I’m sorry, he’s just not that into you

Yes, Client, it’s Namby. You are talking to me.

I understand you wanted to talk to my partner.

I’m going to give you a great excuse as to why he is not talking to you right now and you are going to believe it. The fact, that I will never tell you, is he called me while you were on hold and told me to take your call because he has to do something much more important.

Like napping.

I understand that you are going through the worst experience that you have ever experienced in your life. I understand that you need hand holding, someone to love you and someone to tell you everything is going to be alright. I understand that it is tough talking to someone twenty years your junior when you feel that you world is ending due to this evil lawsuit that is attacking your precious company.

Yes, you keep talking to me not as your lawyer, but as someone you must think is a paid functionary dutifully taking down your every word so that it will be hand delivered by angels on horseback announced by a ticker tape parade. What I really am doing is continuing work on my fantasy football team while debating the merits of casually responding to your ranting with a softly echoed “I told you that bitch crazy.”

You keep talking and telling me about how this lawsuit is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Twenty minutes have gone by and I have dutifully not written a single word that you have said down. I have dutifully written “Telecons with client re: litigation strategy” and all I am waiting to do is to put down the amount of time that I get to bill.

I’m not your secretary. I’m not my partner’s secretary. I’m an associate attorney that spends a lot of time preventing you from further harm. The fact that you do not get this is not my problem. The fact that you don’t understand how a lawsuit costs tens of thousands of dollars to defend is also not my problem. The fact that you have been told to settle and you won’t is not my problem.

The fact that you are trying to waste my partner’s much more valuable time is my problem.

That’s why you are talking to me and not to my boss.