Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Today’s lesson in motion practice: “Wherefore Plaintiff’s counsel is a dick”

Need to draft a Motion to Compel? Never done one before and have no idea what to do? Are you a law student looking to piss off a legal writing professor? Follow this easy template:

1. Your opposing counsel initiated this lawsuit on this day. I don’t know why you need to put this in here, but if your opposing counsel really is a dick, you should start creating your dick timeline as early as possible.

2. The second paragraph is where you tell the court why your opposing counsel is a dick: “He dresses like a goon” or “Smells like an old person” are acceptable entries here.

3. The third paragraph is your money paragraph, tell the court what you want and then tease what your about to write for the next 2 to 6 pages. “For the reasons listed below, Defendant is seeking the court enter an order barring the Plaintiff’s testimony, attorneys fees and costs, the summary execution of the Plaintiff’s counsel’s secretary and a player to be named later”

4. The next five to fifty paragraphs are a simple regurgitation of why your opposing counsel is a dick:

a. On or about February 1, 2010, opposing counsel kicks small children.

b. At all relevant times, opposing counsel fornicates with farm animals.

c. Opposing counsel is a Yankees fan.

5. Now it is time to restate what you are asking for. With snarky authority.
Just like that, you have a ready-made motion to compel.