This career is now officially hazardous to my mental health

In the last three months, I have been drafting a sizable amount of pleadings in personal injury cases: Slip and Falls, Car Accidents, Medical Malpractice and so on and so forth.

Because, I’m lazy efficient, I’m a big fan of the cut and paste drafting method that allows a certain attorney (me) to do a ‘Find/Replace All’ name search, change the date, change the location and be done with the complaint. Now, this only works when the form complaint syncs with the facts.

Unfortunately my clients have the nerve to get into ‘unique’ accidents.

As is my process I get to know the facts of the accidents, I craft as many claims of negligent acts and/or omissions that I can think of and then I throw it at the wall to see what sticks. There is a lot of thought about how someone else failed, the phrase “And/or” gets used a lot and everything always ends with a “WHEREFORE” clause.

But now, I’m starting to see duty violations everywhere I go.

I’m driving in the car, approaching a car from behind stopped at the stop sign in front of me, and I can see the complaint being written against me:

1. Failed to apply the brakes in a timely matter;
2. Failed to keep his vehicle under control;
3. Failed to operate his vehicle at a safe speed.

It continues as my day moves forward, I go to Starbucks and the floor is wet, no cones are out and dammnit, here they come again:

1. The Defendant failed to warn individuals, such as Plaintiff Pamby, that portions of the walkable area of the premises would be covered in an unnatural accumulation of snow, ice and water.

It just never ends.

WHEREFORE I need help. Or just an affirmative defense.