Tactical negotiations

18 months ago

Plaintiff’s counsel: If we go to trial, we will be asking for one million dollars. In an effort to resolve this, our client has authorized us to settle now for $500,000.

Me: You have no case. Our clients have asked us to politely tell you to go screw yourself authorized us to settle this case for $5,000.

Twelve Months ago

Plaintiff’s counsel: If we go to trial, we will be asking for three million dollars and punitive damages. In an effort to resolve this, our client has authorized us to settle now for $750,000.

Me: You have no case. Our clients have asked us to tell you to go fuck yourself authorized us to settle this case for $2,500.

Six Months ago

Plaintiff’s counsel: If we go to trial, we will be asking for five million dollars, punitive damages and attorneys fees. In an effort to resolve this, our client has authorized us to settle now for $1,500,000.

Me: You have no case. Our clients have asked us to tell you to go fuck yourself with a rusty pole authorized us to settle this case for $500.

Today

Me: You have no case. Our clients have asked us to tell you to go fuck yourself with a rusty pole outside in sub zero temperatures told us to litigate this matter until the bitter end, including any necessary appeals. They will also be seeking reimbursement from you and your client for our attorneys fees and costs.

Plaintiff’s counsel: If we go to trial, we will be asking for fifteen million dollars, punitive damages and attorneys fees. In an effort to resolve this, our client has authorized us to settle now for $20,000.

Me: Come again?