her and sign it. And I hand it back to her with a little more vitriol than before.

Clerk: I need to see your driver’s license.
Me: Take it.

I pop my drivers license out of my wallet and I semi-toss/semi-hand it in her direction. She wasn’t ready for it but it only traveled about 8 inches from my hand, missing her hand by about an inch. It falls and hits the postal scale in front of me and bounces back in my direction.

Clerk: ARE YOU TRYING TO THROW THINGS AT ME?
Me: No. I dropped my driver’s license.
Clerk: I THINK YOU WERE TRYING TO THROW THAT AT ME!!!
Me: I wasn’t.
Clerk: I THINK YOU WERE.
Me: Trust me when I say that I would have hit you if I had thrown it.

Now, up until this point, I was annoyed. I was about to become enraged. The clerk takes my drivers license and my credit card, holds them up and stares at them.

Clerk: The signatures don’t match. I can’t take your credit card.
Me: What?
Clerk: I need you to re-sign the back of your credit card to match the signature on your driver’s license.
Me: Are you joking?
Clerk: Your driver’s license and your credit card signatures don’t match, I can’t take this. IT’S POST OFFICE POLICY TO PREVENT FRAUD.
Me: You just had me sign the card in front of you.
Clerk: THIS IS OUR FRAUD PREVENTION POLICY.
Me: You want me to re-sign my credit card to match the signature on my driver’s license?
Clerk: That’s the only way I can take your credit card.
Me: THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE! I just signed the card in front of you!
Clerk: That’s the only way I can the card.
Me: You are aware that the photo on my driver’s license is me. Shouldn’t be that what matters?
Clerk: That could be a fake. You have to sign the back of the credit card to match the driver’s license.
Me: I can give you my law license, my Cook County Lawyers ID Card, my DuPage County Lawyers ID Card or a damn CVS card. Every card in my wallet matches my face. But that signature is twelve years old, I can’t sign my name like that.
Clerk: Then I can’t take this.
Me: I want to talk to your manager.
Clerk: YOU CAN TRY TALKING TO ME.
Me: I’ve wasted enough time with you. Take the damn card.

The staring contest begins. I do not flinch. Neither does she. At first. She swipes the card, hands me a credit card receipt which I sign and hand it back to her. She doesn’t even look at the signature on the receipt nor does she say another word to me as we conclude the transaction.

I hope I didn’t scare Bambi.